Self-Sabatoge

So I was reading an article (I know, shocking) about BPD and the ways we self-sabotage.  Going into it, I didn’t think this applied to me anymore.  Ummmm… wrong. I still do it, even without realizing it. It makes me wonder if I have done it for so long now, its just an ingrained habit. If so, well, UGH.

“Self-sabotage is something most people experience at one point or another — particularly if mental illness makes you feel unworthy or undeserving of good things. But for many folks with borderline personality disorder (BPD), self-sabotage can often be at the forefront of their lives. Self-sabotaging  is a fairly common habit of people with borderline personality disorder.  When things are going well, my anxiety actually increases, because I’m afraid things will fall apart at any second. ” The Mighty.

So reading this article (you can click on the link above) kind of gave me an insight into my behavior a little bit more.  Since I have stopped my counseling, I am hyper-aware of my behavior, but never realized that some things, like I said above, are just such a normal thing, I don’t even realize that they are a problem. Personally, I think I sabotage myself without even knowing it, mainly because I have felt for so long like I don’t deserve anything good in my life. Again, UGH.

So maybe this article will help me pay even that much more attention.  Here are some of the things I strongly relate to.

1. Pick Fights With Loved Ones

Causing arguments by picking at every little negative thing even if its not worth my time. I don’t know if it makes me feel better to point out their issues, so I don’t have to deal with mine or what. I know after I do it though, I feel bad. So there’s that. 

2. Push Loved Ones to Their “Limit” to See If They Will Stay

I purposely push at my boyfriend. He is the only one I do that with. I guess I want to see how far he will let me push him before he leaves. Testing his limits or boundaries. However, if he did leave, I would be devastated, so I honestly have no idea why I still do this. I just know I do. Though I do try to be more mindful of it…sometimes it just rears up and then I am annoyed that I couldn’t control it. 

3. Overshare

I do tend to overshare. I am learning to back off of that a bit. I have always thought of myself as an “open book”, though I do tend to keep quiet about some things. In the past, NOBODY knew I had BPD. I was so ashamed of it–I would rather them think I was a bitch than know I had a mental disorder that made me act really fucking stupid.  But since I lost control of myself a few years back, and since I have gone to counseling, I am pretty open with that. Not to make other people feel sorry for me, but more to explain why I am the way I am.

4. Take on Everyone Else’s Problems

This one. UGH. I have always done that. I always “take care” of everyone else. Kids, boyfriends, friends, co-workers, whomever. It was always (sometimes still is) easier to deal with everyone else’s problems than my own.

5. Do Things to “Prove” Your Unworthiness

I don’t know if I do things to “prove” my unworthiness as much as I tend to talk down about myself. I am always self-depreciating and talking shit about what a bitch I am or a hardass or a whatever so I don’t have to deal with the emotion that comes from not being that way…….. So I feel like I talk more to “prove” my unworthiness rather than physically act. 

6. Quit Your Job

I did this when I was younger. I don’t do it anymore. I now stay as long as physically and mentally possible. Go me!

7. Over-Apologize and Blame Yourself for Everything

Uhhh, so I HATE having to apologize. I hate it so fucking much. I have always tried not to do things where I have to apologize, but as I have gotten older and a bit more wiser in my life and my BPD, I realize there were way too many times I should have just swallowed (choked) on my pride and just said sorry. I can’t go back, but I have and am doing much better with that going forward. I am figuring out I won’t die if I am wrong once in a while……….though it still hurts.

I have always blamed myself though. Since as far back as I can remember, I have taken on all the burden for anything and everything that has gone wrong in my life. I internalize that shit like a mother fucker. However, I do not allow many people to see that I do that. I tend to shift that blame outside of myself to someone else, because its literally the only way I know how to cope with so much of the guilt. I cannot imagine this ever changing……..its one of those ingrained habits.

8. Binge Eat/Drinking/Drugs

I don’t binge eat. I never have. I am fat because I don’t get off my ass and don’t eat healthy food, not because I am a binge eater. I do tend to blindly eat when I am reading or watching television though. I do try to be mindful of that–doesn’t always happen.

I don’t drink anymore. Haven’t since I was in my early 20’s. Plus I don’t think that was binge drinking as much as just wanting to party all the time.

Drugs, now that is different. I don’t think I binged with them, I just think I liked them a lot and did them for 8 years…. But I have been sober now for 16 years……so that’s cool.

9. Hold in Emotions

I do tend to do this. At least until they explode out in a shower of bullshit on the person I have been holding those feelings in about. My shit never stays quiet for long. I am too aggressive of a person to keep my feelings and opinions to myself for long. Especially when I have no place to vent all that vile crap. 

10. Cancel on Plans

I do this more because of my social anxiety rather than my BPD. I like being around my people when I let myself get there……….its just up to that point, my anxiety fucks with my head so bad, getting me there is a real challenge. For me and all my people. Thank GOD they still love me.

