You are Enough…

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I just had this tattooed on my arm—I put it there to remind me every day and every minute that I forget that I truly am enough. Enough to make it each and every moment. Enough to eventually be in a healthy relationship. Enough to be loved and cared for. Enough to love and care for myself. Enough to survive this stupid BPD. Enough for whatever I want.

Someone asked me why I put YOU instead of I–and my reply was that I needed a message to myself outside of myself, if that makes any sense. I cannot say “I am enough” to myself and believe it. But I can read “you are enough” and apply it to my life.

I know, kind of weird, but it works for me and really, that is all that matters.

Don’t judge me. Or do, whatevs.

You are also enough..  🙂

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Headaches

So writing my other blog on CBD made me start thinking about my headaches.

I have never really gotten headaches and I have been really grateful for that. I know people who get headaches all the time and I feel so bad for them. Now that  is me.

My headaches started about a year ago–they were about once or twice a month–and have progressively gotten worse. I have heard them called tension headaches and stress headaches. They start between my eyes and then move to one temple or the other–usually the right side–and once they get there, they feel like the entire contents of my head are going to blow out my temple. Even massaging the area makes it worse.

I have tried massaging parts of my hand they say helps–it doesn’t. I have tried pressure points on my feet–nothing.  I take aleve and ibuprofen or whatever is handy–nada.

They just kind of hang around all the time and drive me nuts. I do get them more at work than I do at home, but I mostly live with the dull throb in my head 24/7.  Some things make it ease up and once in a while I will realize it’s gone for a bit. But that is few and far between. It is just something I am learning to live with.

I wonder if I should go to the doctor and make sure I don’t have a brain tumor or something….

I will talk to my psychiatrist about them here in a few weeks to see what she thinks. Maybe they are really just related to stress.

I know I have been more stressed than usual at work, what with all the fucking drama that happens there. If it is not one counselor than it is the other. Or the frustration of having a new person there. It seems to always be something lately.

I guess I will just pay attention to the things that trigger it for a while and see what I can come up with.

Any helpful hints on how to handle it would be great…

Thanks for listening.

CBD–to use or not to use?

So I have really been considering getting involved with CBD oil, but I have some reservations. First of all–I have been reading about it and I know the research says it helps with a myriad of issues. I want to use it for anxiety and my headaches. Kind of hoping it will help my leg cramps too. Not sure how effective it is for that though.

I have spoken to a couple CBD dealers here in Albuquerque, but they don’t really know how it helps tension headaches–though they do say it helps with migraines. So I think it would probably work with tension headaches as well.  I guess if I decide to use it, I can always do an update post to let you know how that goes…

Anyway, I know it should help with my anxiety. I already take hydroxyzine for my anxiety, and supposedly my Prozac is supposed to help with that as well, though I don’t see a damn difference. However, I will say that when I was not on the Prozac, my anxiety was ridiculous. I wonder if that was more because I was not on any medication though? I kind of get caught up in a weird loop with my anxiety when I am off meds. So I think that both the anti-depressant and anti-psychotic meds both help that to a point. So there’s that.

Back to the question at hand–would CBD oil help me? On one hand, I feel like trying it would be worth my time—aside from the fact its fucking expensive–but on the other hand, I am scared that there is just enough THC in it to give me a positive UA if I was to be tested at work. Since I don’t have a marijuana card, would that be grounds for suspension or something? I should probably look into my works policies on this type of thing now that I am saying it out loud. So yeah..I will leave that for now.

Another thing I am scared of with it is the sedative effects. I know when I take my hydroxyzine, it makes me drowsy. Hence why I don’t take it during the day at work when I need it most. I don’t want to fall asleep at work. I do take it when I am at home, but it definitely makes me more tired than normal–and my normal tired is a beast all on its own.  I am a great sleeper–it might be my best skill.  I can sleep for 12 hours straight then get up and take a nap 3 hours later. Its a bit ridiculous. Though I have been told numerous times that my sleeping habits are directly related to my BPD cycles. I have noticed that when I cycle more frequently, I cannot stay awake for long. I have always been under the impression with my body, before I was fully diagnosed with BPD, that when I get really stressed, my body immediately wants to go to sleep to give my brain a break. To the point, that I have to listen and take a nap, or I will get so overly tired I cannot function properly. I have literally had to pull my car over and take a nap on the side of the road from excess stress wanting me to sleep before. The struggle is real, people.

