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Affect BPD.

I did a quiz about my BPD–here are the results.

You have “affective” BPD, which is best known for emotional dysregulation. In simpler terms, this means feeling like you can’t control your emotions.

Mood swings are the name of the game for people with affective BPD — one minute you’re up and the next you’re really, really down. You struggle most with your emotions when you face challenges in your relationships or life. If you think someone you care for might be annoyed with you, it can ruin your day/week — you might even struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts as a result. On the flip side, if someone you respect a lot compliments you, you can be over the moon for hours. You are very emotionally affected by the things around you, whether it be good or bad. One bad thing can ruin your day whereas one good thing can make your day exceptional–and these can happen repeatedly in one day.

Your strength in this type of BPD is empathy for others. You can usually understand what people are going through even if you have never been in their shoes, so to speak. You are not good with feelings of sympathy for others–though you are capable of feeling bad for them–because sympathy feels like pity and pity feels harmful to someone who cannot control their emotions regularly.

“Affective” BPD is hard to control in the best of situations because you struggle with anger issues, so if something is misconstrued or taken out of context, anger or offense or even shutting down or shutting out people is likely to be the first response. People who have “affective” BPD are more likely to cry when angry, happy, sad, frustrated or lonely.  

Small things can trigger intense reactions. And once upset, you have trouble calming down. It’s easy to understand how this emotional volatility and inability to self-soothe leads to relationship turmoil and impulsive—even reckless—behavior. When you’re in the throes of overwhelming emotions, you’re unable to think straight or stay grounded. You may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways that make you feel guilty or ashamed afterwards. It’s a painful cycle that can feel impossible to escape.

Well. That is fitting. Though it is just one aspect. I have added the DSM version of this below. Someone has to have five of these to be considered to have BPD. I highlighted the ones I relate with the most.  For whatever reason, I don’t have a fear of abandonment despite the way I grew up. I would say a huge lack of trust in people is more accurate. I struggle with trusting people, not because I don’t think they can be trusted, but more because I don’t trust people to stick around when they find out how chaotic my disorder is. Especially because it is really hard to understand…


Here are the 9 classic symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

The 9 symptoms of BPD

  1. Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.
  2. Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.
  3. Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.
  4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.
  5. Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.
  6. Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.
  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.
  8. Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.
  9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

Anyway, there you go. Just some information about my life and the shit I live with on a daily basis. 

This way, if you doubt my strength or my sanity, you now know why I am the way I am. I am that crazy girl, but not the kind that will destroy your property or burn your  house down crazy girl. I just have some mental connections that don’t fire right. 

And never, never ever, ever, ever doubt my strength.  I have it in abundance plus more. It takes serious inner strength to keep fighting every day, keep living every day, keep taking care of responsibilities every day when your mind is constantly telling you what a piece of shit you are and how much better off you (and everyone else)  would be if you just ended the madness…

Yet, here I am, 48 years later, still going like the mother fucking energizer bunny.  If the energizer bunny was an emotional wreck prone to random breakdowns and explosive anger. 

Anyway–thanks for listening. 

As you were.

I Guess It’s Over?

So after about 4 days of ridiculous emotional fuckery, I feel better. I guess that means this bout of nonsense is over?

Now for cleaning up the fallout of this big of a crash. FUCK. MY. LIFE.  This is almost the worst part for me.

I did stupid things and I said stupid things to people who mean the most to me…  now I have to apologize, and hope they understand that I am a bipolar fucking cuntbag. So that is awesome.

Since I did a year of therapy, I normally have my shit under control way better than I did this last breakdown. I haven’t gotten to this low of a point since then, and the guilt and disgust I feel about it is ridiculous.  But then, I haven’t had this bad of a breakdown in years….too much all at once I guess.  In hindsight, I should have called my psychiatrist and scheduled an appointment while I was in the throes of the madness.  Too little, too late. I guess I will refresh myself on my DBT skills and print out some shit that reminds me to pay better attention to the warning signs.  According to my friend, he had a feeling something was coming because I got shitty with him and I guess I rarely do that.

First rule of pending breakdown club:  listen better.

I guess I will just hope for the best and that all those that love me will still continue to support me even though I suck.

Thanks for listening.

As you were.

My Fucking Head Hurts….

I am so fucking overwhelmed. I want to curl up in a ball and die. I don’t understand why everything happens all at once in my life..  then I just make it worse by pushing those that help me away. The guilt I feel when I am in this frame of mind just intensifies when I feel like I am burdening others…  Its a vicious cycle that I cannot end.