11. Isolate

Isolating is my go-to behavior. I do it when I am anxious, angry, irritated, upset, sad, etc. It is the only way I have found to work through all my shit in the moment and not hurt someone else. I didn’t use to do this–and I have hurt many people in my life (especially my kids) because I just lashed out instead of being conscientious of my behavior.  Thank GOD that has changed, but the guilt from not doing it previously is always there. Again, thank GOD they love me.

12. Get Into Relationships Too Fast

I have done this my whole life, almost. I finally stopped after I left Utah in 2002. I realized I was super co-dependent and I HATED how that made me feel knowing that. So I learned how to love being alone. Unfortunately, I tend to be an extremist, so I struggled being in relationships after that. I still do….  I miss the independence and not having to worry about how others will be affected by my decisions. But, life.

13. Overthink Situations

I don’t tend to overthink, but I tend to over-analyze with my friends. I talk it out and talk it out and then just get sick of talking about it. I then realize that the original decision or action was probably the best from the get go.

14. Reject Love From Others

I find it hard to feel worthy or accept other love from other poeple. When my boyfriend, family, kids, friends, whomever, hugs me, a voice inside my head constantly tells me I am not worthy of their love. I either cringe, pull away or avoid it altogether. I have to force myself to hug my people, even my children. It’s a bit ridiculous, because it’s not like I hate hugs. I actually don’t. But you wouldn’t know that about me, even if you know me. I just don’t feel like a hugger. It’s actually pretty fucking stupid.

15. Self-Harm or Act on Suicidal Thoughts

I do not self-harm anymore. I did in middle/high school. But when I stopped when I realized that someone might notice and lock me up, I stopped. Plus, my stepdad did enough harm to me without me doing it to myself. 

Suicidal thoughts. I have these daily. I always have. I don’t voice them. They are mine. I would never act on them (I don’t think) because I have seen what suicide does to the people left behind. I would not want to hurt anyone like that. But you will hear me say stupid shit like “if that was me, I’d shoot myself in the head” or “Fuck that, I’d rather die” or “I hate this fucking life, I wish it would end” etc, etc, etc.  But those are just me and my disorder venting. I know that suicide is not the answer for me……..nor will it ever be. I think.

16. Assume Others Think the Worst About You

I always do this………especially with my family. Probably only with my family actually. I assume I  know exactly how they feel about me when my right mind knows that this isn’t true and in most situations I am just projecting how I feel about myself onto them. It makes it easier for me to deal with things, if that makes any sense at all. My real mind knows the truth, but my heart and emotions only listen to my BPD mind. Assholes.

17. Engage in Negative Self-Talk

This is the worst for me, aside from isolation. I do nothing but negative self talk. I have done this for as long as I can remember. I could literally line up the facts of the type of good person I am and still think I am a piece of shit. I feel like I have thought it for so long, I don’t know how to make it stay away. I can get it to hide once in a while, but it always, always comes back. Even through counseling and the tools I learned to counteract it don’t work like I wish they would.  I will probably never not engage in this destructive behavior–but I do tend to remind myself that I am a good person. 

What is worse, is that when other people tell me I am good person, I don’t believe them. I don’t know why, all the proof is there.  Example, me and Choney were at my moms the other day and we were talking about something and the subject of me came around and my mom said “she always talks like she is tough, but her heart is huge. It always has been.”  This made me tear up. Shit, its making me get all stupid emotional just writing it. I just wish that my brain would understand that truth. Because somewhere in me I know it’s true.

I couldn’t do the things I do in my life if it wasn’t. I couldn’t work with pregnant drug addicts if I didn’t have compassion, empathy and a huge heart. I couldn’t keep taking care of my boyfriend and his daughter is I didn’t have that either. I could go on for days.

Yet, I still don’t believe it. Soooo dumb.

 

Anyway, those are the things in that article that I relate to. It was pretty interesting to write this blog to see how much I do to myself without even realizing half of it.

Hopefully that means I will be more aware from here on out.

Peace, yo! Thanks for listening.

 

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The End of the Chapter

Today was my last counseling appointment. It was bittersweet. And I won’t lie, it kind of makes me sad.  I have been in counseling for one year, and I have done a lot of hard work and made a lot of progress in my disorder and in my self. I have acquired many tools that will serve me well for the rest of my life. I got very close to my counselor and she has been an invaluable presence and support in my life…. I will miss her.

I remember when I first started, I was so hesitant to say anything of significance because I was ashamed of my behavior and my actions and didn’t believe that what I was feeling and thinking were normal or healthy or even right…. But by the 8th appointment with her, I realized that I was doing myself a disservice by paying money for a therapy session and not doing anything worth anything, aside from wasting my time, her time and my money. So I started vomiting truth on her no matter how it made me feel. It was literally the best thing I have ever done for myself.

