It’s not ALWAYS my illness…..

Seriously….It is not always my illness that makes me act the way I do. Sometimes, it really is just me. This seems to be such a hard concept for some to grasp.

I wrote a blog, aka rant, a while back about how I was so sick and tired of being this way, and how it was so hard to tell someone new about my disorder and blah, blah, blah. Go read it here if you can’t remember it! 🙂

Anyhow, I decided to go with the whole “honesty is the best policy” thing with new folks, that way I feel like they have all the information so they can better make a decision regarding getting involved with me. I know not many people are strong enough to handle me and my personality, much less me, my personality AND my illness. I get this. I really do. I can barely handle it some days, why in the hell would I expect someone else to be able to cope? So I tell people. I don’t get into specifics. I figure they can look it up if they are really interested. I am a borderline personality, not a fucking encyclopedia. Do your own research. If you have questions, ask me. I will answer them in the sense of how they relate to me and my brain.. (or lack thereof).

There are parts of the borderline personality disorder definition that do not fit my situation. And being a borderline  DEFINITELY does not fucking define me. I am who I am…..not all good, and not all bad.

Here is the problem I have with being very upfront about having a mental disorder of this type. I am a girl.  Yes, that is my problem. Sound’s pretty fucking stupid right?  Well it is.  They are cool with it because they don’t know much about it.  But what they don’t realize is that I am NOT my disorder and when that is what they are thinking about, everything stems from that. I don’t understand. 😦

So, they get to know me, things are good, and all of a sudden they witness one of my cycles. Something stupid triggered me, maybe I am tired, maybe I am feeling a bit off, whatever. They witness my cycle of rage, then frustration, then remorse, then tears, then done.   OK. That was embarrassing. Do you have any questions? No? OK then, where were we?

No biggie, right?  WRONG!  Now, every time I do ANYTHING remotely crazy like, or have any weird emotional moments,  they assume that it is my disorder. Yeah..umm NO. WTF, man?

I do have a fucking normal personality outside of my disorder you know. Like everything I do, say and get pissed at is not my disorder rearing its ugly head. But because I told them about it, that is what they assume.

Come on people, I am a girl. And a human.  And as humans (and girls) we get stupid and emotional and frustrated and happy and silly and goofy and angry and whatnot.  Not all of it is my disorder. What they don’t understand, and maybe what I don’t know how to convey,  is that the normal emotional gamut is just me being me. It’s when the irrationality comes along with it that it is my disorder reigning supreme.  I don’t feel like that is that hard to understand. It is obvious when I am manic or when I am depressed or when I am furious. My disorder makes those regular emotions GIGANTIC.

It drives me bat shit crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!   <—- see there? That is just me being annoyed…not me being borderline.

I don’t know how to fix that. So I think I will go back to the non-disclosure act, and not tell them until they know me well enough to know what is what and who I am without thinking about the disorder.

UGH!  Can I just get a fucking cookie?

Happy, Happy, Happy……….I think.

I feel like I should make a new post, yet I don’t really feel like I have much to say these days. After saying that though, this blog should end up pretty long…haha. Usually once I start typing, things just start flowing.  I am a binge writer I think. I am sure I will bust out two or three more blogs here in the next day or two, then go silent for a few weeks as usual.

I guess I will just post an update instead.

Things have been going well regarding my mental health state. I had started with a new therapist and doctor, but that didn’t work out since I couldn’t really afford the $75 a week co-payments. It is not even funny how much this shit costs. And I am kind of caught in a catch 22. I made too much money to qualify for low income payments, yet not enough to pay the regular co-pays that are required. Go figure. I just think it shouldn’t be this hard.

Regardless, the one time I did see them, they put me back on Prozac. Which I love. I have always loved Prozac. Is that weird? To love a medication? Oh well….it’s the one that always worked the best for me. I remember actually when it first came out, it caused such strange and suicidal side effects. I was fascinated. And wanted on it immediately because of the good it did do for mood swings. I convinced my psychologist to put me on it with the promise that if I started having suicidal thoughts or strange behavior, I would tell her immediately. Luckily for us both, it turned out to be my miracle drug. Seriously. It is the one medication that has always been able to control my mood swings for the most part with no side effects and no zombie like numbing of all my emotions.

My ideal medication is one that keeps my moods regulated while still allowing me to feel things. If that makes any sense. To the borderlines out there, this will be perfectly clear. As for the rest of you, let me try to explain a bit.

Being a borderline personality, my main issue is that my emotions control every single aspect of my life. Normal situations become incredibly stressful. I don’t know how to have a normal reaction to every day stress.   Molehills become mountains, whether or not the situation warrants it. Usually it doesn’t. I don’t just get pissed off…I get furious. Unnaturally furious. If I was a werewolf and transformed when I was upset or angry….I would never be my human self. Ever. Because I don’t know how to react like a normal person with normal emotions. EVERYTHING is blown out of proportion by my brain.  If I am happy, I am ecstatic. If I am sad, I am depressed to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I either love you with all of me or I have no feeling.  It’s just how I have always been. It is exhausting, honestly. And if there was a way to just make it stop, I would gladly take it.  Unfortunately, there is not. All I can do it learn to control it and try to regulate it with mood stabilization medications. Which brings me back to my ideal medication.

I want to feel all the emotions that “normal” people feel. I want to be happy, sad, angry, etc……….without it being an epic emotion.  I want to be able to have a conversation about my issues without bursting into tears because I am embarrassed or ashamed or confused or whatever that conversation may turn my emotional state into. I want to feel like a normal person feels. Whatever that may be.  Prozac makes me “normal”.  Or as normal as I can get. I love it. Prozac is my ideal medication.  It doesn’t take away everything. It leaves me with some feeling, but not enough to fly off the handle for no reason. It makes me a very pleasant person to be around. It brings back my social skills and helps me to not isolate so much. I heart it so…

So lately that is my life. My dogs are under control for the most part (hope I didn’t just jinx that), my kids are good, I am slowly working my way back into society. I actually went out twice last week. WEIRD.  In public even. To a comedy show and a concert. I am very proud. Even though it was a bit uncomfortable, I enjoyed myself immensely. This is a good step for me.  Starting a new job here soon, with strangers, is also good for me. I forces me to interact with others on a daily basis, which is really helpful for my psyche.  I have missed that with work. My last two jobs have been kind of isolating…  As much as I hate people, I always love to work with them. Grown up talk stimulates me. Talking to my dogs and kids doesn’t always give me what I need.  Especially my dogs. They are great listeners, but not much feedback. I thrive on feedback.

Anyway…I will talk to you next time. Thanks for listening. I hope all is well in your world!

Ron