Getting stable is SUPER weird.

For the first time in my life, I feel as normal as I think normal feels. It is SUPER FUCKING WEIRD.  I haven’t had any type of explosive event in weeks. WEEKS! Which is brand new to me. I honestly cannot remember even going a day without losing it in some way–either emotionally breaking down or getting irrationally angry over something stupid–much less weeks with no issues.  Again, it is super weird.

Surreal actually. I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep expecting myself to lose it or start bawling for no reason and when it doesn’t happen, it kind of freaks me out.  Especially when I get myself in situations that, in the past, I would react emotionally or irrationally. I just cannot explain how weird (really, this is the only word I can come up with to describe it) this is.

Talking about it to my counselor last night, I was trying to explain how I felt about it, how abnormal is is for me, how I was kind of skeptical about this new “normal” I am feeling and how I am just kind of waiting for the chaos to come back and bury me.  She explained to me that it is completely normal to feel like this, especially because this new stability is so foreign to my life, and that the reason I question it is because I am so used to the chaos ruling every aspect of my life.

As we continued talking, I questioned whether it was just the new medication making me feel this way and would all this come back if/when my meds stopped working again? But she pointed out that it wasn’t just the meds–though they are part of it–but it was also me, learning and gaining knowledge and USING what I am learning every single day.  As I sat there and thought about that, I realized how little I have ever given myself credit for things, even though I am the one doing the work.

That was a new revelation to me, the not giving myself credit—-because I am learning and I am listening and I am using all the tools that I have been presented with. On a daily basis. I have learned to stop and think about my reactions before I allow them to become a reality. I have learned to stop and think about my words and how they will affect me and others around me before I say them. I have learned to STOP—–before all hell breaks loose and I am left feeling guilty and wounded and stupid and embarrassed.

Which, again, makes this new stability SUPER FUCKING WEIRD.  But in a good way.

What is even more astounding to me is that as I learn and relearn how to be more in my wise mind rather than my emotional mind, is watching Choney learn me as well.  I guess I didn’t realize how reactive I was and how much he really did walk on eggshells around me. It is so enlightening to watch him not have to do that and realize that he can do and say what he needs to without worrying about me freaking out.  It makes me feel really good about myself. Which again, is super weird.

I have spent so much time and energy telling myself what a piece of shit I am, that when I step back and realize that I haven’t said that or even thought that to myself in weeks, I am amazed and proud and empowered. What is even better than that, when I do get down on myself, I realize what I am doing and put a stop to it immediately.  I remind myself that it is okay to be angry sometimes and it is okay to be upset or frustrated or irritated or agitated or sad. And I have learned to remove myself from the situation and think about why I am feeling that way and if I figure out it is legit, then I just sit with it and let it pass. Then I am good to go again. And Choney respects my need for space sometimes, even if he doesn’t understand it.

Can I just take a moment and remind myself how lucky I am and what a good fucking job I have been doing in getting myself to a point where I can control myself and my emotions and my words?

:::pats self on back:::

 

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I Did a Thing…

So…as the title insinuates, I did a thing. That thing was letting Choney and his daughter move back into my house after three months of them being gone. I did this for a few reasons—-the main being that I love this man and I cannot stand to not have him in my life.

It took a while to decide to make this decision. I actually thought about all sides–inside, outside, upside, downside, etc,etc for quite a bit of time. I wrote down pros and cons. I talked to people I trust (mostly my therapist) and with my non-emotional mind I came to the conclusion that I liked my life much better with them in it than out of it. Even though we have had some pretty serious issues in the past.

I am ready, and willing, to let go of a lot of stuff that I was holding onto. Petty, stupid, insignificant, selfish shit. I decided it was time to dump my baggage and move forward.

So far, its working. Mostly. I am finding that some things are harder to let go of than others…. But I guess that is okay right? I mean, it will always be that way. I am conscientiously working on letting them go, so that is a good thing.  I am also very mindful of my behavior and attitude and words. I am learning to think before I speak and learning that when I speak, I can do so in a way that is not rude or condescending or too blunt. Because my boyfriend is a bit sensitive and tends to take things personally. So I have to be mindful of his feelings. I guess that is what relationships are about, huh?

We have worked out the financial aspect of our lives and that was a big issue previously. We are both good with our decision regarding that.

One of the biggest issues was me. I wanted him to be a man, yet I never allowed him to actually fulfill that role in my life. I am used to doing things on my own, in my own way, and on my own time. It was hard to let go of that control and allow another to be a part of my life that way. But I am doing pretty good.  So I allow him to make his own —decisions, I allow him to make his own mistakes—–all of this without condemning or judging him. It is new for me.