In doing that, as embarrassing and shameful as some of my behaviors were, I realized that they were all actually very  normal for someone with my disorder (BPD), and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it was blocked half the time by my own stubbornness and determination to hang onto things that were no longer serving me well.

One of the things I always thought about myself was that I was/am an angry person. I have been angry since I was born–my mom has confirmed this–and I have lived all of my adult life trying to handle that and live with that anger. The fury I have always had inside me defined me. I had no idea who or what I was without the anger. I would like to say that I am no longer angry. That would be a lie. I am always going to carry that anger around with me–BUT I no longer allow it to define me. I will always try to understand why I have it and why it will probably never leave, but it will never again be my go to emotion and it will never again rule all I do. IT NO LONGER DEFINES ME.  Holy fuck it is so cool to say this and actually know it is my truth.

Another part of my disorder was the fact that I was always judging and shaming myself for every little thing I did–right or wrong. I was never good enough, I was never smart enough, I was never fast enough, I was never skinny enough, I was never anything enough–I was just never enough and I battered myself every day for that. Come to find out————— I AM ENOUGH. And I always have been, even with my faults. Who’da thunk it??  Certainly not me. But in the last year, I have learned that I really am enough, and I am really happy about that. I am enough. Even when I fuck up, I am enough. Even when I get shitty, I am still enough. No matter what I do, I am enough. And I always will be. Crazy.

Guilt. This has always been my downfall. I sometimes think I have more guilt than anger—then it just makes me angrier. But over the last year, I realized that guilt serves no purpose long term. Guilt is a short term emotion. Guilt is what you should feel if you do something wrong–it should make you realize you need to do better or apologize or  change something or even repair some damage you have done that makes you feel guilty. It serves a purpose: to help us learn right from wrong.  But it is definitely not something you should allow to hang out with you extensively. I have always felt guilty for everything—- mostly not being enough. I have felt guilt for not being a better daughter, a better mother, a better friend, a better employee, a better everything. But seriously? All I can do, all I could ever do, is do what I know and what I was capable of learning. And what is the point of feeling guilty forever over things you absolutely cannot change? Or things you can change if you just let go of that barrier that is holding you back? Yeah….no fucking point. Let it go.  Hard to do….so, so hard to do. But worth the time and effort. Trust me on this.  Letting the guilt go was probably the hardest of all of the things I have done in counseling….

Have I mentioned that I AM ENOUGH?????  Oh yeah…because I am. 🙂

When I had my appointment today, we listed all the progress I have made. That was an eye opener. I mean, I know I have made progress, but seeing it all in black and white was a pretty cool thing. I will write it all out here in a minute. I will also post the picture I took of it.

Here is that list:

  • Learned to regulate my emotions better
  • Pause and choose reaction to anger
  • Increase self talk
  • Decrease manipulating
  • No outbursts in months
  • Decrease self-criticism and judgement
  • Learning to apologize and repair/fix damage
  • Let go of guilt with dad/stepmom regarding boundary setting
  • Reactions are more rational
  • More present to people and surroundings
  • Less focus on anger
  • Increase in self care and boundaries
  • Less isolating

So yeah—pretty good for a year of ridiculously hard work!  I am sure that is not all–that is just what I could think of at the moment.

I am not going to stop blogging by any means–I still need an outlet for those time I need to vomit my emotional baggage on the world. I also need a safe place for me to be as real as I can and this is that place.

I will try to blog more about good things and not just bad shit. I cannot promise anything though…

For now, I am content to leave this chapter and move on to  the next one.

Thanks for listening.

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I Seriously Can’t Even…..

So I had a breakdown in counseling last week and I was given a homework assignment. I haven’t done it yet. I was going to do it tonight since I have counseling coming up again, but instead, I am going to write about something else. Maybe later I will do my homework. We shall see.

I have known Choney for over 25 years. When I first met him, I couldn’t fucking stand him. Like really, truly hated him. He was so annoying. He was the brother of my best friends’ husband. Luckily, I didn’t have to interact with him that much at that time. Forward to two years later–right after I had Deven, so 1996.  He had just come out of prison for the millionth time (unfortunately that didn’t stop until like 2013 or something) and he moved in with his brother and my friend. Well…I was also living there at the time with my kids. For some reason, I have no idea what the actual fuck happened, but when I saw him again after two years, I fell immediately in love. It may or may not have had something to do with the fact he was buff as hell having just come out of lockup and way more mature than the last time I had seen him.  But I regress.

Regardless, I fell head over heels in love with him that moment and have loved him ever since. That was in 1996. We were together for 6 years. Unfortunately, he was in and out of prison and on and off drugs.  So needless to say, our time was a bit chaotic. But, he is the only person I have ever dated that I could be my 100% true, authentic, crazy self with and that still holds true to this day. There has only been one other in my life like that aside from him and so it means something to me.

