Don’t worry….Be happy.

Like this guy here!!!


Happy Hump Day!


Adventures in Las Vegas…….

Well, I am back home from my Las Vegas adventure. I went there to celebrate my Grandpa Bob’s life. He passed away about a month ago, and this weekend was his burial and life celebration. It was also a chance to catch up with my family!  I had the intentions of catching up with some friends, but I was so busy with family stuff, I just didn’t have enough time. Unless you count my one friend who wanted tortillas from New Mexico and met me in the parking garage of my hotel to pick them up. That was a lovely five minute visit. And her tortillas ended up being moldy!!  WTF??!!!  Eh, she is coming to NM here soon. We will eat tortilla’s and be merry then!!

So we left on Friday morning as soon as I got off work. My plan was to sleep while my daughter drove, since I had worked the night before. This really did not work out so well. There was no sleeping. I was a bit paranoid. My daughter is a fantastic driver…however, she is not so good with the directions. Unless she is a passenger.  So we got a little turned around in a random town on the way, but found our way to Vegas eventually.

A little back story–I left Vegas in 1986, and besides my random drug runs and occasion visits to my sister when she lived there  (ok, it was really only once I think), I have not been back until 2002 for her wedding. And even then, I was pretty caught up in wedding stuff to really pay much attention. I went back again in 2006 or so for a work conference and was very sad that it was so built up and spread out that I didn’t recognize most of it. Because it was a work conference, I didn’t really leave the hotel area anyway. My friend/co-worker did manage to walk the strip one night–until I took a tumble and tore my knee to shreds. That was quite an adventure!!!

So coming back now, was a bit daunting, and a lot sad. It made me very nostalgic–I wanted to cruise by my old houses. However, I have no freakin’ idea how to find them anymore because there is so much SHIT–houses and businesses and such. So that sucked.

On the first day, the fam had planned a dinner at my aunts house–so we headed there. However, for whatever reason, I was so turned around. I didn’t know east from west or north from south. It was ridiculous!!!  Everywhere we went, I got us lost or turned around or way confused.   Mind you, I HATE, HATE, HATE being late. It gives me severe anxiety, and the fact that I was late to EVERY SINGLE THING THAT WAS PLANNED was ridiculous.  And caused me great grief–which in turn caused my daughter great stress.  We did manage to make it every place, but not on time. Not even once.  And usually we were the first ones to leave and head that way. Oy.

Oh wait—I am lying. We did make it to ONE place on time. Early even. In fact, we were ten minutes early and everyone else was over an hour late, except my sister. I would have almost rather been late….lol.

On Saturday, my daughter and I slept in a bit then went bumming around town. We don’t have an In n’ Out burger here where I Live, so we did get that for lunch. It was great. We also stopped at random places that interested us. Just me and her for a few hours. It was great! We had a lot of fun!

So we walked on the strip on Saturday night. Saw stuff, enjoyed being a tourist of sorts. We really wanted to see the pirate ship show at Treasure Island…so we all headed down there. When we got there, it was closed. Sad.  So we headed back to our original meeting place and went home. It was about midnight anyway….

On Sunday, we went to celebrate my grandpa’s life at my step-grandpa’s clubhouse. It was nice–barring the fact I was 30 damn minutes late!!!!   Everyone talked about how amazing my grandparents were and their different memories of them. It was nice.

On Sunday night, we all (29 of us) met at the Excalibur hotel to go to dinner at “Dicks Last Resort”. If you have never been here, you need to go. It is a blast!!!  The whole premise of the restaurant is to be insulted by the waitstaff. They talk a lot of shit. They also make you hats with stuff written on them. The stuff is not so nice–or clean. But it’s damn funny.  We all got hats, even the little kids! And some dude made my cousins son a balloon scooby doo with a pile of poop behind him. It was totally cool!!!

