Today I was reading an article about ways that BPD affects everyday tasks. As with all the articles/blogs/ect I read, I relate with some of it but not with all of it.
My BPD is split. I am one way sometimes and another way another time. What I mean by that is this.
At work, I am very high functioning. Most who know me would not realize that I even have a disorder. They would know that I get frustrated easily and am emotional, but not that it stems from Borderline Personality Disorder. When I mention that I have it, things kind of click for them in the way I act, especially if they are familiar with it. Them finding out I have BPD explains a lot of my behavior. UGH, I hate that, but in reality, it actually helps.
Outside of work, I am not as high-functioning. I can fake it sometimes, but doing so overwhelms me. And, oddly enough, as I have gotten older and have become more open about my disorder, I do find that I cannot fake it as much as I used to when I was trying to hide everything. I guess that is good and bad.
One of the things the article mentioned was driving. I thought that was odd, but after thinking about it for a while, I realize that I drive aggressively most days. People piss me off. They are too stupid to be on the road, so it infuriates me, and I tend to be an asshole behind the wheel. I will say though, now that I have my new car with a ridiculous payment, I don’t drive as bad as I used to. But being a female, having an emotional dis-regulation disorder, and living in a town with asshat drivers does not make me a poster child for good driving. I am learning though……sometimes. I do tend to drive worse when I am emotional. I actually drive better when I am angry because I am aware of my fury and don’t want to kill myself or others when I am in that state of mind. Emotional days though tend to make me a bit more reckless–though I don’t have the intention of being that way or hurting myself or others. When I am happy, I drive best. I let people engage in their fuckery without getting upset.
Another thing the article mentioned was cleaning. This one really hit home for a myriad of reasons. I don’t live in a shithole–though you will hear me call my house that often. I have certain things I don’t do–cannot fucking stand doing–and because of that, I do refer to my house as a shithole. However, for the most part, my house is clean. However, there is dusting. Fuck dusting. I absolutely abhor dusting. I live in a damn desert. My backyard is entirely dirt and I have 5 animals, 4 of which shed, living in my casa. Dust is the bane of my existence. If I kept up with dusting my house, I would never have time for any other thing. It’s a never-ending battle. So I don’t do it. I have people that can attest to the fact that there is, at minimum, 2-3 inches of dust/hair/dirt on top of my entertainment center. Luckily, I am not that tall, so out of sight, out of mind. The other thing I cannot stand is cleaning the bathroom. Yes, I am quite aware this is foul. I am the first to admit my bathroom is grody. (I did clean it a couple weeks ago from top to bottom with bleach though. Yay me.) Luckily , I am the only one who uses it, so its my own filth I wallow in. I am surprisingly fine with it. For a while. Till it grosses me out. Then I will strip it down, dump bleach on all the surfaces, dry it up and put everything back. Don’t judge me.
Or on the opposite end of that spectrum, I will get the urge to clean my house completely and get all gung ho–buy the cleaning stuff, clear everything out, etc, etc—and then when it comes time to start the actual cleaning, I get overwhelmed and lose my momentum and energy. So I end up laying down and telling myself what a fuck up I am that I cannot even clean my damn house. So things just sit until I get pissed off enough to put them back or clean them up. Jesus, this disorder is exhausting.
Socializing is another one that resonated with me. I tend to be all in or all out. Some days, I just want to talk and text and talk and whatever with whomever. Other days I don’t want to hear the sound of my own voice. This is my normal–however, it does tend to stress me out. For example, I will be wanting to talk to someone, so I will reach out and get a conversation started, then halfway through, I shut down and no longer want to be having that conversation, so even though the conversation is not finished, I will make up an excuse to stop talking or finish up the conversation as quickly as possible, all the while getting myself all worked up with how angry the whole situation is making me feel. Nobody on the other end knows that is what is happening though. I am (usually) good at hiding that frustration.
Here is a good example of that. The other day I was sitting at home and decided I wanted to maybe meet some men. I say the word “men” loosely. So I got on a dating site. I made my profile, started looking through the people, messaged a few and even gave out my number to one. Then a few hours later, I was over it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t delete my profile for 24 hours. So waiting for that, I got stupid messages from idiots and since I have an impulse problem with keeping my opinions to myself, managed to piss off quite a few people. None of which I regret, FYI. So, after impulsively doing that, I managed to delete the profile–but not after sitting there getting pissed off. So stupid. I could have just distracted myself with something else until the urge to talk to guys passed, but instead I put myself in an annoying situation because I lack control sometimes. Ridiculous.
My point is that what I want one moment changes in a few moments. I know this about myself and my disorder yet still have no power or control over the impulsivity. Its beyond frustrating. So now, some really nice guy keeps texting me and I am no longer interested but don’t know how to let him down easy. So I just ignore it. I am a douche sometimes.
Getting out of bed is a big one. I have days where I am up and ready to go before my alarm goes off. Others, it takes every ounce of everything I am and have to get out of bed. I will lay there thinking of reasons why I could just stay there and if I cannot find a good enough one, I will just get irritated and the day will start out shitty. There are times when I am in bed for 48+ hours straight–watching tv, reading, or playing games on my phone. I won’t shower, I won’t leave the house, I will barely eat. I don’t feel depressed at the time, I just feel lazy–though I will realize it was probably a bit of depression that kept me there. This is one of the reasons I took a part-time job–it keeps me from doing nothing and getting down on myself for that. It helps when I let it. Other times, I just get mad because I am working when I want to be at home… Can’t win for losing.
Anyway–this ended up being much longer than I anticipated, so I will stop here. There may be a part two, there may not.
Thanks for listening.