I Seriously Can’t Even…..

So I had a breakdown in counseling last week and I was given a homework assignment. I haven’t done it yet. I was going to do it tonight since I have counseling coming up again, but instead, I am going to write about something else. Maybe later I will do my homework. We shall see.

I have known Choney for over 25 years. When I first met him, I couldn’t fucking stand him. Like really, truly hated him. He was so annoying. He was the brother of my best friends’ husband. Luckily, I didn’t have to interact with him that much at that time. Forward to two years later–right after I had Deven, so 1996.  He had just come out of prison for the millionth time (unfortunately that didn’t stop until like 2013 or something) and he moved in with his brother and my friend. Well…I was also living there at the time with my kids. For some reason, I have no idea what the actual fuck happened, but when I saw him again after two years, I fell immediately in love. It may or may not have had something to do with the fact he was buff as hell having just come out of lockup and way more mature than the last time I had seen him.  But I regress.

Regardless, I fell head over heels in love with him that moment and have loved him ever since. That was in 1996. We were together for 6 years. Unfortunately, he was in and out of prison and on and off drugs.  So needless to say, our time was a bit chaotic. But, he is the only person I have ever dated that I could be my 100% true, authentic, crazy self with and that still holds true to this day. There has only been one other in my life like that aside from him and so it means something to me.

Anyway, in 2001, I decided I couldn’t take the drugs and bullshit anymore and up and left Utah. I moved to New Mexico in January of 2002.  I saw him twice in all the years I have been here until October 2015, (the first time was 2003) when I went back to Utah with my mom for a week and found out his mom had passed away. I had kept in touch with his mom all those years except for the last few, so I was still close with her and I was really sad about that. I decided to look him up and offer my condolences. When I saw him for the first time after 14 years, I was struck by the emotion that I had for him. It was like no time had passed and I was still that head over heels in love girl. So I brought him back to NM with me in October 2015. At the time, everyone was stunned, but they trusted my decisions, even if they didn’t agree with them.

Now it is 2 years, 3 months later.

Not only has he been living here for that long–that is also the longest he has been sober since he was 15. So there is that. While I am so proud of his sobriety, I have had the experience of getting to know him as a sober person–both him and I. That has been rough.  For a few reasons.  One, we are very different people than we were 20 years ago. I have gone through a lot and its changed me (I much more broken and bitter when it comes to love and opening myself up to it). Second, as more time goes on that he is sober, his body is starting to reveal all the damage he has done to it over the years.  It started with his vision. He was jumped like 14 years ago and a muscle in his eye is very damaged. He will have to wear special lenses for the rest of his life. His joints are also pretty much destroyed–his bones as well. Meth was his drug of choice and meth destroys bone. He has dentures. He has restless leg syndrome. His knuckles lock at random. He has osteoarthritis throughout his body. His knee needs to be replaced, his asthma is out of control, even with heavy steroidal medication, His eyesight worsens every year, and he has constant pain. Every week something new comes up with him.

I am sick of it to say the least. I know that sounds harsh…and it probably is, but I am too young to be with someone with this many health issues. Selfish? Maybe. Cold? Maybe. But it is how I feel, and the one thing I learned in counseling is that I need to own how I feel, regardless of whether it has a good or bad label. I just need to feel it, and work through it and whatever. So yeah.

SOOOOOOOO—today I found out that my 44 year old boyfriend had a minor heart attack in November. That’s fucking awesome. (sarcasm alert). So now, not only do I have to deal with all of his other health problems, plus the issues we have between us, plus his daughters issues….NOW I have to deal with the possibility of him having a major heart attack at any given moment. Not only does heart disease run in his family,  and he will probably develop diabetes here in the next couple years, he has abused his body so fucking much it is just a matter of when, not if.  Mother fucking fabulous.

I know this sounds so horrible, but I don’t want to deal with it anymore.  I have been dealing with so much regarding him and his child, that this just seems like straw that broke the camel.  I don’t honestly know how much more I can take here. I feel like I should not be dealing with essentially an 80 year old in my life unless it was either a billionaire, a grandfather, or one of my parents. A boyfriend? No. No. Just fucking NO.

I am strong person. But my plate is already full with  my own issues–both mental and physical. I just don’t think I have it in me to take on this much of someone else’s bullshit. And yes, before you start pointing fingers and shaking heads and deciding I am a piece of shit, know that I am already on the guilt/shame train…… so don’t judge. There are more issues in my relationship than you know or I am willing to divulge that bring me to this point.

