So if you have been following my blog or even my facebook posts, you will know how hard my life has been since I added people to it. Those people being my boyfriend and his daughter and four months ago, his son.
Before his son came, it was hard. I am the sole financial support for my family. He doesn’t work due to health reason–or excuses–or whatever. He is working (for the last three years) to get on disability. In this time, I have been taking care of all of our needs. He is basically a house bitch. Sad but true.
Also, we have not had an intimate relationship in almost two years. So there’s that. Fucking awesome.
So in my mind, since he doesn’t act like my boyfriend in any way, he is basically my roommate or more accurately, another child.
I decided to finally end the shit show that is my life by kicking him and his children out. He has til the end of this year to find somewhere else to go. This doesn’t sit well with him. He has been taken care of his whole life by someone; mother, girlfriends, prisons, etc. He has no idea how to be an adult, much less a parent. And I am sick of trying to raise all three of them. Him and his kids are damaged and needy and I am not strong enough or tolerant enough to deal with it anymore.
His children are worse than he is. Especially his daughter. She has lived a life of trauma and neglect. His son has as well, but has had a little more stability from their mother than she has. Because of this, she has some serious behavioral issues. I am almost 100% convinced she is a sociopath. I also think she has Oppositional Defiant Disorder as well as Conduct disorder. After the story I heard recently from her, and the fact that schizophrenia and bipolar disorder both run in her family, I am pretty convinced things are even more serious than that. Here is what we found out last night: (this is also what I wrote her therapist today as well as some inpatient mental health places)
So last night, Adrianna was on punishment and she was crying and I was exasperated. I asked her to stop crying and just tell me what is going on with her that she just refuses to listen. She completely broke down and told me and her dad the following: she expressed that she feels like there are two people in her, the devil and an angel. She says she feels like she “lives in a red bubble”. She says she see’s red all the time, no more colors. She says she sometimes she see’s so much red that she cannot remember what the original colors are. She states that she cannot do the right thing because the devil is “too hard and too strong” so its just easier to go along with him. She says the devil likes being in trouble and likes making her do bad things. She says that she cannot stop doing bad things because he is too strong. She says she doesn’t want to do it, but she cannot stop herself. She said the devil makes her have bad dreams all the time. She says she has dreams of killing people and when asked how she feels about those dreams, she says it makes her feel happy to kill them. She says she dreams of getting “the big knife and stabbing them.” She says the voices (devil and angel) talk to her all the time.
She said one side of her brain is the devil and the other side is the angel.
When I asked her when she felt those two sides showed up, she says that the devil showed up when her grandmother, whom she lived with most of her life, died three years ago. She says sometimes she can be nice and the angel will come back a little bit, but the devil half of her brain is more strong. She said she was mostly the angel before her grandma died. She also said that she feels bad because she was so mean to her grandma (yelling at her, running away, locking herself in rooms, etc) and she never got to say sorry to her. She said that her grandma never hit her, but would call her Uncle Gary and he would come over and “beat her” for being mean to her grandma. She also blames him because he was the one who took her grandma to the hospital that she never came back from.
At one point I asked her if Adrianna was in there with the devil and the angel and she said no..that “Adrianna is just mostly the devil now”.
I also asked her about why her behavior has gotten worse and she said “I’m not trying to blame it on Anthony, but since he got here he gets my attention, though I know he is still new here, but the devil wants that attention back”. I said, do you feel like you could hurt your brother, and she says “yes. I always feel like I could hurt him, even kill him”. She said if she ever gets to that point, she hopes her angel is stronger than her devil because she really doesn’t want to hurt her brother–she just doesn’t know how to stop the devil. She says she tries. She says when she stole money from me the angel didn’t want her to, but she did it anyway because the devil “comes too hard”. She also at two entire packages of cookies the other morning at 530 am before anyone got up because the devil wanted those cookies and she couldn’t stop him from making her eat all the cookies. (She had asked about them the day before and was told no, FYI)
We have no knowledge of sexual abuse, but she has been physically abused by her mother and her uncle. She does have one uncle (whom I mentioned above) who she only associates with beatings and blames him for killing her grandma.
While we were talking, I noticed she was doing something with her hand. I asked her what she was doing and she said she had a cut. I said, why are you messing with it and she said because it feels good. I said do you do that often and she said yes. She said “when I have a cut or a bruise or whatever, she said I mess with it til its bigger because the pain makes me feel better. She said it makes the red go away a little bit.
She also told us she wants to go live with her grandma–even though she knows her grandma has passed away. She has mentioned she’d be better off dead and hates herself. She also thinks everyone around her wishes she was dead as well. I told her that we don’t wish she was dead, we just wished she would be good, but she says she doesn’t believe us.
