I’m not going to kill her….

That’s my mantra these days.

She hit my dog.  And it’s not the first time,  I found out.

I’m not going to kill her…..

But I want to.

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To my Sister..

I understand you will never forgive me. I don’t blame you. I left you there–in that hell–and only focused on me, on getting out, on the freedom ahead.

You protected me there. As much as you could. I watched you fight back for me–when the fight wasn’t yours–and when I couldn’t fight back for myself.

You let me take it out on you. You let me punish you and never said anything. You knew my anger and frustration and dealt with it. You never told on me. Why? How come you loved me so much–so much more than I loved myself or anyone else. You should have hated me. Why didn’t you hate me? You should have hated me for everything I did to you.

I hated me.

I didn’t protect you like I should have. I tried. I tried to make everything about me, so you wouldn’t have to take the blame for anything–so he would leave you alone. I am sorry it didn’t always work. I am so, so sorry.

I was so angry all the time. You saved me more times than  you will ever realize–so often, so, so often I wanted to die.  Daily. But I couldn’t leave you. I couldn’t leave you to face all that alone…

I hated you.

But I loved you more than I would ever have admitted back then. I still do. I always will.

I thought you had what I wanted. Her approval. Her love. Her attention. You were her favorite. I wanted her to love me—but she didn’t. She loved you so much. I saw that. I envied that. I hated you for it. So I tortured you. I made your life as bad–if not worse–than they did. I couldn’t see past my own hurt and anger and jealousy. I couldn’t see that by hurting you, I was making it worse. I may have stopped him sometimes–but I turned around and hurt you in his place…

What type of person did that make me? I am sorry. So very, truly sorry.

I know I can never make it up to you. I know we will never have the relationship that we should have. That we could have. And I take full responsibility for that.

I understand you can never truly forgive me. I understand that. I don’t blame you. I never have and never will. I know I ruined what could have been…

I should have been there. Instead I left. When they kicked me out, I ran headfirst into freedom and never looked back. I tried to take you though–but you wouldn’t leave her. I am sorry I didn’t try harder. All I saw was my own escape–my own freedom from that hell–my way out. Finally.

I should’ve tried harder. I should have looked back….

I am sorry.

So, so sorry.

I love you.

And so it begins…

One of the biggest things I saw happening with this change is him allowing his daughter to do all the things I have not allowed her to do. Which means she will be out of control within a month or sooner. He has already started these things.

I was a strict mother. My kids were not allowed to have soda or junk food except on very rare occasions. I was probably a lot harder than most parents—but what happened because of this is three very good, healthy, well-behaved adults. Yeah, they do normal early adulthood stupid shit that we all do…but they have a great foundation of what is right and what is wrong. They have never been in trouble in a serious manner and they have respect for themselves and others. I maintain my belief that this came from the fact I made them accountable for all their actions and did not indulge their every whim.

My boyfriend on the other hand, feels bad for how his daughter had been raised up until she got to my house. He will never realize that his guilt in being a shitty parent has nothing to do with her and instead of allowing her to run him he needs to step up and be a good parent now. In the year that they have been here, I have showed him how to give his daughter boundaries and rules and teach her respect and not indulge all of her attention-seeking destructive behavior.

Now that we are where we are at, he is reverting back to the way he was before he came here–because he thought I was too hard on her. He thought not allowing her to have her way all the time was too hard. Which might have been true, but it has taught her some respect for others–though not for him. He gets no respect from her at all. She plays him like a toy. She is mean and thoughtless and downright cruel to her dad. I would not stand for that from her, so I become the bitch in the situation. Fair enough.

In the few days it has been since I told him he needs to move out, he has completely forgotten how to be a parent again. Instead, he feels like this move is going to hurt her, so he is becoming her friend again. Letting her do whatever she wants so she doesn’t “look at him like he is evil”. Those are his words. Literally. It is fucking ridiculous.

So she gets her way and in a few days has already become what I tried so hard to get out of her; a disrespectful, whiny, little brat that gets her way because her dad doesn’t want to be known as the “bad guy”. That was my job, remember.