I should love him enough to stick by him. I should be better than this. I should be a better person, etc, etc, etc. Well, I am not. I don’t even want to be. It would be different if our relationship was different. It would be different if I didn’t feel like I was being punished for all his past mistakes. It would be different if him and his daughter weren’t such a giant fucking burden on my life. It would be different if things were fucking different. This is not what I wanted my life to be. I have been taking care of people my whole life–I want someone to take care of me back as I get older…. I don’t want to live with or be with someone that is physically dependent on me. He’s already financially dependent and that is almost more than I can handle.  So now fucking what?

I am not mentally, emotionally or physically prepared to take on this much ………………..shit.

I am just not.

And I have no fucking idea what to even do with any of it.

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Farewell 2017

So I decided to do one more blog post before the year officially ends.  I don’t know how much I actually have to say tonight, but, I have said that before and then the words spill out of me like so much lava.  So tonight, I am going to reflect on the things I have done this year and the things I may want to do better next year. I will not be making any resolutions. Resolutions make no sense to me–why wait until the end of one year and the beginning of another to change? Why not just change when you are thinking about it instead.

So anyway—- 2017 has been quite a year for me. I have had so many ups and downs, I can’t quite believe I managed to survive them. Some of the things I remember most are finally getting my meds straight and getting into counseling. That was probably the most productive thing I did this year. I also kicked out and brought back Choney and Adrianna. I don’t know how I feel about those things. It really depends on the day. I stopped talking to my dad and stepmom. This was good for my soul and my brain, but not so much for my heart. I am slowly working my way back in, so we shall see what next year brings.

Samantha got a boyfriend, Keaton, who is amazing to her and I have never seen her this happy. She turned 22. UGH. She has kept her job this year also and is moving up in the company. I hope good things keep coming her way. She is amazing and she deserves it.

Skyler was made night manager of his company and is doing great. He has a girlfriend, Dominique, who is also awesome. They have had their struggles, but are currently living together and doing pretty well as far as I can see.  He drives a mustang, which he loves and puts all his money into. At least it is something productive. They have a husky named Maya. She is a wild animal but cute as sin.

Deven–my baby– turned 21 this year. Holy balls batman. If that doesn’t make me feel old….  He is finally buckling down and knocking school out. He graduates from Freedom High in May 2018. Super proud of him. He is growing up, slowly but surely. I think. He is so freaking smart. He makes music–rap–and his songs are amazing. I hope that someone somewhere sees his stuff. He says he doesn’t care if anyone sees it or if it goes anywhere, but I still think that would be a nice coup for him.

My dogs, Whiskey and Koda, turned 4 and 6 this year. This makes me sad because time is moving too quickly with them…..yet it makes me happy that they have been in my life this long. I cannot describe the depth of emotion I have for those dogs, especially Whiskey. He just makes me whole.

My cats, Niko and Kendal, are 9 and 7 this year. Whoa! I cannot believe they have been in my life for so long. They are my babies as well. CJ would be 8 this year. I hope he’s living well, wherever he is. It has now been 4 years since he went missing.

I am still working at Milagro—with some of the greatest people I know. I still love my job and love the population I work with. I don’t think I will be leaving anytime soon.

I have been at the same address now going into my 8th year. I can honestly say this is a record for me. Who knew my wanderlust would finally calm down? Certainly not me. I love my house–even though I am only renting. It is perfect for my family right now. I may decide to buy in the future but right now its a distant thought.

Since I am talking about my family—-I would like to send some shout-outs to the people in my life:

Babe–you drive me fucking crazy. Some days I would rather punch you in your face rather than look at you or be around you, but at the end of the day, I love you more than life. You are my rock. Thank you for not only being you, but for putting up with me day in and day out. I do fear there may come a day you won’t anymore, but I hope I can get my shit together before that happens. I love you so much. 4 life baby!

Skyler–I love you son. I love you so much more than you will ever know. You are my firstborn. I know I didn’t always do right by you, but you turned out to be such an amazing person—even though I cannot take all the credit. I am so proud of you and all you have done with your life. j You are so smart and motivated and funny and talented. Thank you for stepping up for me with all my car issues. Thank you for having my back and making it known. I appreciate you so much! You are so great and I love you so very  much. Keep doing amazing things. Thank you for putting up with me all these years—I know it hasn’t always been easy.