Today I told one of my best friends that I need some time away—not because I want it, but because he said something that really made me think about how much I was putting on him. He is my go-to person. I tell him literally everything. He is the calm in my storm and he makes me see the other sides of things. He brings logic to my chaos…. and even when I fucking hate every minute of it, and I get shitty with him, it still makes sense to me and he still has my back.  But I’m too much for any one person to have to take on–especially because he has his own life and issues and really doesn’t need mine. And I was getting WAY too dependent on him and I don’t do dependence well.

I have been doing things on my own since I was 17—and it is really, really, really hard to depend on someone for anything. Every time I do it, something happens and they leave me. It’s inevitable, so I just need to leave first right now, before I get more emotionally involved than I already am. Its just a heartbreak waiting to happen, and I cannot put that on myself…or him.

I am also having to leave my house that I have been in for 9 years. The owners are selling it and I am not in a position to buy, so we need to move. We should have til the end of the year, but I have started looking at my options now. Unfortunately, that has overwhelmed me and just made everything else that much bigger in my life.  I am scared. I hate fucking admitting that, but its true. I am comfortable where I am–my dogs are happy, my cats are happy, my kid is happy. And now I have to re-home my cats most likely and that wrecks me. I am not that person. I don’t discard my responsibilities. EVER.  I took those cats in when they were babies and I am obligated and willing to take care of them til they pass—but this situation has fucked all that up. I can barely find places that will take my two dogs, much less two dogs and two cats.

My daughter is going to take my oldest cat, Niko. He loves her and he is not really good with people or other animals, so that works out. I hope. I still feel guilty. My baby girl Kendal is another story. She loves people and other animals, so she will be happy anywhere. I just can’t find anyone to take her and I will absolutely not take her to the pound. I will bring her secretly to wherever I go if I have to…  And too boot, I accidentally rolled up my pups head in the car window…which made me feel horrible and burst into just more fucking tears. She wasn’t hurt, just a bit freaked out.  It hurt me more than her. UGH. KMN.

Which brings me to more emotional fuckery—- my daughter has moved out into her own place with her boyfriend and best friend. I am SO FUCKING PROUD and excited for her–but I am so sad for me; she is growing up and making a life for herself that I am not a huge part of like I have been her whole life. Stupid being a parent.  Can’t wait til they move out and then when they do, it kicks my ass. I love her more than life and I am so glad she has taken this step, but man, I will miss not seeing her face everyday. Again, stupid being a parent.

Fuck I have a headache. I have been crying for days. I am a fucking emotional twat right now.

My mom is also overwhelming me. I know she just wants to help me, but she cannot understand or respect that I don’t need her help. She sits and worries, then drinks, then drunk texts me stupid shit I cannot handle. I have told her to back off, that I need my space right now to no avail. I don’t know if she forgets that I told her that or she just refuses to listen. I don’t want to get shitty with her, because this is just my emotional bullshit , but I really need her to understand that she is making it worse for me… I don’t need to be worrying about her worrying about us all the damn time. I have too much on my plate already.

Also, my car is acting up. I can’t with this. It is burning oil really fast. I didn’t realize this til yesterday when my fucking oil light flashed for a minute. I freaked out, of course. I pulled over, checked my dipstick and there was nothing. So I added a couple quarts of oil and sent a message to my friend, googled shit, and texted my son. Needless to say, since there are no leaks that I can see, I have to assume it is the piston rings, valves or gasket seals. And since that is a huge fucking endeavor, I will just keep an eye on it for now. I also put in some oil leak sealer shit that is supposed to help. We shall see.  But seriously, I don’t need car issues on top my other issues. My son says I just need to get rid of it— which I agree with, but again, not in a position to fucking do that. KMN.

Last but not least, I am sick. Again. Still. FUCK.  I started getting sick 9 days ago and while I am better than I was, I still am not completely 100%. I don’t know if it is allergies or a lingering cold or what, but I know I am sick of it. I know it is stress. I have had a really bad year and when I get to this level of stress, I always get sick. Stupid.  There are some other issues going on, but I am not ready to discuss them yet. No, I am not dying nor do I have some terminal illness. Settle down. I just have some health issues that need to be worked on but I am not in a financial position to have things taken care of. So I live with it and it makes me incredibly frustrated.

I am lonely.  <—  saying that out loud makes me fucking disgusted with myself.  It is the one thing I have never been until the last few years…and I am NOT A FUCKING FAN of this feeling. Not. A. Fucking. Fan.

