So that headline encompasses many things right now. First of all, I haven’t blogged in a while and I feel like I have been in withdrawal. I gave myself a goal this year; to blog at least once a month. I think I have already fucked that up….oops. Well, I guess I will just start over with this one.
Second, time. I thought that time was all I needed to get used to this new life I have, but it is taking SO MUCH TIME to happen.
If you follow my blog, then you know I graduated from counseling in March. It was a HUGE step for me. A huge, scary step, but one I had to do. It was becoming monotonous and it felt like all I did was just bitch about my life for an hour instead of learn new things. So it was time for a break. I will go back someday…just not for a while.
So much has happened this year already and its barely the halfway mark. There is that time thing again—sneaking up on me and kicking me square in the asshole. My youngest son graduated this year. He is 21. Its been a long, eventful, stressful few years. But it is official over and while I am beyond proud of him, I am also so sad. He is my baby and now he’s like an official adult and shit. It was not really real while he was still chugging through high school..but now, its really fucking real. My baby is grown. 😦
Fucking time. It just moves too damn fast. But then not fast enough.
Choney and Adrianna have been here 3 years in October. That time has been slower than molasses and faster than a speeding bullet. There has been so much stress and frustration and resentment. There has also been some great times and good memories made.
Adrianna is a completely different child now than she was when she first came here. She is still a serious pain in the ass with her sneakiness and manipulation and lying, but she has also learned how to be good. She has developed a great personality and she is funny and helpful and interesting when she wants to be. She still has a long way to go, but has also come so far.
Her dad has also grown up. His parenting skills are not as frustrating. He still can’t quite grasp the concept of consistency, but he is learning. He drives me up a wall and makes me super happy all at the same time. Most days I am frustrated as fuck with him, but at the end of the day, I cannot imagine life without him anymore. Time will tell as far as that goes…
We also have a new addition to our household—his son, Anthony. There is not much I can say about him at this point because I am still angry and bitter and resentful about having to take on another fucking child….. so I will just leave that there and move on.
I think the thing that pisses me off the most about all of this is that I raised my kids. They are all fantastic adults and now I feel like I am starting over with something I never wanted in the first place. I earned my adult freedom. Now, because I am stupid, I now have these three more people to raise all over, and honestly, I don’t fucking want to do it.
I want to be able to come and go as I please. I want to be able to sleep in without hearing kids fighting and screaming. I want to read my book without getting interrupted every five damn minutes. I want to go out and do things and not feel fucking guilty because I left everyone at home. I just want my silence back. I want my sanity back. I want my life back. This fucking life sucks.
At one point I had decided that maybe that is my mission in this life; to take care of everyone else. I do it at work every day. I now do it at home every day as well. Its all I do. Yet, nobody takes care of me…………….not even me.
Maybe it would be different if Choney had a job and contributed equally to this household? How do men stand it when their wives/girlfriends are stay at home parents? I cannot STAND having to pay for every damn thing. I cannot stand having to come home and bitch because the fucking house isn’t clean or dinner isn’t ready but you’ve been sitting in front of the television or on your phone for 8 hours doing dick. I can’t fucking stand that shit. I want an equal, not a fucking house bitch. So therein lies my problem.
I don’t want this shit in my life, but they have no place to go, so kicking them out just brings on massive guilt and even more resentment.
I have a fucking roommate with kids. There is nothing between me and Choney. No intimacy, no sex, no affection, no nothing. We just occupy the same household that I pay for.
What is the fucking point?
Maybe it will be better with time? Fuck time.