So I was reading an article (I know, shocking) about BPD and the ways we self-sabotage. Going into it, I didn’t think this applied to me anymore. Ummmm… wrong. I still do it, even without realizing it. It makes me wonder if I have done it for so long now, its just an ingrained habit. If so, well, UGH.
“Self-sabotage is something most people experience at one point or another — particularly if mental illness makes you feel unworthy or undeserving of good things. But for many folks with borderline personality disorder (BPD), self-sabotage can often be at the forefront of their lives. Self-sabotaging is a fairly common habit of people with borderline personality disorder. When things are going well, my anxiety actually increases, because I’m afraid things will fall apart at any second. ” The Mighty.
So reading this article (you can click on the link above) kind of gave me an insight into my behavior a little bit more. Since I have stopped my counseling, I am hyper-aware of my behavior, but never realized that some things, like I said above, are just such a normal thing, I don’t even realize that they are a problem. Personally, I think I sabotage myself without even knowing it, mainly because I have felt for so long like I don’t deserve anything good in my life. Again, UGH.
So maybe this article will help me pay even that much more attention. Here are some of the things I strongly relate to.
1. Pick Fights With Loved Ones
Causing arguments by picking at every little negative thing even if its not worth my time. I don’t know if it makes me feel better to point out their issues, so I don’t have to deal with mine or what. I know after I do it though, I feel bad. So there’s that.
2. Push Loved Ones to Their “Limit” to See If They Will Stay
I purposely push at my boyfriend. He is the only one I do that with. I guess I want to see how far he will let me push him before he leaves. Testing his limits or boundaries. However, if he did leave, I would be devastated, so I honestly have no idea why I still do this. I just know I do. Though I do try to be more mindful of it…sometimes it just rears up and then I am annoyed that I couldn’t control it.
I do tend to overshare. I am learning to back off of that a bit. I have always thought of myself as an “open book”, though I do tend to keep quiet about some things. In the past, NOBODY knew I had BPD. I was so ashamed of it–I would rather them think I was a bitch than know I had a mental disorder that made me act really fucking stupid. But since I lost control of myself a few years back, and since I have gone to counseling, I am pretty open with that. Not to make other people feel sorry for me, but more to explain why I am the way I am.
4. Take on Everyone Else’s Problems
This one. UGH. I have always done that. I always “take care” of everyone else. Kids, boyfriends, friends, co-workers, whomever. It was always (sometimes still is) easier to deal with everyone else’s problems than my own.
5. Do Things to “Prove” Your Unworthiness
I don’t know if I do things to “prove” my unworthiness as much as I tend to talk down about myself. I am always self-depreciating and talking shit about what a bitch I am or a hardass or a whatever so I don’t have to deal with the emotion that comes from not being that way…….. So I feel like I talk more to “prove” my unworthiness rather than physically act.
6. Quit Your Job
I did this when I was younger. I don’t do it anymore. I now stay as long as physically and mentally possible. Go me!
7. Over-Apologize and Blame Yourself for Everything
Uhhh, so I HATE having to apologize. I hate it so fucking much. I have always tried not to do things where I have to apologize, but as I have gotten older and a bit more wiser in my life and my BPD, I realize there were way too many times I should have just swallowed (choked) on my pride and just said sorry. I can’t go back, but I have and am doing much better with that going forward. I am figuring out I won’t die if I am wrong once in a while……….though it still hurts.
I have always blamed myself though. Since as far back as I can remember, I have taken on all the burden for anything and everything that has gone wrong in my life. I internalize that shit like a mother fucker. However, I do not allow many people to see that I do that. I tend to shift that blame outside of myself to someone else, because its literally the only way I know how to cope with so much of the guilt. I cannot imagine this ever changing……..its one of those ingrained habits.
8. Binge Eat/Drinking/Drugs
I don’t binge eat. I never have. I am fat because I don’t get off my ass and don’t eat healthy food, not because I am a binge eater. I do tend to blindly eat when I am reading or watching television though. I do try to be mindful of that–doesn’t always happen.
I don’t drink anymore. Haven’t since I was in my early 20’s. Plus I don’t think that was binge drinking as much as just wanting to party all the time.
Drugs, now that is different. I don’t think I binged with them, I just think I liked them a lot and did them for 8 years…. But I have been sober now for 16 years……so that’s cool.
