He does what???!!!!!!

Is it weird that my dog snores just like me??????

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I actually LOL’d. Yes, I may be going to hell….

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Now you know why.  I saw this while I was driving the other day on the back of someone’s car. I literally burst out in laughter. I don’t often laugh out loud at bumper stickers, usually they just make me wonder why people do it…but this one? It tickled my funny bone. Even after I had left the region of the car, I kept on chuckling here and there. 

Yes, I know this will offend some people. I am sorry for it. Kind of. A little. 

This could actually be used for most religions, in my opinion. And it will make me laugh with every word that replaces Mormon. I am not a real religious person. I say thank god often, but more because its a habit, rather than because I actually believe there is one God. I think each person forms their own thoughts and opinions on that…and more power to them. But I haven’t quite figured out what I do or do not believe in wholly. Except for religion. I think religion is a an excuse/justification for a persons hypocrisy. But again, if it makes you happy, embrace it. Just let me laugh at the bumper stickers or sayings that talk shit about it…..because that is what I embrace.

OK, this is really not where I meant to go with this blog…and why I felt the need to put that last paragraph out there, I don’t know…but it is what it is.  Maybe I was compelled. (picture an Austin powers movie line here—the power of christ compels me)

Okay, that is all. Back to your regularly scheduled living.

She will do great things…..

 

So I have been writing a lot of seriousish and depressingish things lately. I have been so focused on the shittiness that my brain is dishing out, I have decided to take a minute and share a story that is near and dear to me.

As most of you know, I had a serious problem with drugs and whatnot in my 20’s. Because of my meth use, I almost killed my daughter. I don’t usually like to talk about that, because the guilt is almost overwhelming, but this is part of my healing,  and this is an amazing story.

Get your tissues. I will wait.

Ready? Okay!  (I seriously just felt like a cheerleader there)

Sooooo……..my daughter was born at 24 weeks. She weighed in at 2lbs 11 oz. She was 17 inches long.

While my daughter was in the NICU, she would not breathe on her own. She was healthy in every other way, besides a slight heart murmur, except for the breathing. They had no reason why she wouldn’t do it. I guess her will to live was not that great.

While she was there, my mom’s aunt, my great aunt, my daughters great, great aunt, was in a nursing home. My mom would visit with her all the time and tell her all about Samantha and how she was doing. My aunt loved to hear about her.

One time when my mom was visiting my aunt, she was not doing that well, and told my mom “I have to go soon, another needs my place”. My mom just dismissed this as part of her dementia. She never really thought about it after that.

A few days after that, I got a call in the middle of the night from the NICU nurse who told me that they had taken my daughter off the respirator again (they did this at least once a day). I was prepared for the worst. I knew she had no desire to breathe on her own, so I my chest seized as I assumed they were about to tell me she was gone. However, they told me that had removed the respirator around 2 am, and it was now 4 am or so and she had been breathing on her own the whole time.  I was estatic!  I got up, got dressed, got my son ready and we headed up to the hospital. A quick stop at my moms to drop off the boy and off I went to see my daughter. For the first time since she had been born, I got to hold my daughter without a breathing apparatus attached to her. It was amazing. My son and my mom came a few hours later and they got to hold her too. She was still breathing all by herself. I was thrilled.

Later that day, my mom went to visit her aunt to tell her the good news. When she got to the nursing home, the nurses informed her that she had passed away in the night. My mom didn’t think anything of it at the time until a nurse told her that her aunt kept telling her she had to go now. My mom found out that my aunt had died a little before 2am………

 Less than a half hour later, my daughter started breathing on her own. And has never stopped.

My great aunt left this world and passed her spot onto my daughter. To this day, I cannot tell this story without crying. She watched over my daughter at that moment—she gave her life. And my daughter has a guardian angel for life. There is nothing that I would ever be able to say to express my gratitude. Though I think she knows.

When my daughter was brought home, she was still on a heart and breathing monitor. So we had to be really careful with her. She was so tiny. She weighed 4lbs 10 oz when she came home. My oldest was the greatest big brother. If the monitor went off, he would absentmindedly reach over and give her a little shake to jar her into taking a breath. It didn’t even faze him. He loved her.