Anyway, in 2001, I decided I couldn’t take the drugs and bullshit anymore and up and left Utah. I moved to New Mexico in January of 2002.  I saw him twice in all the years I have been here until October 2015, (the first time was 2003) when I went back to Utah with my mom for a week and found out his mom had passed away. I had kept in touch with his mom all those years except for the last few, so I was still close with her and I was really sad about that. I decided to look him up and offer my condolences. When I saw him for the first time after 14 years, I was struck by the emotion that I had for him. It was like no time had passed and I was still that head over heels in love girl. So I brought him back to NM with me in October 2015. At the time, everyone was stunned, but they trusted my decisions, even if they didn’t agree with them.

Now it is 2 years, 3 months later.

Not only has he been living here for that long–that is also the longest he has been sober since he was 15. So there is that. While I am so proud of his sobriety, I have had the experience of getting to know him as a sober person–both him and I. That has been rough.  For a few reasons.  One, we are very different people than we were 20 years ago. I have gone through a lot and its changed me (I much more broken and bitter when it comes to love and opening myself up to it). Second, as more time goes on that he is sober, his body is starting to reveal all the damage he has done to it over the years.  It started with his vision. He was jumped like 14 years ago and a muscle in his eye is very damaged. He will have to wear special lenses for the rest of his life. His joints are also pretty much destroyed–his bones as well. Meth was his drug of choice and meth destroys bone. He has dentures. He has restless leg syndrome. His knuckles lock at random. He has osteoarthritis throughout his body. His knee needs to be replaced, his asthma is out of control, even with heavy steroidal medication, His eyesight worsens every year, and he has constant pain. Every week something new comes up with him.

I am sick of it to say the least. I know that sounds harsh…and it probably is, but I am too young to be with someone with this many health issues. Selfish? Maybe. Cold? Maybe. But it is how I feel, and the one thing I learned in counseling is that I need to own how I feel, regardless of whether it has a good or bad label. I just need to feel it, and work through it and whatever. So yeah.

SOOOOOOOO—today I found out that my 44 year old boyfriend had a minor heart attack in November. That’s fucking awesome. (sarcasm alert). So now, not only do I have to deal with all of his other health problems, plus the issues we have between us, plus his daughters issues….NOW I have to deal with the possibility of him having a major heart attack at any given moment. Not only does heart disease run in his family,  and he will probably develop diabetes here in the next couple years, he has abused his body so fucking much it is just a matter of when, not if.  Mother fucking fabulous.

I know this sounds so horrible, but I don’t want to deal with it anymore.  I have been dealing with so much regarding him and his child, that this just seems like straw that broke the camel.  I don’t honestly know how much more I can take here. I feel like I should not be dealing with essentially an 80 year old in my life unless it was either a billionaire, a grandfather, or one of my parents. A boyfriend? No. No. Just fucking NO.

I am strong person. But my plate is already full with  my own issues–both mental and physical. I just don’t think I have it in me to take on this much of someone else’s bullshit. And yes, before you start pointing fingers and shaking heads and deciding I am a piece of shit, know that I am already on the guilt/shame train…… so don’t judge. There are more issues in my relationship than you know or I am willing to divulge that bring me to this point.

I should love him enough to stick by him. I should be better than this. I should be a better person, etc, etc, etc. Well, I am not. I don’t even want to be. It would be different if our relationship was different. It would be different if I didn’t feel like I was being punished for all his past mistakes. It would be different if him and his daughter weren’t such a giant fucking burden on my life. It would be different if things were fucking different. This is not what I wanted my life to be. I have been taking care of people my whole life–I want someone to take care of me back as I get older…. I don’t want to live with or be with someone that is physically dependent on me. He’s already financially dependent and that is almost more than I can handle.  So now fucking what?

I am not mentally, emotionally or physically prepared to take on this much ………………..shit.

I am just not.

And I have no fucking idea what to even do with any of it.

Farewell 2017

So I decided to do one more blog post before the year officially ends.  I don’t know how much I actually have to say tonight, but, I have said that before and then the words spill out of me like so much lava.  So tonight, I am going to reflect on the things I have done this year and the things I may want to do better next year. I will not be making any resolutions. Resolutions make no sense to me–why wait until the end of one year and the beginning of another to change? Why not just change when you are thinking about it instead.

So anyway—- 2017 has been quite a year for me. I have had so many ups and downs, I can’t quite believe I managed to survive them. Some of the things I remember most are finally getting my meds straight and getting into counseling. That was probably the most productive thing I did this year. I also kicked out and brought back Choney and Adrianna. I don’t know how I feel about those things. It really depends on the day. I stopped talking to my dad and stepmom. This was good for my soul and my brain, but not so much for my heart. I am slowly working my way back in, so we shall see what next year brings.

