Getting stable is SUPER weird.

For the first time in my life, I feel as normal as I think normal feels. It is SUPER FUCKING WEIRD.  I haven’t had any type of explosive event in weeks. WEEKS! Which is brand new to me. I honestly cannot remember even going a day without losing it in some way–either emotionally breaking down or getting irrationally angry over something stupid–much less weeks with no issues.  Again, it is super weird.

Surreal actually. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep expecting myself to lose it or start bawling for no reason and when it doesn’t happen, it kind of freaks me out.  Especially when I get myself in situations that, in the past, I would react emotionally or irrationally. I just cannot explain how weird (really, this is the only word I can come up with to describe it) this is.

Talking about it to my counselor last night, I was trying to explain how I felt about it, how abnormal is is for me, how I was kind of skeptical about this new “normal” I am feeling and how I am just kind of waiting for the chaos to come back and bury me.  She explained to me that it is completely normal to feel like this, especially because this new stability is so foreign to my life, and that the reason I question it is because I am so used to the chaos ruling every aspect of my life.

As we continued talking, I questioned whether it was just the new medication making me feel this way and would all this come back if/when my meds stopped working again? But she pointed out that it wasn’t just the meds–though they are part of it–but it was also me, learning and gaining knowledge and USING what I am learning every single day.  As I sat there and thought about that, I realized how little I have ever given myself credit for things, even though I am the one doing the work.

That was a new revelation to me, the not giving myself credit—-because I am learning and I am listening and I am using all the tools that I have been presented with. On a daily basis. I have learned to stop and think about my reactions before I allow them to become a reality. I have learned to stop and think about my words and how they will affect me and others around me before I say them. I have learned to STOP—–before all hell breaks loose and I am left feeling guilty and wounded and stupid and embarrassed.

Which, again, makes this new stability SUPER FUCKING WEIRD.  But in a good way.

What is even more astounding to me is that as I learn and relearn how to be more in my wise mind rather than my emotional mind, is watching Choney learn me as well.  I guess I didn’t realize how reactive I was and how much he really did walk on eggshells around me. It is so enlightening to watch him not have to do that and realize that he can do and say what he needs to without worrying about me freaking out.  It makes me feel really good about myself. Which again, is super weird.

I have spent so much time and energy telling myself what a piece of shit I am, that when I step back and realize that I haven’t said that or even thought that to myself in weeks, I am amazed and proud and empowered. What is even better than that, when I do get down on myself, I realize what I am doing and put a stop to it immediately.  I remind myself that it is okay to be angry sometimes and it is okay to be upset or frustrated or irritated or agitated or sad. And I have learned to remove myself from the situation and think about why I am feeling that way and if I figure out it is legit, then I just sit with it and let it pass. Then I am good to go again. And Choney respects my need for space sometimes, even if he doesn’t understand it.

Can I just take a moment and remind myself how lucky I am and what a good fucking job I have been doing in getting myself to a point where I can control myself and my emotions and my words?

:::pats self on back:::

 

I Did a Thing…

So…as the title insinuates, I did a thing. That thing was letting Choney and his daughter move back into my house after three months of them being gone. I did this for a few reasons—-the main being that I love this man and I cannot stand to not have him in my life.

It took a while to decide to make this decision. I actually thought about all sides–inside, outside, upside, downside, etc,etc for quite a bit of time. I wrote down pros and cons. I talked to people I trust (mostly my therapist) and with my non-emotional mind I came to the conclusion that I liked my life much better with them in it than out of it. Even though we have had some pretty serious issues in the past.

I am ready, and willing, to let go of a lot of stuff that I was holding onto. Petty, stupid, insignificant, selfish shit. I decided it was time to dump my baggage and move forward.

So far, its working. Mostly. I am finding that some things are harder to let go of than others…. But I guess that is okay right? I mean, it will always be that way. I am conscientiously working on letting them go, so that is a good thing.  I am also very mindful of my behavior and attitude and words. I am learning to think before I speak and learning that when I speak, I can do so in a way that is not rude or condescending or too blunt. Because my boyfriend is a bit sensitive and tends to take things personally. So I have to be mindful of his feelings. I guess that is what relationships are about, huh?