Some of the hats had the following sayings on them:

  1. My dad–  Its my birthday week and my friends think I’m straight.
  2. My bro in law– Broke back mountain changed my life.
  3. My aunt J– My pubes are not as colorful  (her hair is…lol)
  4. My step-mom– I still rock a 70’s bush.
  5. My sister– My vibrator chips my teeth!
  6. My daughter–my twilight panties have skid marks
  7. Mine– Takes more loads in the rear than Fed ex
  8. My cousin–So loose I whistle when I walk.
  9. Another cousin– Sheep fear me
  10. Another cousin– My son is the reason I drink
  11. Another cousin– Playboy playmate 1985
  12. Another cousin–I miss prison sex.
  13. Another cousin– I go down faster than the titanic
  14. My aunt C- I knit for sex.
  15. My uncle P– I need a new sweater.
  16. My dads cousin– dry as the Sahara desert (she is in her 60’s)
  17. Cousins son– what does adopted mean?
  18. Other cousins son– I get more chicks than my dad
  19. Other cousin–ex stripper
  20. Other cousin–Future hooters waitress
  21. Other cousin–what happens in my ass stays in my ass
  22. Other cousin–I went to high school with Moses


And those are all I can remember right now…. There were more.

Anyway–it was a blast!!  And they had the best fried catfish I’ve ever had in my life!!!!  I also had a 46 oz boot filled with some alcoholic grape drink slush stuff. I drank half of it and was pretty wasted. Enough so that I couldn’t drive after that… Oops.

Then we drove home. And I slept all day Monday.

It was a good trip. A bit awkward here and there, but a lot of fun. I LOVE hanging with my sister and my family. I do wish me and my sister would have gotten some time to hang out with just the two of us though….

Anyway–I hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend!

I will do my trip in pictures as soon as I get them all  from everyone and downloaded to my computer!!!



Untitled…………for your pleasure!


Okay, not really for your pleasure. Mostly because I couldn’t think of a title for this that wasn’t cheesy or that would give my post away… And that title seriously sounds like an advertisement for a condom. I like it.

I am all about the mystery today. I don’t know why. It’s just something I feel like doing. Okay, that may be an excuse. What I am really here for today is to apologize to everyone–especially all my fellow bloggers.

I have been so utterly neglectful. When I first started this blogging adventure, I read everything on my reader every day…but lately, I am just so tired. Brain tired. The last month and a half or so have been such a roller coaster of emotional fuckery that I just don’t have the energy to read—or write—much anymore. It’s all I can do to get through each day without some sort of meltdown.

I was actually sitting on my chair today after I got up, and just watching my dogs and the outside through my screen door, whcn I realized how negligent I have been about my blogging…and my reading of blogs. It made me feel bad. But I know you all understand that sometimes other things are a bit more pressing. I thank you for that understanding. I really, really do. I also thank you for all the support you guys give me. I can’t even tell you how much that means to me. Or I can..since I just did. D’oh.

Anyhoo….I will try to be better. But not til after this weekend is over. I am heading to Las Vegas for my grandpa’s interim and life celebration (that’s such a white thing, haha).  I am not really looking forward to driving 8 hours right after I’ve worked all night, but my daughter, and hopefully oldest son, will be there to keep me company. Seriously–I don’t know what I would do without my  kids. They are my rocks. Three crazy sarcastic rocks that keep me grounded for the most part and love me unconditionally. Those rocks, ROCK!!  (see what I did there. I made a funny)

So when I get back, I promise I will try to be more attentive to you all. I love reading your stuff. It’s amazing, inspiring, funny, clever, insightful, sobering, informative, and so much more. I miss it like mad.

For now, enjoy this collage of my dogs. I am going to have this made into a pillow. That is the kind of cool shit I do….

See you soon!


My Whiskey boy and my Koda girl.

My Whiskey boy and my Koda girl.



Waiting sucks. It’s nerve wracking. I’m way too impatient to deal with the pressure. Which makes me start regretting taking this step.

I had a dream about it last night. The dream didn’t go well. They just kept telling me to get over it, that life didn’t work like this, that avoiding people because of my issues is immature and I need to start acting like an adult instead of a child.

Do you think this is my subconscious telling me those things? And if so, are they really true? Am I being immature and childish? Are my issues in my head? Am I using them as an excuse for what I do and how I feel?

The thing is, regardless of where they come from or where they reside, not everything or everyone triggers them. So then, the question becomes more of how do I handle those people/situations that trigger my fight or flight emotional states?

Our maybe I’m just tripping because my anxiety is so fucking off the charts??!!


Laying it all out….

So I did something this week. Something I’ve never done. Something that scares me to my core.