Samantha got a boyfriend, Keaton, who is amazing to her and I have never seen her this happy. She turned 22. UGH. She has kept her job this year also and is moving up in the company. I hope good things keep coming her way. She is amazing and she deserves it.

Skyler was made night manager of his company and is doing great. He has a girlfriend, Dominique, who is also awesome. They have had their struggles, but are currently living together and doing pretty well as far as I can see.  He drives a mustang, which he loves and puts all his money into. At least it is something productive. They have a husky named Maya. She is a wild animal but cute as sin.

Deven–my baby– turned 21 this year. Holy balls batman. If that doesn’t make me feel old….  He is finally buckling down and knocking school out. He graduates from Freedom High in May 2018. Super proud of him. He is growing up, slowly but surely. I think. He is so freaking smart. He makes music–rap–and his songs are amazing. I hope that someone somewhere sees his stuff. He says he doesn’t care if anyone sees it or if it goes anywhere, but I still think that would be a nice coup for him.

My dogs, Whiskey and Koda, turned 4 and 6 this year. This makes me sad because time is moving too quickly with them…..yet it makes me happy that they have been in my life this long. I cannot describe the depth of emotion I have for those dogs, especially Whiskey. He just makes me whole.

My cats, Niko and Kendal, are 9 and 7 this year. Whoa! I cannot believe they have been in my life for so long. They are my babies as well. CJ would be 8 this year. I hope he’s living well, wherever he is. It has now been 4 years since he went missing.

I am still working at Milagro—with some of the greatest people I know. I still love my job and love the population I work with. I don’t think I will be leaving anytime soon.

I have been at the same address now going into my 8th year. I can honestly say this is a record for me. Who knew my wanderlust would finally calm down? Certainly not me. I love my house–even though I am only renting. It is perfect for my family right now. I may decide to buy in the future but right now its a distant thought.

Since I am talking about my family—-I would like to send some shout-outs to the people in my life:

Babe–you drive me fucking crazy. Some days I would rather punch you in your face rather than look at you or be around you, but at the end of the day, I love you more than life. You are my rock. Thank you for not only being you, but for putting up with me day in and day out. I do fear there may come a day you won’t anymore, but I hope I can get my shit together before that happens. I love you so much. 4 life baby!

Skyler–I love you son. I love you so much more than you will ever know. You are my firstborn. I know I didn’t always do right by you, but you turned out to be such an amazing person—even though I cannot take all the credit. I am so proud of you and all you have done with your life. j You are so smart and motivated and funny and talented. Thank you for stepping up for me with all my car issues. Thank you for having my back and making it known. I appreciate you so much! You are so great and I love you so very  much. Keep doing amazing things. Thank you for putting up with me all these years—I know it hasn’t always been easy.

Samantha–I love you best daughter ever. You are my only daughter and the light of my life. I love you so much more than you realize. You are my steady, sarcastic, beautiful, funny, amazing baby girl. I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished. You have really grown in the last couple years and it is such a joy to watch you. I am so glad we are so close and I didn’t ruin you with all my bullshit. Keep on keeping on with your bad self. I love you and appreciate you so very much my beautiful girl.  Thank you for always putting up with me–I know I am hard to deal with.

Deven–my baby boy. I love you more than there are words. You are my ground when my feet aren’t steady. I can always count on you for a laugh and when I need you. You may grumble, but you always come through for me. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. You have always been the one who can make me see the logic in life–no matter how much I hate it and don’t want to. You have come so far. I am so freaking proud of you for all you  have accomplished. You are so smart and talented and funny and reliable. Thank you for putting up with me for all these years–I know I am a nutjob.  I love you and appreciate you so very much my Tipper.

Mom–I love you and appreciate you more than you realize. I know we have had a long rough path to get to where we are today, but I want you to know that since we have started communicating again (going on three years now), our relationship is the best its ever been. I know we have our moments but I cannot thank you enough for attempting to understand me and my disorder and making such a great effort to accept me for all I am. Knowing that you try is such an amazing feeling. I love you so very much. Flex too. I wish you health, wealth and happiness in this coming year.

Diana–thank you for being who you are in my life–who you have always been; my other mother. There are so many times in my life I don’t think I would have survived without you by my side. Thank you for being on my team and being there for me in ways you probably don’t even realize. I love you more than you could ever know. Thanks for being my cheerleader in my so very chaotic world. I wish you peace and happiness and love in the new year.

Michele—I cannot even tell you what you mean to me my friend. You are my sounding board, my bitching post, my friend, my sister. I love you more than you know. I thank God every day that I met you. Who knew we would end up so close considering how we started out. I love you so very much.  Thank you for putting up with me.dd

Chandra–my BFFF. God I love you. I know we don’t spend much time together, but you will always be my heart. I couldn’t survive without knowing you in my life. Thank you for being you and never tossing me away because of my anti-socialness. I love you for that……………….and so, so much more!

