For the first time in my life, I feel as normal as I think normal feels. It is SUPER FUCKING WEIRD. I haven’t had any type of explosive event in weeks. WEEKS! Which is brand new to me. I honestly cannot remember even going a day without losing it in some way–either emotionally breaking down or getting irrationally angry over something stupid–much less weeks with no issues. Again, it is super weird.
Surreal actually. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep expecting myself to lose it or start bawling for no reason and when it doesn’t happen, it kind of freaks me out. Especially when I get myself in situations that, in the past, I would react emotionally or irrationally. I just cannot explain how weird (really, this is the only word I can come up with to describe it) this is.
Talking about it to my counselor last night, I was trying to explain how I felt about it, how abnormal is is for me, how I was kind of skeptical about this new “normal” I am feeling and how I am just kind of waiting for the chaos to come back and bury me. She explained to me that it is completely normal to feel like this, especially because this new stability is so foreign to my life, and that the reason I question it is because I am so used to the chaos ruling every aspect of my life.
As we continued talking, I questioned whether it was just the new medication making me feel this way and would all this come back if/when my meds stopped working again? But she pointed out that it wasn’t just the meds–though they are part of it–but it was also me, learning and gaining knowledge and USING what I am learning every single day. As I sat there and thought about that, I realized how little I have ever given myself credit for things, even though I am the one doing the work.
That was a new revelation to me, the not giving myself credit—-because I am learning and I am listening and I am using all the tools that I have been presented with. On a daily basis. I have learned to stop and think about my reactions before I allow them to become a reality. I have learned to stop and think about my words and how they will affect me and others around me before I say them. I have learned to STOP—–before all hell breaks loose and I am left feeling guilty and wounded and stupid and embarrassed.
Which, again, makes this new stability SUPER FUCKING WEIRD. But in a good way.
What is even more astounding to me is that as I learn and relearn how to be more in my wise mind rather than my emotional mind, is watching Choney learn me as well. I guess I didn’t realize how reactive I was and how much he really did walk on eggshells around me. It is so enlightening to watch him not have to do that and realize that he can do and say what he needs to without worrying about me freaking out. It makes me feel really good about myself. Which again, is super weird.
I have spent so much time and energy telling myself what a piece of shit I am, that when I step back and realize that I haven’t said that or even thought that to myself in weeks, I am amazed and proud and empowered. What is even better than that, when I do get down on myself, I realize what I am doing and put a stop to it immediately. I remind myself that it is okay to be angry sometimes and it is okay to be upset or frustrated or irritated or agitated or sad. And I have learned to remove myself from the situation and think about why I am feeling that way and if I figure out it is legit, then I just sit with it and let it pass. Then I am good to go again. And Choney respects my need for space sometimes, even if he doesn’t understand it.
Can I just take a moment and remind myself how lucky I am and what a good fucking job I have been doing in getting myself to a point where I can control myself and my emotions and my words?
:::pats self on back:::