I wrote my step-mom and dad a letter and told them about my issues. I explained where I think it came from, what most of my triggers are, and my cycle of thought. I explained why I isolate myself from everyone, why I react how I react, and gave them some paperwork about borderline personality disorder.

And now I’m terrified. Terrified of their reaction. Terrified they will think I’m just making excuses for my shitty behavior. Terrified I will disappoint them once again.

I’m also terrified they will want to talk to me about it. I’m quite sure I’m not ready for that step. Baring my soul on paper was so fucking hard for me…. Talking will be near impossible. I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it…

Anyway, I just wanted to express my fears somewhere before they consume me…..

Thanks for listening.

Sucker Punch


Today I watched an interesting movie. It was called Sucker Punch. The title is very deceiving. I was expecting like an old school gangster fight movie or something. But what I got instead, was a pretty intriguing movie.

First of all, the main character is dealing with her step-dad having killed her mother, then go after her sister. In defense of her sister, she tries shooting her step-dad, but ends up accidentally shooting her sister. She is then hauled off to the mental hospital where she ends up getting a lobotomy.

What makes this movie interesting, is that to escape from the reality of killing her sister and being in a mental ward, she invents an alternate reality where she is actually a dancer/escort with a bunch of other girls. Why she chose this scenario, I don’t know. But the orderly that was getting her ready for the lobotomy is the owner of the “club” and he is in love with her. When she dances, she invents another alternate reality for herself where she is tasked with fighting for her freedom to escape the actual reality of her life. To do this, she has to fight monsters and dragons and giants to collect four objects; map, fire, knife, key. She enlists the help of the other girls in the club, and together they join her in her third reality to help her fight for and collect the objects. Somehow, they girls that help her, know they are in her invented universe, and are fine with it. Unfortunately, if someone dies in one of her alternate universes, they die in her actual reality as well.  You have to pay attention to understand the different levels. Anyway, in the end, (spoiler alert kind of) she has to sacrifice something–which is the fifth object in her fight for freedom–and realizes that what she has to sacrifice is worth it in the end. I won’t tell you the complete ending, in case you decide to watch it.

The reason that this movie stuck with me, is that it can really be compared to my own battle with mental illness. When I don’t like my actual reality, I tend to find a reality in my head that I like better, even if that reality is absolutely not real. I make it as real as I can, just to handle whatever is going on. This comes in many forms; avoidance of people, isolation, books, movies, sleep, whatever makes me step out of my brain and focus on something else, or nothing else.

In the movie, this girl has to fight for her freedom. That is how I feel some days–like I am trapped in my muddled brain and have to fight my way out. And like her, I fight my demons too. Unfortunately my demons are within me, so they don’t get defeated completely–they just go away for a while until they decide to torment me again. In the movie, the basic point is survival and freedom. In my state of mental health, it is the same. Some days I just have to survive. Battling my demons isn’t always feasible, but making it through the day really is.

I was pretty amazed at how many parallels I saw in this movie with my own life and my own struggles. I guess lately I am looking for something to grasp. I know I haven’t had a complete breakdown in a while, but right now I am struggling a bit. I don’t know if it is anxiety because my grandpa’s funeral is coming up and I have to deal with things (and people) I don’t want to deal with. Or if it is because of the fact that I really cannot afford to travel to Vegas, where they are holding his burial and life celebration and I feel guilt-ed and obligated to go regardless,  so I don’t disappoint everyone yet again. Either way, anxiety is a HUGE factor, and since anxiety triggers me to isolate, which triggers guilt, which triggers an emotional bender—I am sitting precariously on the edge right now.

I have managed to get back on my medication—at least until it runs out again. So at least I have a little back up for my brain. Yay me?

So if you have time one day, go watch the movie. It is definitely interesting, though the characters don’t have much substance. It is still pretty cool.  Remember this is coming from one who could watch Death Race 25 times in a row every week.  I like em’ cheesy!

Oh, and if my raving review didn’t convince you….the movie has an AMAZING soundtrack!!!

Just a lil’ funny….

This is a repost from a fellow bloggess, Justine, that literally made me  laugh out loud. And you know what happens when I do more than chuckle in my head… I must share!!!  That’s the rules, yo!!

So here you go!  Don’t drink anything before you read. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Retiree in store:

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from TESCO’. That’s okay, I didn’t like shopping there anyway.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.