I broke up with Choney a few weeks back, and while I have no desire to go back to that bullshit, I also miss having someone to do things with. No, don’t panic, I am NOT going back to him—even though I think about it, I know exactly what happens in my brain when I do. And I am not even willing to bring that back to my life—especially when all this other shit is going on. I will just distract myself til the urge passes.  I know I only miss him because I am lonely… and I know I don’t want him back in my life.

I have toxic traits that need to be worked out. When I am stressed, and lonely, it seems my first instinct is to call up my exes. Which is fucking retarded. Because I hate them. But, I am also scared of new things. My insecurities hold me back from wanting to meet new people, even though I want to meet new people.   I know most of you probably don’t realize how insecure I am, because I am actually pretty confident. If that makes any fucking sense at all.  I know who I am; I am very self-aware, and I know I am a really good person.  I am also a fat girl. Which is fine, but I am in the middle of the fat scale where I am not skinny enough or fat enough for guys to like me.  I know that sounds weird, but it is true. I am stuck in the awkward fat area where nobody really likes what they see–once they get past my face. My face is good.

I am on a low carb diet though, so eventually I will move out of that weird fat girl zone… though I have been fucking up a bit and that makes me annoyed. I mean, its not like I have anyone to answer to regarding it, but it still bugs me that I don’t have enough control or willpower to not fuck up.  Eh, whatever. I will just keep starting over.

I also am terrified of having to burden someone with… me.  I am a lot. I am moody and easily irritated. As I get older, I find I go through these random depressive episodes as well. They only last a few days, then I am fine, but because of that, and then the non-depressive times, I almost feel bi-polar. I don’t want to put that shit on someone else. Hence one of the reasons I need to let go of my friend….   I am needy and clingy, then I panic that I am overwhelming someone and switch to distant and cold.  Jesus fucking Christ, I change so fast that nobody can keep up, not even me sometimes.

This disorder is mine to bear. I will never be able to control it completely. I will never be “cured”. I will never be able to have a normal relationship like others because there are so many triggers to this shit. And that sucks. Because more than anything, I want my happy ending. But it takes a strong mother fucker to deal with me on a daily basis–and not just because of my disorder, but because I am a strong personality. I have been independent for most of my life and having to depend on someone is just foreign. It scares me.  No, it actually terrifies me to the core.

But whatever I guess. I know things will work out in the end…they always do. And they will probably be for the better, but right now, I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and the hopelessness is seeping in.  So I cry a lot. And I isolate even more. And I write.

And this too shall pass. All of it.

But for now, I want to bash my brains in–because my fucking head hurts.

Thanks for listening.

As you were.


It’s Time.

I chose today to end things with Choney. I have been thinking about it for a long time; hell, I have done it a few times, but if you know me, you know that I take my own sweet, ridiculous time to do everything—especially leave a guy.

I am an asshole. I did it on Facebook. I know that sounds horrible–and it is.  But I also know who I am and I know if I talked to him, I would let myself be talked back into “giving it one more try”, and I really, really, really don’t want to do that.

There are certain things he did that really put me over the edge–and surprisingly, it wasn’t the fact he took complete advantage of my kindness. SHUT UP–I can be kind.

The first reason was that he asked me to loan him six dollars. So I did. Actually he asked for ten, but all I had on me was six in cash.  He told me he would pay me when his other friend paid him. Yet, he got paid and never bothered to contact me about the money. I know, I know, it’s six dollars. Not the point. The point is that he said he would pay me back first thing when he got that money, yet he assumed that because it was just six bucks, I didn’t really need it or it wasn’t that serious.  I only found out he got paid because he accidentally mentioned it.. and I was like, ummmm?  He claimed it slipped his mind and he has a lot going on and blah, blah, blah.  Bottom line is that he doesn’t respect me enough to do what he says and he has this sense of entitlement that I have yet to figure out.  In all reality, if he would have mentioned it, I would’ve been like, don’t worry about it, its no biggie. But he didn’t bother to mention it. Strike.

Second, I was thinking over the past five months since we got back together, and I realize that not one time–NOT ONCE–did he ever do anything to show me he was happy that I was back. I initiated everything we did–and paid for most of it. I got him small tokens of appreciation to let him know that I was thinking about him.  But in return, I got nothing.  Oh wait. I got entitlement and him expecting me to do everything. Silly me.