From that time on, for the next couple years, she slept in a crib because she was so tiny it was just convenient. Every day, after her nap, I would go in her room and just watch her laughing and talking to something or someone only she could see. She would be focused on the wall next to her bed, just babbling away, waving her hands, smiling up a storm. To this day, I know she was talking to my aunt. Eventually she stopped talking to her like that, but I know she is still with her. My daughter has thrived. By the time she was five, she was in the normal range for her age. And all traces of her prematurity were gone. Even her heart murmur righted itself. Nobody has ever been ever to hear it since then. And she has never had a single health issue again.

My daughter is meant for great things………just ask her guardian angel!

The ABC’s of BPD

So I have been reading a lot of books and articles about BPD. The main thing I am taking from all that is that I need to be fully aware of it every single minute. This way it stays in my conscience brain and doesn’t come out to play when I least expect it. Another thing I learned is that I have to forgive myself when I screw up–and I will. I also learned that writing everything down is essential to getting and keeping control. I have to learn my triggers and learn how to positively self-talk. Positive self-talk is going to be a hard one for me. So one of the things I am doing is writing poetry–which helps me remember that I am creative, which makes me feel good about myself. Another is what you see below. I don’t know if it is an actual thing I am supposed to do, but I read it somewhere that everything you write about this illness, will help keep it in the forefront of your mind….and with knowing, comes change and healing. So here you go. I just thought of this tonight and literally dictated it to my phone while driving to work…. man that is handy as hell!   Enjoy!                

 

A is for asinine—which is how I feel about denying my issues for so long.

B is for beautiful—which is how I feel when I’m not convinced I am worthless.

C is for crazy—which I have been for years.

D is disillusioned—which I am because I was denying my issues for so long.

E is for educated—which I am getting from all the books and articles I am reading.

F is for famished—which I am, because I am now hungry for growth.

G is for growing—which I plan on doing from this day forward.

H is for holy shit this is hard—which is exactly right, holy shit this is hard.

I is for impulsive—which is what I have been with everything in my life.

J is for jackass—which I am because I have ignored this for so long

K is for kicking ass—which I plan on doing with this disease.

L is for losing it—which is what prompted me to seek answers and help.

M is for mighty—which is what I am feeling now that I know what I have.

N is for nothing—which is what is going to stop me.

O is out of control—which is what I will NOT be when I get under control.

P is for pathetic—which is how I have felt for so long.

Q is for quagmire—which is what I have found myself in and need to get out of.

R is for rational—which I am absolutely not, but will hopefully be someday.

S is for scared—which I am, having to change my life and person completely around.

T is for trying—which is all I can keep doing, daily.

U is for unanimous—which is what everyone is that thinks I need help.

V is for victorious—which is what I will eventually be when I have this under control

W is for work—which I have to do a whole lot of to control this disease.

X is for eXact—which I cannot find for the letter x, so this is what you get.

Y is for yakking—which is my self-talk , which needs to improve.

Z is for zoo—which is what it feels like inside my head sometimes.

 

I’d rather be fishing…..

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This morning my grandpa passed away. He spent 96 glorious years on this planet. He was an amazing man. He always had a smile and a hug for everyone. You always knew where you stood with my gramps. He was one of the most positive people I’ve ever known. He could do or build anything with his hands. His woodworking skills were beyond description. He also loved to fish.

While I am sad at his passing, I’m also grateful. He’s had a rough few years. My grandma passed away a few years ago and I’m so glad he’s finally able to join her. I know she’s been waiting. They were married an inspiring 60+ years. They knew each other’s every move and thought and feeling without ever speaking a word. They had a relationship one can only dream of. The respect and love they had for each other was astounding.

Goodbye grandpa Bob. You will be missed tremendously, but I’m comforted to know that now I have another angel on my side…..

Happy fishing-catch a big one! And give grandma a hug for us!

I love you too the moon!!!!

I’m a Poet…..again.

 

When I was a teenager, one of the things I did was write poetry. I wrote about whatever my mood was at that moment or whatever struck my fancy that day. It helped me cope.

Lately, I’ve been doing the same thing. Except now, instead of sitting down and coming up with something, all this stuff just pops in my head at random and I have to get it down on paper lest I forget. Good thing I have a voice recorder on my phone. I never know when the mood will strike.

Yesterday it struck thrice. (Hush, I’ve been reading Shakespeare) All three poems I wrote were about different things, but kind of had the same flow. It was interesting, too say the least. I didn’t even have to think about them, they just kind of happened. Two I put in my phone, one I recorded on my phone while I was driving.

I guess sometimes I have too much time to think…….

And yes,I will share them with you at some point. Pinky swear.