Seriously….It is not always my illness that makes me act the way I do. Sometimes, it really is just me. This seems to be such a hard concept for some to grasp.
I wrote a blog, aka rant, a while back about how I was so sick and tired of being this way, and how it was so hard to tell someone new about my disorder and blah, blah, blah. Go read it here if you can’t remember it! 🙂
Anyhow, I decided to go with the whole “honesty is the best policy” thing with new folks, that way I feel like they have all the information so they can better make a decision regarding getting involved with me. I know not many people are strong enough to handle me and my personality, much less me, my personality AND my illness. I get this. I really do. I can barely handle it some days, why in the hell would I expect someone else to be able to cope? So I tell people. I don’t get into specifics. I figure they can look it up if they are really interested. I am a borderline personality, not a fucking encyclopedia. Do your own research. If you have questions, ask me. I will answer them in the sense of how they relate to me and my brain.. (or lack thereof).
There are parts of the borderline personality disorder definition that do not fit my situation. And being a borderline DEFINITELY does not fucking define me. I am who I am…..not all good, and not all bad.
Here is the problem I have with being very upfront about having a mental disorder of this type. I am a girl. Yes, that is my problem. Sound’s pretty fucking stupid right? Well it is. They are cool with it because they don’t know much about it. But what they don’t realize is that I am NOT my disorder and when that is what they are thinking about, everything stems from that. I don’t understand. 😦
So, they get to know me, things are good, and all of a sudden they witness one of my cycles. Something stupid triggered me, maybe I am tired, maybe I am feeling a bit off, whatever. They witness my cycle of rage, then frustration, then remorse, then tears, then done. OK. That was embarrassing. Do you have any questions? No? OK then, where were we?
No biggie, right? WRONG! Now, every time I do ANYTHING remotely crazy like, or have any weird emotional moments, they assume that it is my disorder. Yeah..umm NO. WTF, man?
I do have a fucking normal personality outside of my disorder you know. Like everything I do, say and get pissed at is not my disorder rearing its ugly head. But because I told them about it, that is what they assume.
Come on people, I am a girl. And a human. And as humans (and girls) we get stupid and emotional and frustrated and happy and silly and goofy and angry and whatnot. Not all of it is my disorder. What they don’t understand, and maybe what I don’t know how to convey, is that the normal emotional gamut is just me being me. It’s when the irrationality comes along with it that it is my disorder reigning supreme. I don’t feel like that is that hard to understand. It is obvious when I am manic or when I am depressed or when I am furious. My disorder makes those regular emotions GIGANTIC.
It drives me bat shit crazy!!!!!!!!!!!! <—- see there? That is just me being annoyed…not me being borderline.
I don’t know how to fix that. So I think I will go back to the non-disclosure act, and not tell them until they know me well enough to know what is what and who I am without thinking about the disorder.
UGH! Can I just get a fucking cookie?