Third. We went camping and fishing this weekend and guess who footed the bill?  Yup, me. At one point he actually said, and I quote, “I feel bad that I came camping without any money.”.  I said, well if you feel that bad, give me some money on the first when you get paid to help alleviate some of my costs.  He literally looked at me like I just grew another head.  Yeah…haven’t seen any money.  He also had the balls to ask if he could borrow $20 for beer…..oh and he would pay for the ice.  Umm, are you freaking kidding me?

I don’t understand, I have never understood, where his sense of entitlement comes from. He gets everything handed to him— always has. Someone has always taken care of him, he has never taken care of anyone before, not even himself. Now he got an apartment–that is being paid for a by an agency for two years. He gets food stamps and money from the state and his entire apartment has been furnished by different churches and entitites.  He DOES NOTHING.  In fact, he actually told me that once he moved into his apartment, he was going to take a month or so to just chill, then start doing some job training thing with TANF.  Seriously? A month? You’ve been taking years to just chill— what the actual fuck????  No pride, a ridiculous sense of entitlement, and some good manipulation skills. He will definitely milk the state and all these other agencies for as long as possible.

It’s funny, I always wondered where his daughter got her manipulation skills. I blamed her psychotic mother, but I see her dad do the same shit—so she definitely comes by it honestly, from both parents.  It’s actually pretty sad. BUT—not my problem anymore.

And I will be honest, this post is pretty much a Choney bash, but I am not innocent in the reasons this relationship didn’t work. I am selfish–I have worked too hard and too long to get what I have to just let someone else come in and mooch off my back.  I am also really hard to live with. I am moody and sarcastic and I tend to say what I think without a filter–and he doesn’t handle that well. I intimidate him pretty intensely. He has admitted that. And I suck at communication. I know that is weird since I tend to be a good writer, but in real life, my emotions get the best of me and I can’t communicate effectively for shit.  My expectations are too high and unfortunately for him, I haven’t figured out how to lower them. So he fails with me regardless.

In my defense, he brings out some really shitty part of me that nobody else has. I don’t know why I act like a total twat when it comes to him, but I do. I am mouthy and probably verbally abusive to him. I don’t have much respect for him and he lets me treat him however I want–which is usually shitty–just so he can take advantage of the things he needs from me.   And I let him. Because I felt guilty about my actions.  We are just not meant to be in each others lives.

I have seen him with others and he’s a totally different person with others; confident, chatty, friendly, funny, etc.  He’s not that way with me.  It makes me sad. Because he used to be that way with me….but 15 years make a huge difference.

A part of me will always love him. He was my first wholehearted, true love. But we had our time and now it is time to move on.

I do wish him well and I hope he finds whatever it is that keeps him on the straight and narrow and allows him to be the person and father and man I know is in there somewhere.   He deserves someone just like him–someone on his level who can grow with him and raise him up and vice versa.  Like my friend said–just because we have history, doesn’t mean we have a future. He is just starting school and I already graduated. We are just never going to be on the same page or level. Not that my level is any better or worse; they are just different.

Regardless, I wish him and his daughter the best. And I am going to get my peace back.

Thanks for listening.
As you were.

New Journey

I have decided to lose some weight. I’m going low carb. Two days in–not bad.  Not really missing anything yet…

We will see how that goes.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and if anyone has any good recipes they want to link me to, feel free!!  It will be mucho appreciated.

Thanks for listening.
As you were.

Best Weekend Ever.

In case you were wondering, this last weekend ROCKED.  On Friday, I was off work, so I went to lunch with some of my besties, Edy and Angela, and had a blast. We only  manage to get together every year or so..sometimes longer, so our lunch ended up being a few hours long. I am sure the staff hated us at that point.

On Saturday, my daughter invited me to lunch with her and her boyfriend and her best friend. We had Thai.  It was great.  Then we grabbed my other kiddos best friend and went to the new brewery by our casa.  We drank and played a game for a few hours. It was awesome! I love hanging with them!

Then…THEN… on Sunday, I got to hang out with my oldest and youngest sons and my oldest’s girlfriend. My oldest kiddo just got a jeep–he traded his racing car for it–and so we went off-roading and hill climbing.

I have injuries. But it was a freaking BLAST.

This is the first weekend in a long time that I got to hang with all my children outside of the house.

I want to do it again soon.

I heart them so.

And yes, you are hearing about this because I want to record it so someday I can re-read it and remember how much fun it was.

Oh and also, I am so fucking beyond grateful for the relationships I have with all three of my kids and all their friends.  It’s so different from how I grew up with my parents and I cannot imagine a better thing.

I mean, unless I won the lottery, then we could all have jeeps and brewery’s!!  Bonus.

Thanks for listening.

As you were.