I Wish…

I am sorry. I know sometimes I am hard to deal with and I know sometimes I don’t make sense. I know you think I am acting childish and stupid and irrational and ridiculous but I need you to understand….that is not ME. That is my disorder rearing its ugly head. Do you not realize I KNOW how stupid and irrational and ridiculous and childish I am acting. Do you not understand how BAD it makes me feel about myself and my behavior? Do you realize how much worse it makes me feel to have you point it out and talk to me like I am doing it on purpose. Do you realize I have ABSOLUTELY no control over it?  Do you even care?

 

I hate that you judge me.

 

I get it. I judge me too. So much worse than you ever have or ever will. I hate that you think I am less than you think I should be. Trust me.. I know I am even less than that.

 

It is these reasons why I live my life berating myself every minute of every day. Reminding myself that I am the biggest piece of shit on the planet, never letting myself forget how much of a burden I am to those around me, never allowing myself to forget how worthless and useless I am in this world.

 

Trust me I know……because I spend most of my life,talking myself out of dying every single day.

 

I wish you understood. I wish you all understood what it is like to be me, what it is like to be inside my head, what it is like to not have any control of your thoughts and emotions and reactions. I wish you all understood how much chaos I live with inside my brain at all times—the anxiety, the fear, the guilt, the frustration, the fury, the hatred. I wish you could see for five minutes what my life is really like. I wish I had what it took inside me to tell you. I don’t. I never have and I never will. Because I do not want to be more of a burden than I already am.

Trust me when I tell you that nothing you will ever say or do will ever compare to the destruction I wreak upon myself every single day.

So go ahead and judge me. Tell me I am childish and I just need to calm down and chill out. If only it were that easy. If only my life was that simple. If only I really could. If only I had that power in me. God, what I would give for that kind of control in my life. You have no idea.

Nothing you can say will touch me. (except for it does)

All it does it push me closer to the edge……and  that edge gets closer every day.