Edy—I cannot begin to tell you how much you mean to me. Thank you for always, always being there for me. I know we need to spend more time together. We need better memories than a psycho (but hilarious) trip to Vegas….haha. Thank you for being such a great friend. I love you so very, very much!

Linda–I feel like I have known you forever. I love hanging out with you. Thank you so much for being there for me and my family in so many ways. From fixing the dogs face with a sock to scouting out furniture for your vacation home. You are amazing. I am so glad I know you…. I love you so very much!

Mandy–You are the best supervisor and friend anyone could ask for. You make coming to work such a pleasure. I cannot imagine not working with you, so neither one of us is allowed to leave now.  I have so much fun with you–both inside and outside of work. I love you so very  much!  We need to go paint soon!  Thanks for putting up with me. It is so appreciated.

Dave–Holy shit, I don’t even know what to say to your crazy ass. Thank you so much for being my friend and never expecting more than I can give. Thank you for listening to me bitch about my life and letting me dump all my bullshit on you. Your feedback is invaluable, even though I hardly do what you say. You are the one person I can completely count on for direct balls out honesty, even when I hate it. You are me in male form, without the BPD. I love your face. Thanks for being my friend.  Now… move in with your damn girlfriend already. Sheesh. Its been almost six years.

To all my other friends and family—-Thank you for being in my life. Knowing you guys and knowing you are always there for a chat, a funny, a bitch session, whatever, makes my life so tolerable. I thank you all for not judging me—or at least not telling me you’re judging me, haha. Thank you all for putting up with me through all these years… it means more than you realize.

I wish all of you peace, happiness, health, wealth and fun in the coming year.

Peace out 2017. Lets pray the next year treats us all better!

P.S  THIS POST IS MY 200th POST ON MY BLOG!!!!!  I guess I am going out with a bang!  Good job me!

You Don’t Know Me…

So there is this thing that just drives me nuts. They say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery. I don’t know if this is true but I don’t believe it in my own case. I know that sounds weird, but the one thing that irritates me to no end is someone who acts like me.

By this I mean someone who doesn’t have their own thoughts, opinions, habits, ways of saying things, ways of acting, that are not their own. Instead they adopt mine. Its like saying what you think I want to hear. You don’t know me enough to know what I want to hear—even though I have said repeatedly that I prefer the truth above all things. I don’t care if I don’t believe it; I don’t care if I don’t agree with it; I don’t care if it hurts my feelings. I will live. I would rather have an ugly truth than a pretty lie. Because when I find out you are lying to me—and I will—then you just lost my respect and trust. So really, what is the point?

I just reread what I typed and its a bit confusing. My thoughts are a bit jumbled today. Last night they were clearer about what I wanted to blog about today, but time moves on and my brain moves with it. So I am just going to say what I can remember and make sense of it later. It just needs to get out of my head.

One of the things I was thinking about last night is how my perception of myself is so fucking different from other people’s perception of me.

Your perception:  smart, funny, strong, capable, independent, open, happy, transparent, reliable, attractive, fun, big-hearted, passionate.

My perception:  stupid, dumb, useless, worthless, a burden, bitchy, mean, abusive, closed, weak, dependent, emotional, angry, irrational, irritable.

My perception of myself is SOOOO different from your perception of me. I hear yours, but instead of believing it, I immediately think “oh damn, I am a great actress”. I don’t know why I cannot or will not believe that I am all those things that people think of me. Have I just beat myself up for so long that I don’t know how to ever see myself in a real way?

The really stupid thing is that in my heart I know I more your perception than mine. The reason I think this is true is because when I make a list of the good things about me and the bad things about me, the good list is so much longer. But even seeing it on paper doesn’t convince me. I don’t know why that is. Am I so wrapped up in being miserable that I don’t know any other way to be? I hope that is not the truth…………..but I have a feeling it probably is. Such an ingrained habit. I try to make it change, but I just have no idea how to not live this way. It always comes sneaking back in because of my stupid self-loathing thoughts.

Even practicing, I do okay for a little bit, then I go right back to “I’m just kidding myself that I am this person” as soon as I lose it even once. I just feel like I cannot win for losing with my stupid brain.

I wish I could rewire everything in there. I see all these other people in life and on tv and wonder why I cannot be like them. Why I cannot seem to grasp that key to being happy. I wouldn’t even want to be like them…If I could just channel my work self and make that my all the time self, I would be happy. I am so different at work than I am at home. I don’t really even know why it is such a huge difference. But it is like a switch. I become my best me at work and as soon as I leave work, I revert to the demon me. I wish I could figure out why that is.  And then change it.

But until that happens, I will keep writing and searching and praying and counseling.

Fuck My Life—Sometimes.

I know people know my struggles—from the little I tell them. What they don’t know is what I go through every single fucking day–ALL DAY LONG.  It only takes one little thing to set me off on a tangent and I barely recover each time.

