As you all know, if you have been reading my blogs for any length of time, I have been on again/off again with my boyfriend, Choney. We were together for 6 years from 1996 to 2002 when things got too much to handle and I left the state and took my kids with me. Not that we had a bad relationship then, but he was still into dope and I was very sick of living like that. I had been clean for over a year but had started using again to try to make him stay home more; kind of the if you can’t beat them join them frame of mind. It didn’t work. I moved out of state. I had no contact with him for over a year, then we reconnected here and there over the next 15 years.
At one point I was visiting Utah and found out his mother had passed away. I had stayed in contact with her for years after I left, but had fallen off with contact about 2 years prior to this. I felt horrible and sad and wanted to extend my condolences to Choney because he was the closest with his mother. I reached out and we went out one night. All the feelings I had for him just rushed to the surface and it was like no time had passed for me. I saw him one more time before my visit was over and offered him and his daughter a way out of that life by moving to Albuquerque with me. He told me he would think about it. A week later, he called and I was on my way to pick them up.
From that point forward, things were tough. The first year was okay because we were still in the honeymoonish point again…but things quickly went downhill. His daughter was a demon, he was unmotivated to get a job or help with financial things around the house. He had only been sober from the day he left Utah, so his body was pretty fucked up from all the meth over the years. All those health issues started to come to light and we dealt with that for a long time. I also made him do narcotics anonymous programs for over 6 months to cement his sobriety. So after all that stuff had been dealt with (mostly), he would not get a job or better himself or our life in any way. I kicked him out and he went into a program for homeless single parents. He was there for four months. It was hard on all of us. I missed him terribly so by the end of the four months, I asked him to come home. That ended up being a bad idea. He still would not do anything for himself or his daughter so I did everything–financially, parentally (yes its a word now) and everything-ly. I lasted about a year before I broke completely and kicked them out again.
This time, he and his daughter and son who had come to live with us by then (who was even worse than his daughter) moved to a homeless shelter. We stopped all communication for 6 months. I, again, as angry as I was, missed him horribly. So I contacted him again.
We talked a lot of things out that should have been dealt with before. It helped us both put the past shit behind us. Unfortunately, he was still not where I needed him to be as a man in my life. So we just dated while he was in the shelter. It was hard as he wasn’t allowed to leave a lot. He ended up having to work for them and started realizing how much he could actually accomplish for himself. Unfortunately, for us, because I still felt he wasn’t contributing enough to our relationship–not financially, but emotionally, and making me feel like he wanted me to be there–I walked away again. Once again, I was trying to do what was best for me and my own mental health, but still missed him.
We didn’t talk again for a couple months. He finished the program at the homeless shelter and got his own apartment and a job. All of it through the shelter, but still his hard work nonetheless. I helped him move, gave him some things to get started and went my own way again. It was hard.
Around December, I started missing him so much and his daughter had started texting me, so I kind of used hanging out with her as an excuse to get back in his life. I kept my feelings on the back burner because I didn’t want to put myself in another position to get hurt. So I just sat back and observed all the things he had become and all the ways he had changed. And I was impressed.
I always tried so hard to make it easy for him by doing all the things he should have been doing. So the fact that he did all that growing without my direct influence was hard for me. That would be my inner narcissist throwing a fit.
But I was also intrigued and impressed and, not gonna lie, pretty turned on. He had not only gotten himself in a good situation, grown up A LOT, but had also managed to get his health issues under amazing control. I won’t lie–that part still trips me out. But it was like I had my old Choney back. He was confident and secure in himself again. He had found his self-worth and his pride once again. And it was all of those things he had been lacking so severely before.
It was like I had left a man in Utah in 2002 and brought a child (with a child) back to me in 2014. It was horrible and disheartening. I was so angry and sad that he was not the same person I loved and left so long ago.
But this guy he is now? Its like someone gave me my soul back. I feel like this is the man I fell in love with 25 years ago…but a much better, smarter, sober version. And I want to be part of all he is now.
Choney is, has been, and will probably always be my person. Whether we are together or not. He is the person that makes me the happiest, the one who holds the other half of my heart.
I feel like I have fallen in love all over again and I missed him. I missed us. I missed this. I missed the fact we know each other so well, the psychic kicks in. We can finish sentences (so gay, but true), he knows when I am struggling with my disorder and he steps up. He has researched so much about it and knows when to step up and when to step back in that regard. He is legitimately the only person in my life who has ever bothered to learn about my disorder and how to handle it and me. That has always meant more than I could ever explain.
I love being able to call him and just be able to conversate for hours. Even if we just left each other. The other night we talked on the phone for over 3 hours–I felt like a teenager. And we had been together all day.
I love that we can sing at the top of our lungs in the car or the house and not care whether we suck or not.
I love that he is the most affectionate person I know and he always needs to be touching me.
I love that he can express his emotions to me without feeling emasculated.
I love that he has grown so much. And on his own. And yes, I do take credit for giving him the push out into the world he needed even though it terrified us both.
I love that he puts up with all my moods and quirks and weirdness.
I love that he has been sober for over 4 years now and with all that life has given him, hasn’t relapsed once.
I love him. I have for 25 years. And I probably always will. Even when I deny it completely.
He is still my person.
I would say wish us luck–but this time, we got this. I hope.
Thanks for listening.
As you were.