So again, I got off track. Shocking. I might be a bit ADHD when I write. Possibly in my real life too.  Aaaaannnddd, here I go again.

Sheesh.

CBD oil. Focus already.

Should I use it or not? Will it make me tired? Will it put too much THC in my system that I would come up positive on a drug test? Will it help my headaches?

If any of you guys out there have used it, leave me a comment and tell me how it worked for you and what milligram would be the most effective for anxiety and does it really make a difference?

I need info man. Real life, real person, info.

Please and thank you in advance.

Wits End

I am so frustrated. I feel like a horrible mother. I just don’t know where I went wrong. My youngest son has no motivation to do anything other than play video games and sleep. He rarely leaves the house–before his job, I swear he’s only left the house five times since June 2018.  I don’t know if he is depressed or what—this is what I suspect though.

Today he had to be to work at five pm. I ordered him a lyft so he could get to work because I couldn’t get off in time. I texted him to let him know who was going to be there and when, yet he still missed it. And I had to rush home (as much as I could rush in rush hour traffic) to take him to work.

I don’t understand why I am killing myself to get him to and from a job that should be his responsibility. I know this is his first real job, and I pushed him to get it, but it is not my responsibility to get him there on time and pick him up. I absolutely don’t mind helping him, but he completely relies on me and my anxiety is out of control with it while he shows no concern about it at all. I don’t understand. I’m so sick of it.

I feel horrible saying that because he is my child. I love him more than life and I would give my life for his, but I have failed him. So totally and completely failed him as a parent and a role-model. He has pretty much been handed everything in his life and I have done nothing but enable him to be 22 and still living with his mom, playing video games and paying all his expenses.  I don’t know how he became so entitled and un-motivated in his life. I take full responsibility. I didn’t push him enough, I guess.  I know he is an adult and it is time for him to take responsibility now, but how do you stop helping your children?

I am so conflicted. On one hand, I need to use tough love and just let him do it himself; he’ll either fly or fail. I need to stop enabling him and let him be the adult he needs to be.  On the other, I am his mother and it kills me to know that he may not care enough and lose his job and then my only option is to kick him out, just to make him understand that he needs to do something with his life to start down the path of adulthood.

But, I am also scared that he will feel worthless and do something stupid and I would never be able to live with myself.  It’s times like this that I thank god I don’t own a gun. I cannot deal with the thoughts that run through my head when I feel like such a failure.

I know I am emotional as hell today though–so I am aware this feeling will pass, but right now I am feeling hopeless and helpless and frustrated and heartbroken and sad.

Today is Luann’s birthday and it’s just another reminder that she is not here and I thought I was doing really good with it until this evening. Now I am broken.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. How do I fix this without losing my child? And not just by death, but if I kick him out, what if he hates me and doesn’t want anything to do with me for a while. I absolutely will not handle that well. I am already not handling this well

God, I fucking hate life so much right now.

Disclaimer:  I am very aware I am emotional and my BPD is rearing its ugly head and I am cycling fast and hard. So please, if you are reading this, don’t worry about me doing something stupid to myself. I won’t. And I know this will pass. I just need to get it out of my head….

Everyday things…

Today I was reading an article about ways that BPD affects everyday tasks. As with all the articles/blogs/ect I read, I relate with some of it but not with all of it.

My BPD is split. I am one way sometimes and another way another time. What I mean by that is this.

At work, I am very high functioning. Most who know me would not realize that I even have a disorder. They would know that I get frustrated easily and am emotional, but not that it stems from Borderline Personality Disorder. When I mention that I have it, things kind of click for them in the way I act, especially if they are familiar with it. Them finding out I have BPD explains a lot of my behavior. UGH, I hate that, but in reality, it actually helps.

Outside of work, I am not as high-functioning. I can fake it sometimes, but doing so overwhelms me. And, oddly enough, as I have gotten older and have become more open about my disorder, I do find that I cannot fake it as much as I used to when I was trying to hide everything. I guess that is good and bad.