We have worked out the financial aspect of our lives and that was a big issue previously. We are both good with our decision regarding that.

One of the biggest issues was me. I wanted him to be a man, yet I never allowed him to actually fulfill that role in my life. I am used to doing things on my own, in my own way, and on my own time. It was hard to let go of that control and allow another to be a part of my life that way. But I am doing pretty good.  So I allow him to make his own —decisions, I allow him to make his own mistakes—–all of this without condemning or judging him. It is new for me.

I was a really shitty person. I was mean and cruel and just an asshole. I would like to say it was because I was unmedicated and uncontrolled, but that is not all of the reason. It is part of it, sure, but at the end of the day, I just realized how much anger, bitterness and resentment I was holding onto from the past–both with him and with others. And seriously, what good did any of that do me?  I was so scared that he was going to leave me and whatnot, I ended up pushing him to do just the thing I was terrified of. THAT is definitely part of my disorder, but it is also my own ignorance.

I realize now that the only person I can control is me—-and I also realize because of my BPD, I will not always be able to control me. I can use my tools though. I am very conscious of my behavior now and I know when i need to take some time/space away from everyone.  Unfortunately, this is a hard concept for a child to grasp. She doesn’t understand why I want/need alone time. She has never had that in her life, so she doesn’t appreciate or get it. Such is life. I will just have to keep explaining it to her so she does eventually get it.

Regardless–I am doing better this time. I think. Sometimes I have to just shut my mouth and talk myself out of saying that sarcastic comment. That is hard. I have never censored or stopped myself from saying what is in my brain. But, again, I guess that is part of making a relationship work? Tact. Ugh.

Anyway, I just wanted to get all this out of my head–because tonight is not a great night for me. I am feeling super anxious and agitated. So I have gone to my room to read my book. And do a blog, obviously.

Thanks for listening.

 

 

 

Progress?

So I have officially been in counseling for 6 weeks, and on Prozac for almost three weeks. I feel better than I have in years…. Mostly.

Some days are rougher than others, but I think that will always happen. Other days I am just fine and nothing bugs me.

It has been over two weeks since I have had any type of outburst of any kind that was spurred by anger, irritation, agitation or even being overwhelmed.  It has been…………………………..weird. Sometimes I feel like maybe the Prozac has flat-lined me a bit……..yet I still feel emotion. Just not as intense or overwhelming or out of control like I used to.

What is even weirder is that my anxiety has lowered and I don’t feel ramped up all the time. Which is nice. Weird, but nice. I guess I get so used to be in such a high state of anxiety all the time, when it is not there, I almost feel empty.

I have to remind myself that not being so high-strung is a good thing. Especially because I am learning that I am more than my anger. Which, again, is weird. Because I have been my anger for so long.

I am also learning that when I do have anxiety—-because it never actually goes away for good—-that I can take myself out of a situation and just sit with it until it settles down. Even if I cannot take myself out of the situation, I still do really well with talking myself down.

Seriously, I think I have more conversations with myself than anyone else. I am so focused on letting shit go that isn’t important and telling myself at least a hundred times a day that “it isn’t that serious”, that I forget there is other people around me…

But, for real, I haven’t felt this in control of myself in forever…. if ever, actually.

My therapist calls it my “wise mind”. I cannot imagine that I am that wise—but it is certainly a much calmer state than I have been in for a while. When I am out of control, she calls that my “emotional mind”.  I have always thrived there, so this wise mind thing is brand new territory for me. And I  won’t lie, its a bit intimidating and scary.

But I have to make my life  better. I have to control myself and allow myself to live in a non-judgmental brain. The negative self-talk fucks me up. In every aspect of my life. Don’t get me wrong–it is still there, lurking, ready to come out and tell me what a piece of shit I am—but I am getting super good at arguing with it and reminding myself that I am a good person that makes mistakes sometimes. I am actually starting to believe it some days too. Bonus.

Anyway, I just thought I would update. I always feel like I have nothing to say when there is no chaos in my head.  Which is probably really untrue…. but it is what it is all the same.

For now, I will keep working on my DBT skills and learning more about how “normal” functions.  I will try to keep you posted.