On a side note, just listening to her conversation, she refers to the devil as “him”, but doesn’t refer to her angel as her or him. I did ask if the angel was her grandma, but she said she didn’t know.
She also says when she does nice things, she gets some “angelness” back a tiny bit. But if she does too many nice things, and her angelness grows, the devil gets mad and makes her do something bad to push the angelness out.
As the conversation (45 minutes of it) progressed, she started referring to the bad voices as her devilness and the good voices as her angelness.
We need help. We are scared for her and scared she will hurt somebody or herself. I have reached out to Desert Hills and Bernalillo Academy for help. I think she needs to be in a psychiatric treatment facility. I don’t want anyone hurt.
I spoke to one of our psychiatrists at work about it today and she also told me that if at any time, we feel Anthony or Adrianna or anyone else in the house is unsafe, we can call 911 and have her taken to UNM Childrens Psych for an evaluation. I feel like this would cause even more trauma in her life than she has already had–plus she is terrified of police because of her dad and moms life before she came here. That would be a last resort for us–but I will do it if it comes down to someone’s safety.
I asked her why she hasn’t told you about it and she says she is scared you will send her away. I told her that you are the person that will be able to help her the most, and that she needed to talk to you. She says she will but she doesn’t want to do it without us there–at least one of us. I am going to try to get off work on Wednesday afternoon to join you guys in the session. I think Adrianna would prefer me there rather than her dad. I think he doesn’t understand and kind of tends to make it worse. His reaction to this conversation was “how come you didn’t tell us about this sooner, this is some really sick stuff”. I told him later how detrimental that could be…….because I know she cannot control those thoughts or feelings. He also told me that two of his sisters are schizophrenic and one brother is bipolar.
I feel that while Adrianna has sociopathic tendencies, she also shows signs of Conduct disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. However, the fact that she is hearing voices in her head telling her to do bad things just makes it more confusing. Regardless of the diagnosis or lack thereof, she needs more help than we can give her.
I will also tell you that me and her dad are no longer together, and they have to find another place to live by the end of the year. Adrianna is aware of this and I think she is scared of that as well. Honestly, this is not something I want to deal with anymore, however because of the trust that Adrianna has in me, I also don’t want to let her down like everyone else has. I am the only stability she has ever known in her life and while I would rather just let her father deal with this, I don’t think he is capable.
So there is a lot going on right now.
Please let me know what you think and what you think we should do here.
So yeah……….call me freaked the fuck out.
However, I also can relate to what she is saying. I remember feeling like that when I was young. Maybe not so extreme as seeing red all the time. But I felt like I could never be good or good enough. I used to hurt myself to feel better as well. It makes me really sad for her. I have dealt with mental illness all my life–for years I had no idea what the fuck it was–and it isn’t easy. It is confusing and frustrating and it makes you feel worthless. I still struggle with that. I still struggle with maintaining my sanity and not lashing out and being shitty to people. And I am 47. She is 10. Can you image how scary it must be for her? Ugh.
I have been thinking about it all day. And I have come to the conclusion that I am never going to be rid of this in my life. Choney in no way, shape, or form, can handle this type of thing. He cannot handle her already–and with her being this fucked up, there is no way he will be able to deal with that. In all honesty, I feel like after he gets out on his own, it will just be a matter of time before he ends up getting back into drugs and losing these kids to the state.
I am the only stability that child has ever known. She is angry at me right now, but I am the only one she trusts to do what I say I am going to do. I have never said something and not followed through with her. Before she came to my house, her dad would tell her he was running to the store and would be back in a little while—-and then not come back for days or weeks or months in some cases. Her mom was the same. So she learned not to trust them at all. Even three years later, after her dad has shown her that he will come back, she panics a little when he leaves. Not the case with me.
Because of this, I feel like if I abandon her and them completely, it will just prove to her, in her mind, that nobody loves her and everyone leaves her. And she has been through enough trauma in her life. And me turning her out of my life will just make it worse.
On the selfish side, I am sick of dealing with it and her and them and its not my responsibility to fix these people. I didn’t do the damage and I am sick of worrying about it all the damn time. I am sick of feeling guilty because I cannot take care of them. However, to counteract that thought—ain’t nobody worrying about me in the situation. So I have actually let go of the guilt, but I still worry how much damage I am going to do to those kids by stepping out of the picture.
So I feel like I am stuck. Once a-fucking-gain. KMN. But I am not sure I am willing to leave her father to deal with this. I feel like that would almost be worse.
I need to find a happy medium here.
Your thoughts and suggestions are more than welcome.