Samantha–I love you best daughter ever. You are my only daughter and the light of my life. I love you so much more than you realize. You are my steady, sarcastic, beautiful, funny, amazing baby girl. I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished. You have really grown in the last couple years and it is such a joy to watch you. I am so glad we are so close and I didn’t ruin you with all my bullshit. Keep on keeping on with your bad self. I love you and appreciate you so very much my beautiful girl.  Thank you for always putting up with me–I know I am hard to deal with.

Deven–my baby boy. I love you more than there are words. You are my ground when my feet aren’t steady. I can always count on you for a laugh and when I need you. You may grumble, but you always come through for me. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. You have always been the one who can make me see the logic in life–no matter how much I hate it and don’t want to. You have come so far. I am so freaking proud of you for all you  have accomplished. You are so smart and talented and funny and reliable. Thank you for putting up with me for all these years–I know I am a nutjob.  I love you and appreciate you so very much my Tipper.

Mom–I love you and appreciate you more than you realize. I know we have had a long rough path to get to where we are today, but I want you to know that since we have started communicating again (going on three years now), our relationship is the best its ever been. I know we have our moments but I cannot thank you enough for attempting to understand me and my disorder and making such a great effort to accept me for all I am. Knowing that you try is such an amazing feeling. I love you so very much. Flex too. I wish you health, wealth and happiness in this coming year.

Diana–thank you for being who you are in my life–who you have always been; my other mother. There are so many times in my life I don’t think I would have survived without you by my side. Thank you for being on my team and being there for me in ways you probably don’t even realize. I love you more than you could ever know. Thanks for being my cheerleader in my so very chaotic world. I wish you peace and happiness and love in the new year.

Michele—I cannot even tell you what you mean to me my friend. You are my sounding board, my bitching post, my friend, my sister. I love you more than you know. I thank God every day that I met you. Who knew we would end up so close considering how we started out. I love you so very much.  Thank you for putting up with me.dd

Chandra–my BFFF. God I love you. I know we don’t spend much time together, but you will always be my heart. I couldn’t survive without knowing you in my life. Thank you for being you and never tossing me away because of my anti-socialness. I love you for that……………….and so, so much more!

Edy—I cannot begin to tell you how much you mean to me. Thank you for always, always being there for me. I know we need to spend more time together. We need better memories than a psycho (but hilarious) trip to Vegas….haha. Thank you for being such a great friend. I love you so very, very much!

Linda–I feel like I have known you forever. I love hanging out with you. Thank you so much for being there for me and my family in so many ways. From fixing the dogs face with a sock to scouting out furniture for your vacation home. You are amazing. I am so glad I know you…. I love you so very much!

Mandy–You are the best supervisor and friend anyone could ask for. You make coming to work such a pleasure. I cannot imagine not working with you, so neither one of us is allowed to leave now.  I have so much fun with you–both inside and outside of work. I love you so very  much!  We need to go paint soon!  Thanks for putting up with me. It is so appreciated.

Dave–Holy shit, I don’t even know what to say to your crazy ass. Thank you so much for being my friend and never expecting more than I can give. Thank you for listening to me bitch about my life and letting me dump all my bullshit on you. Your feedback is invaluable, even though I hardly do what you say. You are the one person I can completely count on for direct balls out honesty, even when I hate it. You are me in male form, without the BPD. I love your face. Thanks for being my friend.  Now… move in with your damn girlfriend already. Sheesh. Its been almost six years.

To all my other friends and family—-Thank you for being in my life. Knowing you guys and knowing you are always there for a chat, a funny, a bitch session, whatever, makes my life so tolerable. I thank you all for not judging me—or at least not telling me you’re judging me, haha. Thank you all for putting up with me through all these years… it means more than you realize.

I wish all of you peace, happiness, health, wealth and fun in the coming year.

Peace out 2017. Lets pray the next year treats us all better!

P.S  THIS POST IS MY 200th POST ON MY BLOG!!!!!  I guess I am going out with a bang!  Good job me!

You Don’t Know Me…

So there is this thing that just drives me nuts. They say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery. I don’t know if this is true but I don’t believe it in my own case. I know that sounds weird, but the one thing that irritates me to no end is someone who acts like me.