So I am going to let you in on what every day of my life feels like. Even when you think I am doing well and in a good mood and whatever..  Behind the scenes all this is happening.

Proceed with caution.

Always overanalyzing everything, from something as simple as taking longer than usual to reply to a text message to saying ‘hello’ instead of ‘hey.’ It’s exhausting.

Losing my temper. At times I have actually scared/worried the person I’m with because my anger is so bad. I shout, cry, swear and afterwards cry even more because of the amount of embarrassment and shame I feel for being so vile. It feels uncontrollable at the time, and yet when you reflect, you feel like you should have been able to stop it. It’s frustrating.

Lacking trust. I trust nothing and nobody anymore. My paranoia from this stupid disease has gotten me to the point that I feel like everyone is out to get me. Not all the time, but when something goes missing, or something should have been somewhere its not anymore, I immediately start thinking people are fucking with me, because I don’t understand how the fuck it could happen. Yes, my logical brain is in there telling me different, but my BPD brain couldn’t give a fuck what my logical brain is saying.

Sleeping. People don’t understand how often I have to ‘recharge.’ Simple things are exhausting, especially when there’s social interaction,especially with my family. I’m not being lazy when I go to sleep early and get up late…. My body and brain clearly need a break.

I pick little fights to test you and see if you will leave me. Especially with my boyfriend. I am terrified of him leaving, yet I spend my life pushing him away.

I ask a lot of questions I know the answer to because of my fear of failure.

People don’t realize I don’t ask for help when I really need it due to the anxieties around rejection and abandonment. In fact, if I do ask for help, its because I have hit rock bottom and have absolutely no other options.

Neutral and mundane words, situations and facial expressions are often distorted in my perception and interpreted as threats of abandonment and rejection. The smallest real or perceived slight can send me into panic or desperation. It’s hard to simply have a conversation sometimes or go home at night and fight off the constant anger or panic. It hurts so bad and can last a long time. This then leads to other difficulties like impulsiveness and insecure attachment patterns. It is exhausting.

Because of my fear of abandonment and rejection, I often overreact when I feel like someone has slighted me. You didn’t reply to my message? You texted me without a smiley face? You walked by me in the hallway without saying hi? You cancel plans we had? I immediately assume you’re mad at me, that you’re avoiding or ignoring me. And my reaction to that is to go into defensive mode. I’m angry at you because you’re ‘obviously’ angry at me and I don’t know why (although I run through a thousand possibilities in my mind). I shut down. I avoid you so I don’t have to face you outright rejecting me. I get unreasonably upset. And then people don’t understand why I’m upset because as far as they know they didn’t do anything wrong. I wish there was a way I could make people understand how my mind and my emotions work and that I can’t help overreacting to something that seems irrelevant. To me, everything is a mountain…

I self-sabotage everything. Things could be going well, but I find a way to destroy it. Super fucking awesome.

Being tired all the time — ALL THE TIME. I’m just always really tired from having to deal with life and my head.

I’m constantly holding back my feelings because they change so often that I never know how I actually feel about something until way later. They are influenced by everything around me. I can love you one second and I hate you in an hour. That is why I can never commit to an emotion because I don’t trust that it won’t change.

I change the subject of the conversation immediately if the subject is unpleasant and causing a reaction — anger, sadness, fear, etc. I avoid those and so I change the subject so often that not only my friends, but I also, get lost in the conversation.

Sending a long text, ending it with “you don’t have to answer” because I don’t want to be a burden, and then getting mad when they don’t answer because even though I said it was OK, I think if they really cared they would have responded.

When I’m quiet, it’s not because I have nothing to say. I’d rather let the emotions storm inside me than say the wrong thing and hurt you.

Asking people if they are mad at me.

My emotions, good and bad, are amplified, and often times, my reactions can seem like they’re an overreaction. In reality, I feel everything too intensely and react according. 

I am unreasonable. If you don’t agree with how I am feeling about a situation, then you don’t care about me. Even when I know in the back of my mind, I am being dramatic and ridiculous, I still get stuck on that thought.

And if I haven’t mentioned it above, I am ALWAYS tired. So exhausted and overwhelmed most days by the bullshit of my thoughts and emotions, I can barely make it from day to day without just wanting to end it all and put myself and everyone else out of misery.

Welcome to my hell.

I Can’t Win for Losing….

Today was a shitty day. It shouldn’t have been, but it was. I started yelling at Choney the moment I got in the car due to his lack of follow-through, then after finding out Adrianna has been doing really good in school since the previous drama, I felt better. We went to her Holiday festival at school and for some stupid reason, I was feeling good about myself.

You think I’d know better by now that me feeling good and stable is a fucking sign of bad things to come. So I went ahead and called Roberta to see if we could come this weekend to do Christmas with them and my kids.  Unfortunately that didn’t work out the way I planned.