So he will pay the price. And it makes me angry and sad all at the same time. That he is going to let her go back down the same path we took her off of  just because he feels bad about her situation. The one he put her in. Go figure.

Oh well—after they are gone, it is not my problem anymore, right?

The Journey Continues….

So it is day four of the break-up. We’ve talked since then and come to some truces and conclusions and some tentative resolutions. He has contacted a place that may let him live there… it is a religious thing, which I think will benefit him, that takes in homeless families. They only take in three to four at a time, and they happened to have an opening right now. Fate? I hope so. I hope this works out for him. I NEED this to work out for him. For us. For me. For them.

I completely feel we will destroy each other and our friendship and relationship if we continue to live under the same roof. I think it was too much too soon. I should have really though my decision through better—though I am not really known for thinking things out. I tend to jump now and think later. For the most part, it has worked in my life. This time, not so much.

I feel torn about this situation. On one hand, the thought of him being out of my life kills me. He gave me his ring back and it felt like my heart shattered. When I went out this week, all I could think is how much he would have enjoyed whatever I was doing. I went to the movies alone and missed him being there. Which was weird, because I love to go to the movies alone. I also went to a piano bar and while I thoroughly enjoyed myself, all I could think about was how much he would love it!! Him not being in my life hurts. I won’t lie. But I know this is for the best. He needs to grow up. And he is not going to do that while I am enabling him to do nothing in my house. I know this. I have known this for a while.

It just so happened that now I am doing something about it.

However, here is where my feelings conflict. I cannot wait to get back to my own life with my own responsibilities, and not having to answer to anyone again. That makes me super happy. And the fact that I won’t have to deal with his daughter on any level but being a friend is also a bonus. I love that little girl, I really do, but I am not ready to be a mom again. I raised my kids. I don’t want to be forced into raising someone else’s kid. It will be different when or if it is something I choose down the road. But just having them both thrust upon my life has been super hard…………….and it has made me very resentful of them. Especially the lack of contribution from his side.  Don’t get me wrong, he does get welfare for him and his daughter—$650 a month in cash and food stamps. And he does what he is supposed to do to keep it. However, he truly believes that that covers him and his daughter.

Here is where I struggle the most: 300 dollars in cash is barely enough money to cover their part of the rent and utilities. The other 359 in food stamps does do pretty well in keeping us all in food (mind you there are five of us living here). I do contribute to the food as well though. At least a hundred a month. However, I pay for everything else; phones, gas, car insurance, hygiene, toilet paper, dog food, cat food, turtle food, clothes, shoes, activites, etc. He contributes about 1/8th of what I do.  And then wants money in his pocket for beer or soda or candy or whatever. Ummmm. NO. I don’t get all those things because I am too busy paying for everything else for everybody else.

I am the only one working in my household of four adults and one child. It is very frustrating. And while it pisses me off that my kids are not working, it pisses me off more that my partner is not working to contribute more. Side note: he has filed for disability and is waiting on that. Been waiting on that for over a year.  So that is his reason for not getting a job. That reason gets damn old—especially since if he does get SSD, he will only get 700 a month. So ummm, yeah. Still not enough to be called my partner. He will get more when and if he gets custody of his daughter—-but guess who is paying for that? Me. Oh wait–guess who WAS paying for that?

Anyway, until they both become a blessing to my life and not a burden, things will never work out with us. I want a partner—not another child or two to take care of.

Oh and to top it off, we haven’t had sex in over 8 months. So really, all I have is a fucking roommate.

It has to change.  Period.

Let’s just wait and see what happens. Only time will tell here.  I will keep you posted.

Well then. That’s done.

So I broke up with my boyfriend today. In a very calm, very logical, very civilized manner……………..for the most part. I did it over email. I know, I know, that is probably not the best way to do it. However, I tend to be more rational and less emotional when I write, and that is what I was going for.  And it worked. On my part anyway. He, on the other hand, got a bit stupid and dramatic and childish. Which I guess was kind of to be expected. He got hurt. That sucks. And even though he thinks it came out of left field, it really didnt. It was coming for a long time now. I finally just hit the wall last night–if you read my previous post, you know of what I speak.