By this I mean someone who doesn’t have their own thoughts, opinions, habits, ways of saying things, ways of acting, that are not their own. Instead they adopt mine. Its like saying what you think I want to hear. You don’t know me enough to know what I want to hear—even though I have said repeatedly that I prefer the truth above all things. I don’t care if I don’t believe it; I don’t care if I don’t agree with it; I don’t care if it hurts my feelings. I will live. I would rather have an ugly truth than a pretty lie. Because when I find out you are lying to me—and I will—then you just lost my respect and trust. So really, what is the point?

I just reread what I typed and its a bit confusing. My thoughts are a bit jumbled today. Last night they were clearer about what I wanted to blog about today, but time moves on and my brain moves with it. So I am just going to say what I can remember and make sense of it later. It just needs to get out of my head.

One of the things I was thinking about last night is how my perception of myself is so fucking different from other people’s perception of me.

Your perception:  smart, funny, strong, capable, independent, open, happy, transparent, reliable, attractive, fun, big-hearted, passionate.

My perception:  stupid, dumb, useless, worthless, a burden, bitchy, mean, abusive, closed, weak, dependent, emotional, angry, irrational, irritable.

My perception of myself is SOOOO different from your perception of me. I hear yours, but instead of believing it, I immediately think “oh damn, I am a great actress”. I don’t know why I cannot or will not believe that I am all those things that people think of me. Have I just beat myself up for so long that I don’t know how to ever see myself in a real way?

The really stupid thing is that in my heart I know I more your perception than mine. The reason I think this is true is because when I make a list of the good things about me and the bad things about me, the good list is so much longer. But even seeing it on paper doesn’t convince me. I don’t know why that is. Am I so wrapped up in being miserable that I don’t know any other way to be? I hope that is not the truth…………..but I have a feeling it probably is. Such an ingrained habit. I try to make it change, but I just have no idea how to not live this way. It always comes sneaking back in because of my stupid self-loathing thoughts.

Even practicing, I do okay for a little bit, then I go right back to “I’m just kidding myself that I am this person” as soon as I lose it even once. I just feel like I cannot win for losing with my stupid brain.

I wish I could rewire everything in there. I see all these other people in life and on tv and wonder why I cannot be like them. Why I cannot seem to grasp that key to being happy. I wouldn’t even want to be like them…If I could just channel my work self and make that my all the time self, I would be happy. I am so different at work than I am at home. I don’t really even know why it is such a huge difference. But it is like a switch. I become my best me at work and as soon as I leave work, I revert to the demon me. I wish I could figure out why that is.  And then change it.

But until that happens, I will keep writing and searching and praying and counseling.

Fuck My Life—Sometimes.

I know people know my struggles—from the little I tell them. What they don’t know is what I go through every single fucking day–ALL DAY LONG.  It only takes one little thing to set me off on a tangent and I barely recover each time.

So I am going to let you in on what every day of my life feels like. Even when you think I am doing well and in a good mood and whatever..  Behind the scenes all this is happening.

Proceed with caution.

Always overanalyzing everything, from something as simple as taking longer than usual to reply to a text message to saying ‘hello’ instead of ‘hey.’ It’s exhausting.

Losing my temper. At times I have actually scared/worried the person I’m with because my anger is so bad. I shout, cry, swear and afterwards cry even more because of the amount of embarrassment and shame I feel for being so vile. It feels uncontrollable at the time, and yet when you reflect, you feel like you should have been able to stop it. It’s frustrating.

Lacking trust. I trust nothing and nobody anymore. My paranoia from this stupid disease has gotten me to the point that I feel like everyone is out to get me. Not all the time, but when something goes missing, or something should have been somewhere its not anymore, I immediately start thinking people are fucking with me, because I don’t understand how the fuck it could happen. Yes, my logical brain is in there telling me different, but my BPD brain couldn’t give a fuck what my logical brain is saying.

Sleeping. People don’t understand how often I have to ‘recharge.’ Simple things are exhausting, especially when there’s social interaction,especially with my family. I’m not being lazy when I go to sleep early and get up late…. My body and brain clearly need a break.

I pick little fights to test you and see if you will leave me. Especially with my boyfriend. I am terrified of him leaving, yet I spend my life pushing him away.