So long story short: I thought I could be ready to be back involved in their lives and yet less than five minutes into the conversation, I was crying and on the defensive. I don’t know what I expected, I guess.

I thought that everyone was just waiting around for me to pull my head out of my ass…however, I realized the hard way, my head is still way the fuck up there. I was thinking I was strong enough…emotionally less rocky enough…smart enough to jump back in with both feet. WRONG FUCKING ANSWER.

So now, I am not going to see my dad and stepmom and I have managed to not only make them feel shitty, but I have managed to wipe out all the work I have done in counseling about not self-bashing, negative self-talk and blaming myself. Yup…been doing that since 630pm. Its been fucking awesome.

I did find out some interesting things in the conversation though… the first one being that someone on my Facebook page decided that my parents needed to know about my blog. So yeah…nothing like a big helping of guilt to go with my misery. Thanks whoever you are for doing that… Oh wait.

So now, I get to hear about how hurt and betrayed my parents are because they found out things they didn’t know via a third party who really had no fucking business putting my shit on front street with them. Can you sense some anger here? Yeah…I am a bit pissed off. Again…whoever you are, thank you for making my already giant mound of guilt even bigger.

Now, don’t get me wrong….I totally get that I put my shit on front street all on my own….and I do that for specific reasons. One, to get all the bullshit that festers in my brain out, and two, to make people understand who and why I am the way I am. If you have a problem with what I say or who I say it about, then 1)- don’t read my shit. 2)- remove yourself from my pages. 3)-fuck off.

I would like to reiterate that I DO NOT WRITE FOR YOU. I write for me. I don’t care if you don’t like it. Its not put here for your approval. This is my blog. That is my facebook page. If you can’t handle my truth, then move the fuck on with your life. Seriously. My shit here is personal…extremely personal..and I will not apologize for anything I say on my own sites.

I took me a few years and more courage than I can tell you about to make my blog public….  And my reason’s for doing so are mine.

Anyway….so back to the reason I am writing. So I talked to my stepmom and she kept reiterating that if I was comfortable coming over, she was fine with it, but she didn’t want anyone that was there to be uncomfortable in any way. So me, being me, took this as she was just really not comfortable with me jumping back in like that. She did elaborate that they have struggled with having no contact with me for 8 months (kind of shocked its been that long actually), which I guess I never realized. I know normal people would realize this, but this is not how my brain works. I honestly thought me taking a break from them would be a relief for all involved.

I am a burden. I know this. I live this every day. It’s the reason I have to talk myself out of dying every day. I know that I am hard to deal with. I know that I am irrational and dramatic. I know that I am way too emotional to ever live a normal life. I know that I am burden. I am a burden to myself—-so it makes perfect sense in my head that I am one to other people.

And it doesn’t matter if they tell me that is not the case. In my mind, I know better. Welcome to my borderline personality disorder.  I hate myself, so I just assume everyone else feels the same. I know in my logical brain that is not true…………..but because I don’t have the love for me that others do, I do not, can not comprehend why the fuck anyone cares about me. Especially my parents. I have done nothing in my life but disappoint them.  I actually said that to Roberta today and she said something to the effect of “you’re not a disappointment, me and your dad just think you have so much more potential”.  Well, in my mind that translates to ” yes, you have never lived up to our standards and yes, although we would never say it like that, you are a disappointment”.  I am not stupid.

I know that I have not lived up to my potential, whatever that may be. I know that I have wasted a lot of time and money and life on bullshit that never helped me move forward. I did exactly the opposite of pretty much everyone in my family. My dad has said (sarcastically) before “you’ve been at this job for a year now, isn’t it time to move on?”  Umm, seriously?  Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? No? Well let me tell you… like a fucking loser. And I know I am a loser—it is really not necessary that you point it out. I get it. I live my life. I know what I am.

I told Roberta they were always judging me…and I judged myself enough for everyone…so I couldn’t deal with their judgement. She was actually offended by this. I am still struggling to figure out why.,,,,,  I won’t lie, they are some of the most judgmental people I know.  I know Roberta tries to keep an open mind, but my dad is soooooo judgy. He’s always been this way… you’d think I would be used to it. I guess for years I was…and I am exactly the same way. So its hard to say shit when I do the same shit.   But since my BPD took hold, I no longer deal with things well. UGH.

Another thing she said was that she thought that my meds and counseling were going to help fix this.  Hmmmm…little does she know that BPD cannot be fixed. Like I told my mom previously:  the way to successfully beat BPD is to die a natural death..not one by your own hand.  That is pretty much the only way this is every going to be “fixed”. And trust me, that is a daily struggle.

Of course all this perception is from the mind and emotion of a borderline…. so most of it is probably pretty screwed up in my own head.  But I cannot stop the way it feels, and my mind is one big clusterfuck of bullshit.

I wish I could let them in so they could see what being me is about…. But I don’t want them to hate me forever…..