Mother. Such a small word, yet encompasses more than I could ever write here.
As most of you know, from reading my earlier posts, I haven’t had a relationship with my mom who birthed me for years. This last year, I decided to give up the crap I’d been holding onto and see if I could make something work with her.
I did good. We now have an amazing relationship actually. We (gasp) talk about things. I know, right!!!! It is good. I am grateful. We have both grown so much. She is now in my inner circle.
Things are looking up. I will keep you posted.
There are days that go by when nothing is on my mind except you. Some days I miss you so much I cannot hold back the emotion. Other days go by and I realize I haven’t thought of you in weeks. Its a weird realization that because you are gone I don’t laugh as much, I don’t have much to talk about, and I don’t really see anyone like I used to. I have become socially inept even moreso than normal. I don’t attribute these things to losing you, it just is what it is. Things I notice because I have so much more time alone than I did before.
Despite these things, I don’t blame you for leaving me. I was a miserable person back then. I had my head so far up my ass, all I could see was darkness. There was more misery in my life than I’d like to admit. You were the one bright spot. I wish I could have made that clearer to you. You are the one that kept me afloat. I know that should not have been your job. That is too much pressure for any one person to handle. I am sorry I became such a burden on you…on us. I regret that more than anything.
In that respect, I suppose I need to say thank you. In leaving, you forced me to look at my life and my self and realize what type of person I was becoming and how much I was allowing myself to be dragged down into something I had no control over. I was becoming someone I couldn’t respect, like or tolerate. Why I ever expected anyone else to respect, like or tolerate me is still beyond my reasoning. But such is life. You taught me a lesson by leaving. I will forever be grateful for that lesson. And I really don’t think I would have learned it any other way. So I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. The heart that is finally healed and right again. The heart that still misses you, even though I know we could never go back.
So…………..today I took my youngest son, who turned 18 in October by the way, to get his ID card. I think this officially makes him an adult. I am not sure how I feel about that. I had a really hard time with him turning 18–I was emotional for days. Its hard having your youngest turn into a legal adult.
When my kids were little, I always thought I couldn’t wait to for them to be 18 and be on their own and have jobs and lives outside of me. Boy, was I wrong. I can wait. I want to wait some more. Seriously. It’s hard to let them go. Especially because I have such good relationships with them, I love having them around. I do like my alone time, don’t get me wrong, but I am not quite sure I want more alone time than kid time. My kids rock.
My oldest son (who just turned 24 today–Happy Birthday Skyler!) always teases me about my youngest living with me forever…. I think I would be okay with that for a while, but don’t tell my oldest…lol.
I guess its just that empty nest thing I’ve always heard about……..and getting my youngest son his official, legal, adult ID just made that hit too close to home.
Ugh. Parenting….. can’t live with em, don’t want to live without em!