I ask a lot of questions I know the answer to because of my fear of failure.

People don’t realize I don’t ask for help when I really need it due to the anxieties around rejection and abandonment. In fact, if I do ask for help, its because I have hit rock bottom and have absolutely no other options.

Neutral and mundane words, situations and facial expressions are often distorted in my perception and interpreted as threats of abandonment and rejection. The smallest real or perceived slight can send me into panic or desperation. It’s hard to simply have a conversation sometimes or go home at night and fight off the constant anger or panic. It hurts so bad and can last a long time. This then leads to other difficulties like impulsiveness and insecure attachment patterns. It is exhausting.

Because of my fear of abandonment and rejection, I often overreact when I feel like someone has slighted me. You didn’t reply to my message? You texted me without a smiley face? You walked by me in the hallway without saying hi? You cancel plans we had? I immediately assume you’re mad at me, that you’re avoiding or ignoring me. And my reaction to that is to go into defensive mode. I’m angry at you because you’re ‘obviously’ angry at me and I don’t know why (although I run through a thousand possibilities in my mind). I shut down. I avoid you so I don’t have to face you outright rejecting me. I get unreasonably upset. And then people don’t understand why I’m upset because as far as they know they didn’t do anything wrong. I wish there was a way I could make people understand how my mind and my emotions work and that I can’t help overreacting to something that seems irrelevant. To me, everything is a mountain…

I self-sabotage everything. Things could be going well, but I find a way to destroy it. Super fucking awesome.

Being tired all the time — ALL THE TIME. I’m just always really tired from having to deal with life and my head.

I’m constantly holding back my feelings because they change so often that I never know how I actually feel about something until way later. They are influenced by everything around me. I can love you one second and I hate you in an hour. That is why I can never commit to an emotion because I don’t trust that it won’t change.

I change the subject of the conversation immediately if the subject is unpleasant and causing a reaction — anger, sadness, fear, etc. I avoid those and so I change the subject so often that not only my friends, but I also, get lost in the conversation.

Sending a long text, ending it with “you don’t have to answer” because I don’t want to be a burden, and then getting mad when they don’t answer because even though I said it was OK, I think if they really cared they would have responded.

When I’m quiet, it’s not because I have nothing to say. I’d rather let the emotions storm inside me than say the wrong thing and hurt you.

Asking people if they are mad at me.

My emotions, good and bad, are amplified, and often times, my reactions can seem like they’re an overreaction. In reality, I feel everything too intensely and react according. 

I am unreasonable. If you don’t agree with how I am feeling about a situation, then you don’t care about me. Even when I know in the back of my mind, I am being dramatic and ridiculous, I still get stuck on that thought.

And if I haven’t mentioned it above, I am ALWAYS tired. So exhausted and overwhelmed most days by the bullshit of my thoughts and emotions, I can barely make it from day to day without just wanting to end it all and put myself and everyone else out of misery.

Welcome to my hell.

I Can’t Win for Losing….

Today was a shitty day. It shouldn’t have been, but it was. I started yelling at Choney the moment I got in the car due to his lack of follow-through, then after finding out Adrianna has been doing really good in school since the previous drama, I felt better. We went to her Holiday festival at school and for some stupid reason, I was feeling good about myself.

You think I’d know better by now that me feeling good and stable is a fucking sign of bad things to come. So I went ahead and called Roberta to see if we could come this weekend to do Christmas with them and my kids.  Unfortunately that didn’t work out the way I planned.

So long story short: I thought I could be ready to be back involved in their lives and yet less than five minutes into the conversation, I was crying and on the defensive. I don’t know what I expected, I guess.

I thought that everyone was just waiting around for me to pull my head out of my ass…however, I realized the hard way, my head is still way the fuck up there. I was thinking I was strong enough…emotionally less rocky enough…smart enough to jump back in with both feet. WRONG FUCKING ANSWER.

So now, I am not going to see my dad and stepmom and I have managed to not only make them feel shitty, but I have managed to wipe out all the work I have done in counseling about not self-bashing, negative self-talk and blaming myself. Yup…been doing that since 630pm. Its been fucking awesome.

I did find out some interesting things in the conversation though… the first one being that someone on my Facebook page decided that my parents needed to know about my blog. So yeah…nothing like a big helping of guilt to go with my misery. Thanks whoever you are for doing that… Oh wait.