One of the things the article mentioned was driving. I thought that was odd, but after thinking about it for a while, I realize that I drive aggressively most days. People piss me off. They are too stupid to be on the road, so it infuriates me, and I tend to be an asshole behind the wheel.  I will say though, now that I have my new car with a ridiculous payment, I don’t drive as bad as I used to. But being a female, having an emotional dis-regulation disorder, and living in a town with asshat drivers does not make  me a poster child for good driving.  I am learning though……sometimes.  I do tend to drive worse when I am emotional. I actually drive better when I am angry because I am aware of my fury and don’t want to kill myself or others when I am in that state of mind.  Emotional days though tend to make me a bit more reckless–though I don’t have the intention of being that way or hurting myself or others.  When I am happy, I drive best. I let people engage in their fuckery without getting upset.

Another thing the article mentioned was cleaning. This one really hit home for a myriad of reasons.  I don’t live in a shithole–though you will hear me call my house that often. I have certain things I don’t do–cannot fucking stand doing–and because of that, I do refer to my house as a shithole. However, for the most part, my house is clean. However, there is dusting. Fuck dusting. I absolutely abhor dusting. I live in a damn desert. My backyard is entirely dirt and I have 5 animals, 4 of which shed, living in my casa. Dust is the bane of my existence. If I kept up with dusting my house, I would never have time for any other thing. It’s a never-ending battle. So I don’t do it. I have people that can attest to the fact that there is, at minimum, 2-3 inches of dust/hair/dirt on top of my entertainment center. Luckily, I am not that tall, so out of sight, out of mind.  The other thing I cannot stand is cleaning the bathroom. Yes, I am quite aware this is foul. I am the first to admit my bathroom is grody. (I did clean it a couple weeks ago from top to bottom with bleach though. Yay me.)  Luckily , I am the only one who uses it, so its my own filth I wallow in. I am surprisingly fine with it. For a while. Till it grosses me out. Then I will strip it down, dump bleach on all the surfaces, dry it up and put everything back. Don’t judge me.

Or on the opposite end of that spectrum, I will get the urge to clean my house completely and get all gung ho–buy the cleaning stuff, clear everything out, etc, etc—and then when it comes time to start the actual cleaning, I get overwhelmed and lose my momentum and energy. So I end up laying down and telling myself what a fuck up I am that I cannot even clean my damn house. So things just sit until I get pissed off enough to put them back or clean them up.  Jesus, this disorder is exhausting.

Socializing is another one that resonated with me. I tend to be all in or all out. Some days, I just want to talk and text and talk and whatever with whomever. Other days I don’t want to hear the sound of my own voice. This is my normal–however, it does tend to stress me out. For example, I will be wanting to talk to someone, so I will reach out and get a conversation started, then halfway through, I shut down and no longer want to be having that conversation, so even though the conversation is not finished, I will make up an excuse to stop talking or finish up the conversation as quickly as possible, all the while getting myself all worked up with how angry the whole situation is making me feel.  Nobody on the other end knows that is what is happening though. I am (usually) good at hiding that frustration.

Here is a good example of that. The other day I was sitting at home and decided I wanted to maybe meet some men. I say the word “men” loosely. So I got on a dating site. I made my profile, started looking through the people, messaged a few and even gave out my number to one. Then a few hours later, I was over it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t delete my profile for 24 hours. So waiting for that, I got stupid messages from idiots and since I have an impulse problem with keeping my opinions to myself, managed to piss off quite a few people. None of which I regret, FYI.  So, after impulsively doing that, I managed to delete the profile–but not after sitting there getting pissed off. So stupid. I could have just distracted myself with something else until the urge to talk to guys passed, but instead I put myself in an annoying situation because I lack control sometimes. Ridiculous.

My point is that what I want one moment changes in a few moments. I know this about myself and my disorder yet still have no power or control over the impulsivity. Its beyond frustrating.  So now, some really nice guy keeps texting me and I am no longer interested but don’t know how to let him down easy. So I just ignore it.  I am a douche sometimes.