9. Hold in Emotions
I do tend to do this. At least until they explode out in a shower of bullshit on the person I have been holding those feelings in about. My shit never stays quiet for long. I am too aggressive of a person to keep my feelings and opinions to myself for long. Especially when I have no place to vent all that vile crap.
10. Cancel on Plans
I do this more because of my social anxiety rather than my BPD. I like being around my people when I let myself get there……….its just up to that point, my anxiety fucks with my head so bad, getting me there is a real challenge. For me and all my people. Thank GOD they still love me.
Isolating is my go-to behavior. I do it when I am anxious, angry, irritated, upset, sad, etc. It is the only way I have found to work through all my shit in the moment and not hurt someone else. I didn’t use to do this–and I have hurt many people in my life (especially my kids) because I just lashed out instead of being conscientious of my behavior. Thank GOD that has changed, but the guilt from not doing it previously is always there. Again, thank GOD they love me.
12. Get Into Relationships Too Fast
I have done this my whole life, almost. I finally stopped after I left Utah in 2002. I realized I was super co-dependent and I HATED how that made me feel knowing that. So I learned how to love being alone. Unfortunately, I tend to be an extremist, so I struggled being in relationships after that. I still do…. I miss the independence and not having to worry about how others will be affected by my decisions. But, life.
13. Overthink Situations
I don’t tend to overthink, but I tend to over-analyze with my friends. I talk it out and talk it out and then just get sick of talking about it. I then realize that the original decision or action was probably the best from the get go.
14. Reject Love From Others
I find it hard to feel worthy or accept other love from other poeple. When my boyfriend, family, kids, friends, whomever, hugs me, a voice inside my head constantly tells me I am not worthy of their love. I either cringe, pull away or avoid it altogether. I have to force myself to hug my people, even my children. It’s a bit ridiculous, because it’s not like I hate hugs. I actually don’t. But you wouldn’t know that about me, even if you know me. I just don’t feel like a hugger. It’s actually pretty fucking stupid.
15. Self-Harm or Act on Suicidal Thoughts
I do not self-harm anymore. I did in middle/high school. But when I stopped when I realized that someone might notice and lock me up, I stopped. Plus, my stepdad did enough harm to me without me doing it to myself.
Suicidal thoughts. I have these daily. I always have. I don’t voice them. They are mine. I would never act on them (I don’t think) because I have seen what suicide does to the people left behind. I would not want to hurt anyone like that. But you will hear me say stupid shit like “if that was me, I’d shoot myself in the head” or “Fuck that, I’d rather die” or “I hate this fucking life, I wish it would end” etc, etc, etc. But those are just me and my disorder venting. I know that suicide is not the answer for me……..nor will it ever be. I think.
16. Assume Others Think the Worst About You
I always do this………especially with my family. Probably only with my family actually. I assume I know exactly how they feel about me when my right mind knows that this isn’t true and in most situations I am just projecting how I feel about myself onto them. It makes it easier for me to deal with things, if that makes any sense at all. My real mind knows the truth, but my heart and emotions only listen to my BPD mind. Assholes.
17. Engage in Negative Self-Talk
This is the worst for me, aside from isolation. I do nothing but negative self talk. I have done this for as long as I can remember. I could literally line up the facts of the type of good person I am and still think I am a piece of shit. I feel like I have thought it for so long, I don’t know how to make it stay away. I can get it to hide once in a while, but it always, always comes back. Even through counseling and the tools I learned to counteract it don’t work like I wish they would. I will probably never not engage in this destructive behavior–but I do tend to remind myself that I am a good person.
What is worse, is that when other people tell me I am good person, I don’t believe them. I don’t know why, all the proof is there. Example, me and Choney were at my moms the other day and we were talking about something and the subject of me came around and my mom said “she always talks like she is tough, but her heart is huge. It always has been.” This made me tear up. Shit, its making me get all stupid emotional just writing it. I just wish that my brain would understand that truth. Because somewhere in me I know it’s true.
I couldn’t do the things I do in my life if it wasn’t. I couldn’t work with pregnant drug addicts if I didn’t have compassion, empathy and a huge heart. I couldn’t keep taking care of my boyfriend and his daughter is I didn’t have that either. I could go on for days.
Yet, I still don’t believe it. Soooo dumb.
Anyway, those are the things in that article that I relate to. It was pretty interesting to write this blog to see how much I do to myself without even realizing half of it.
Hopefully that means I will be more aware from here on out.
Peace, yo! Thanks for listening.