So now, I get to hear about how hurt and betrayed my parents are because they found out things they didn’t know via a third party who really had no fucking business putting my shit on front street with them. Can you sense some anger here? Yeah…I am a bit pissed off. Again…whoever you are, thank you for making my already giant mound of guilt even bigger.

Now, don’t get me wrong….I totally get that I put my shit on front street all on my own….and I do that for specific reasons. One, to get all the bullshit that festers in my brain out, and two, to make people understand who and why I am the way I am. If you have a problem with what I say or who I say it about, then 1)- don’t read my shit. 2)- remove yourself from my pages. 3)-fuck off.

I would like to reiterate that I DO NOT WRITE FOR YOU. I write for me. I don’t care if you don’t like it. Its not put here for your approval. This is my blog. That is my facebook page. If you can’t handle my truth, then move the fuck on with your life. Seriously. My shit here is personal…extremely personal..and I will not apologize for anything I say on my own sites.

I took me a few years and more courage than I can tell you about to make my blog public….  And my reason’s for doing so are mine.

Anyway….so back to the reason I am writing. So I talked to my stepmom and she kept reiterating that if I was comfortable coming over, she was fine with it, but she didn’t want anyone that was there to be uncomfortable in any way. So me, being me, took this as she was just really not comfortable with me jumping back in like that. She did elaborate that they have struggled with having no contact with me for 8 months (kind of shocked its been that long actually), which I guess I never realized. I know normal people would realize this, but this is not how my brain works. I honestly thought me taking a break from them would be a relief for all involved.

I am a burden. I know this. I live this every day. It’s the reason I have to talk myself out of dying every day. I know that I am hard to deal with. I know that I am irrational and dramatic. I know that I am way too emotional to ever live a normal life. I know that I am burden. I am a burden to myself—-so it makes perfect sense in my head that I am one to other people.

And it doesn’t matter if they tell me that is not the case. In my mind, I know better. Welcome to my borderline personality disorder.  I hate myself, so I just assume everyone else feels the same. I know in my logical brain that is not true…………..but because I don’t have the love for me that others do, I do not, can not comprehend why the fuck anyone cares about me. Especially my parents. I have done nothing in my life but disappoint them.  I actually said that to Roberta today and she said something to the effect of “you’re not a disappointment, me and your dad just think you have so much more potential”.  Well, in my mind that translates to ” yes, you have never lived up to our standards and yes, although we would never say it like that, you are a disappointment”.  I am not stupid.

I know that I have not lived up to my potential, whatever that may be. I know that I have wasted a lot of time and money and life on bullshit that never helped me move forward. I did exactly the opposite of pretty much everyone in my family. My dad has said (sarcastically) before “you’ve been at this job for a year now, isn’t it time to move on?”  Umm, seriously?  Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? No? Well let me tell you… like a fucking loser. And I know I am a loser—it is really not necessary that you point it out. I get it. I live my life. I know what I am.

I told Roberta they were always judging me…and I judged myself enough for everyone…so I couldn’t deal with their judgement. She was actually offended by this. I am still struggling to figure out why.,,,,,  I won’t lie, they are some of the most judgmental people I know.  I know Roberta tries to keep an open mind, but my dad is soooooo judgy. He’s always been this way… you’d think I would be used to it. I guess for years I was…and I am exactly the same way. So its hard to say shit when I do the same shit.   But since my BPD took hold, I no longer deal with things well. UGH.

Another thing she said was that she thought that my meds and counseling were going to help fix this.  Hmmmm…little does she know that BPD cannot be fixed. Like I told my mom previously:  the way to successfully beat BPD is to die a natural death..not one by your own hand.  That is pretty much the only way this is every going to be “fixed”. And trust me, that is a daily struggle.

Of course all this perception is from the mind and emotion of a borderline…. so most of it is probably pretty screwed up in my own head.  But I cannot stop the way it feels, and my mind is one big clusterfuck of bullshit.

I wish I could let them in so they could see what being me is about…. But I don’t want them to hate me forever…..

 

Emotional Disassociation?

I was reading an article this morning on emotional disassociation. It really hit home for me for some reason. Having BPD, I know that disassociation occurs–but it is usually not so specific; it is more generalized.