When I got home however, I got super emotional and super assholish. I tend to do that. Which is what I was trying not to do, hence the email. But since I am an emotional person, it was kind of bound to happen.

I wanted to talk to him. In person. To see how he was feeling and taking it and to establish some kind of something until he leaves so this isn’t even more miserable for everyone. I gave him until March 5th to get his plans made and be out. But until then, I don’t want to have to sit in my room while he sits in his daughters room avoiding each other. That seems really childish.

So I went in with guns blazing and came out defeated. I realized that while I KNOW in my heart that this is what HAS to happen, it really really hurts. Because at the end of the day, I love him. I truly do. But we are destroying each other. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like I have given so much and have gotten little in return. And whether that is the truth or not, it is still how I feel. And that has to stop.

I hate who I have become with him. I hate that I cannot love him or his daughter in the ways they want and need me to. I have tried. And I have been a failure. And now I just need to get this situation out of my life for my own sanity and his.

He doesn’t realize it yet, but this is really what is best for all of us. He needs to get some self-confidence about himself and his skills as a parent. He needs to know he can make this life into something that he is proud of and stop living under someone. I hope he will eventually appreciate it… but I have a feeling that lesson will be a long time coming for him. He is seriously hurt and angry right now.

So yeah…that happened. I hope someday he can forgive me for not being what he needed and wanted. And I hope even more that someday we can find the friendship we started with………..

Time will tell.

Are you FUCKING kidding me??

Ok seriously—ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW????  Sorry I had to vent here, but I am pretty sure my friends are sick of hearing me by now…so here goes.

So I guess I have a “secret life”. This is according to my boyfriend. A SECRET LIFE.  Are you fucking serious right now? My entire life consists of working and trying not to kill him and his daughter. I never do anything!!!  With anyone except him!!!  Ask all my friends who have been seriously neglected over the last couple years….

A secret life. Hmmm. I wonder what I do in my secret life? I wonder if its better than my real life? I sure as fuck hope so, because real life right now is pretty fucking shitty and frustrating and full of resentment.  So yeah…. a secret life might be nice.

You wonder where this comes from, do ya? Well let me tell you. First off, I am talking to one of my male friends (who I happened to date for a few months, but didn’t work out because we are both exactly the same stubborn, hard-headed, sarcastic, foul-mouthed people and all we did was butt heads) who I happen to be buying a car from. So I have been talking to him a bit more lately than I have in, say, five years or so…  So that pisses him off.

Second, I am finally on some medication that calms my BPD out so much I almost feel emotionally normal. I haven’t felt this good since my Zyprexa days.  So because of this, I don’t isolate myself. I miss my friends. So I have been spending time with them lately. In the last couple weeks, I have gone to dinner with one and to lunch and a movie with another…. So that pisses him off.

So because of this, my boyfriend thinks I am cheating on him. Again, I say, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW???

Here is my theory on why he thinks this. Yes, I have been going out a little bit more than I have, yes, I am talking to my ex about his truck that I am buying, and for the final reason, the fact that I haven’t been laid by my actual boyfriend in almost 8 months makes him super insecure and he’s probably a little jealous that he doesn’t have friends to go out with like I do.

So all that put together equals me being a cheater. Yeah, ok. Sure, pal. That’s cool.

Here is the kicker—HE IS NOT BEING FORCED AGAINST HIS WILL TO STAY IN MY HOUSE. I do not have him locked in a basement. I do not keep him drugged so he won’t leave. I do not have him tied up anywhere where he cannot escape.  And here’s the big one.  He’s a fucking adult and has his own free will and CHOICE to stay or go.

If you think I am cheating on you—there is the door, buddy! Don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out. Seriously.

Grow up. Be a fucking man for once instead of living off your girlfriend. Get a fucking job and a life and some fucking confidence about you.

Because me? I am not cheating. But you can bet your ass I am almost done with this bullshit he calls a “relationship”.