Getting out of bed is a big one. I have days where I am up and ready to go before my alarm goes off. Others, it takes every ounce of everything I am and have to get out of bed. I will lay there thinking of reasons why I could just stay there and if I cannot find a good enough one, I will just get irritated and the day will start out shitty.  There are times when I am in bed for 48+ hours straight–watching tv, reading, or playing games on my phone. I won’t shower, I won’t leave the house, I will barely eat.  I don’t feel depressed at the time, I just feel lazy–though I will realize it was probably a bit of depression that kept me there.   This is one of the reasons I took a part-time job–it keeps me from doing nothing and getting down on myself for that. It helps when I let it. Other times, I just get mad because I am working when I want to be at home…  Can’t win for losing.

Anyway–this ended up being much longer than I anticipated, so I will stop here. There may be a part two, there may not.

Thanks for listening.

 

Too Good to Be True?

So lately my life has been really good. I have felt (dare I say) happy.  Even more than that, I have felt content. These are feelings I have not felt in a really long time. I don’t know why it is happening, and I totally suck for questioning it, but I know myself–and furthermore, I know my stupid BPD. And this feels too good to be true.

Seriously. I have never, and I mean never, gone this long without cycling and self-destructive thoughts. I feel super weird.

I do have enough sense to enjoy it though.

I am just getting a little bit of anxiety waiting for the bad thing to happen–whatever that may be. I am sure, when it comes, it won’t be as serious as my anxiety makes it out to be, but I still cannot control the worry.

Stupid, right?  UGH

Anyway, I just wanted to get this out of my head and hopefully my anxiety will ease for that reason. It usually works.

Lets hope that still holds true.

And, hey, other shoe?  Stay where you are, don’t drop.

Please and thank you.

You have NO idea…

There is a person in my life that means so much to me. Well, there are many people in my life that mean more than they realize, but this isn’t about them right now. This is about one person.

This one person has been in my life for the last 30ish years. She has been so many things to me in my life; a friend, a mother, even a supervisor. When I was a teenager, she was my salvation. As an adult she has been such a great support and friend.

Right now she is battling cancer and the outlook is not perfect, but her attitude is. She is always in pain but handles it like a champ. She is positive and upbeat and manages to care about everyone around her even though her focus should be on herself. She is one of the most selfless people I have ever met.

I don’t know if she knows how much she means to me, and since I am so emotional, its not something I would ever be able to put into words in person without sobbing like a baby, and since I am very good at expressing myself via writing, I figured this was a good way to let her know exactly how much she means to me and how much I love and admire her as a person and a friend and a mother. So here goes:

Diana—I love you. So much more than you will ever realize. You are one of the most inspiring people I know. You are strong and beautiful and brave. You are a true blessing to those who know you. You may not have had kids of your own, but you have so many people who look up to you as a mother. I am one of those. I have always been able to count on you whenever I needed anything, since the day I met you. Whether it was a shoulder to cry on, a place to live, someone to vent my frustrations on, or just to talk about life and whatever was going on in ours, I have always been able to count on you. I have always been secure in the knowledge of your love for me and I cannot even begin to explain (even with my incredible wordsmithing) how much that means to me.

So many people in my life, especially adults when I was young, have come and gone with never another thought of me and my sister. But you, you have never left us. You never let us down. You always made sure we knew we were important to you. You always made sure we knew we were loved by you and Scott. You were always one of the ones we could always count on.

You were stability to me. In an incredibly unstable world, you were my rock. No matter the time that passes that we communicate, I always knew you were just a phone call away.

You always gave me what my mom never could when I was young: unconditional love and support.  You will never understand, nor will I ever be able to explain, just how much that means to me and how important it has always been in my life.

I love you so, so much. I grieved with you and for you when Scott passed away. I know he was as important to you as you are to me. I know you are just biding time until you get to see him again and I cannot even imagine how hard it is for you. But even with that, the strength and caring and determination to be happy in the face of all of that is just incredible to me. Your faith and your love and your caring for those around you is inspiring.

I am so grateful for you. I am also so grateful for Kathy for being there for you and being such a strong support for you when the rest of us cannot be there.  Just meeting her and seeing your guys’ relationship makes me so happy. You deserve a friend like that since you have always been that friend to everyone else.

Please know that you are my mother in all the ways that matter. You are also my friend, and my inspiration. I love you more than you will ever realize and I am so glad I got to spend the last few days with you.

I swear I will make it to Texas at some point too!

I love you so much!

Love forever,

Ron