For those of you who don’t know what BPD disassociation is, here is a good definition. When I have regular disassociation, I will tend to act in a way that goes against what my brain is telling me. My head says one thing but my actions don’t give a shit.  I will say and do things that I know better than to do–but it is like I cannot stop myself–I feel like I am watching myself from the outside and my outside self is telling me to shut the fuck up already, but my inside self isn’t paying attention at all. Then I end up feeling like a complete asshole and having to apologize for my stupid ass behavior and shitty ass words. I hate when that happens. It just amplifies the guilt…and my whole life is one big guilt party. I hate that I add to it….

I have huge gaps in my memories. I remember some things, but not others. I tend to forget arguments that escalated me to a severely heightened emotional state. I tend to forget situations that caused me emotional or physical pain. I honestly don’t remember over half or more of my childhood. I can see pictures and have no recollection of the event. Its like looking at someone else’s memories with me in it.  However, I will randomly recall events that I don’t know whether they really happened or not… Sometimes I wonder if they are true memories or I once saw a picture of it. I never know.

I have learned to deal with these gaps. I don’t really know any difference honestly. I always thought it was just normal BPD disassociation, but after reading this article about emotional specific disassociation, I now wonder whether I tend to do that more. On a normal day, I cycle through emotions about 5-7 times.  By this I mean I feel things very quickly in a row:  anger usually starts it, then it goes to sadness, guilt, frustration, annoyance, and back to anger.  I cycle through all these intensely within a time-span of about 4 minutes. Then it is over, but I am exhausted.  I am always exhausted. BPD is fucking exhausting; the never-ending emotional fuckery sucks.

Anyway, back to emotional disassociation. So as I was reading this article, I realized how much of my life I have forgotten—from past stuff to present stuff.  For example, Choney and I were having a conversation about a conversation we had a few months ago. I didn’t remember it at all…. but the stuff he said I said sounds like something I would say.  When he was telling me about it, I remember getting a bit emotionally heightened and while I didn’t realize it at the time, I think now that I tend to block out the things that put me in that heightened state. Maybe it is a defense mechanism so that my guilt doesn’t trigger too much.  Especially when I was the asshole in the situation. Which I am a lot. UGH.

Its just weird how I will basically ignore so much of my disorder, then I read an article and all of the things that relate to this come crashing down…kind of like an epiphany. Like, oooohhhh, thats what that was.  I kind of hate it and kind of appreciate it. Its a fine line.

Anyway, just thought I would blog this thought so I remember it later….

Thanks for listening.

 

Death of a Pet

There is literally nothing harder than the death of a pet–aside from the death of a child. I don’t know why it is so much harder than other deaths. At least that is my opinion. I get so attached to animals–so much more than humans–and I don’t know why. Probably because humans are vapid, heartless, abusive asshats.  But again–thats just my opinion.

We had to put my moms’ dog down this week. It was so hard. It was time, he had some health problems and he was getting ornery. He had his third bite issue last week and three strikes your out here in my state when it comes to animals biting humans…even if the bite cannot be proven. Which it couldn’t.  But because of his past and because of the assholes dog he decided to fight with, my mom made the decision to put him down. It was soooo fucking hard. She was a wreck, I was a wreck, Nykee (that’s the dog) was terrified and confused, Choney was a wreck. It was horrible.

This dog was my moms entire reason for living. So with his death, we get another worry on our plate: will she manage to not kill herself.  Joy. She has severe depression and her dogs are literally her only reason for living… especially Nykee. Her other dog, Flex, will hopefully pull her through it, but he is struggling as well. Poor baby. He doesn’t know where his brother went and why he didn’t come back with his mom….  he whines at the door, sleeps in his kennel, cries all day, doesn’t eat, etc. He is in mourning. He will eventually be okay–probably sooner than the rest of us–but it is sad as hell to watch him be so confused and uncertain.

I love this dog. I have always loved this dog but I didn’t think his death would affect me so harshly. I cried for hours, and hours, and hours. Then I slept and woke up and cried some more. My eyes swelled shut, my head clogged up and it still makes me cry when I think about it or have to tell someone about it.  I cannot even IMAGINE what I will go through when I put my own babies down. I think I shall just go down with them. i don’t have enough strength to get through it….

Anyway–send prayers/healing thoughts/good vibes my way so I can pass them on to my madre…

RIP: Nykee– enjoy playing with your ball for the rest of your life. Bite who you want. Run pain free all the days!

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