I was a really shitty person. I was mean and cruel and just an asshole. I would like to say it was because I was unmedicated and uncontrolled, but that is not all of the reason. It is part of it, sure, but at the end of the day, I just realized how much anger, bitterness and resentment I was holding onto from the past–both with him and with others. And seriously, what good did any of that do me?  I was so scared that he was going to leave me and whatnot, I ended up pushing him to do just the thing I was terrified of. THAT is definitely part of my disorder, but it is also my own ignorance.

I realize now that the only person I can control is me—-and I also realize because of my BPD, I will not always be able to control me. I can use my tools though. I am very conscious of my behavior now and I know when i need to take some time/space away from everyone.  Unfortunately, this is a hard concept for a child to grasp. She doesn’t understand why I want/need alone time. She has never had that in her life, so she doesn’t appreciate or get it. Such is life. I will just have to keep explaining it to her so she does eventually get it.

Regardless–I am doing better this time. I think. Sometimes I have to just shut my mouth and talk myself out of saying that sarcastic comment. That is hard. I have never censored or stopped myself from saying what is in my brain. But, again, I guess that is part of making a relationship work? Tact. Ugh.

Anyway, I just wanted to get all this out of my head–because tonight is not a great night for me. I am feeling super anxious and agitated. So I have gone to my room to read my book. And do a blog, obviously.

Thanks for listening.

 

 

 

Progress?

So I have officially been in counseling for 6 weeks, and on Prozac for almost three weeks. I feel better than I have in years…. Mostly.

Some days are rougher than others, but I think that will always happen. Other days I am just fine and nothing bugs me.

It has been over two weeks since I have had any type of outburst of any kind that was spurred by anger, irritation, agitation or even being overwhelmed.  It has been…………………………..weird. Sometimes I feel like maybe the Prozac has flat-lined me a bit……..yet I still feel emotion. Just not as intense or overwhelming or out of control like I used to.

What is even weirder is that my anxiety has lowered and I don’t feel ramped up all the time. Which is nice. Weird, but nice. I guess I get so used to be in such a high state of anxiety all the time, when it is not there, I almost feel empty.

I have to remind myself that not being so high-strung is a good thing. Especially because I am learning that I am more than my anger. Which, again, is weird. Because I have been my anger for so long.

I am also learning that when I do have anxiety—-because it never actually goes away for good—-that I can take myself out of a situation and just sit with it until it settles down. Even if I cannot take myself out of the situation, I still do really well with talking myself down.

Seriously, I think I have more conversations with myself than anyone else. I am so focused on letting shit go that isn’t important and telling myself at least a hundred times a day that “it isn’t that serious”, that I forget there is other people around me…

But, for real, I haven’t felt this in control of myself in forever…. if ever, actually.

My therapist calls it my “wise mind”. I cannot imagine that I am that wise—but it is certainly a much calmer state than I have been in for a while. When I am out of control, she calls that my “emotional mind”.  I have always thrived there, so this wise mind thing is brand new territory for me. And I  won’t lie, its a bit intimidating and scary.

But I have to make my life  better. I have to control myself and allow myself to live in a non-judgmental brain. The negative self-talk fucks me up. In every aspect of my life. Don’t get me wrong–it is still there, lurking, ready to come out and tell me what a piece of shit I am—but I am getting super good at arguing with it and reminding myself that I am a good person that makes mistakes sometimes. I am actually starting to believe it some days too. Bonus.

Anyway, I just thought I would update. I always feel like I have nothing to say when there is no chaos in my head.  Which is probably really untrue…. but it is what it is all the same.

For now, I will keep working on my DBT skills and learning more about how “normal” functions.  I will try to keep you posted.

 

My Illness is Me…

A situation came up today and  I asked my daughter if she realized I have a mental illness. She said yes. Then she said, “but it doesn’t have to define you.”  To which I replied, “I realize that it doesn’t have to define me–but it does.”

BUT. IT. DOES.

Right now, this day, this week, this year, my illness completely and totally defines me and every nook and cranny of my life. It permeates all the space I occupy both mentally and physically. It is all I know. It is all I think about it. It is all I can focus on. My world is very small right now because my mental illness completely defines me…

I guess I never thought of myself that way–because it sucks honestly.

I remember a post I wrote a few years ago that was just the opposite. I remember then, that I was so sick of my illness defining me, that I wanted to shout out to the world that I was not my illness. And maybe then, I wasn’t.

But right now, this day, this week, this year? I am completely defined and ruled by my BPD and anxiety.  It effects everything I do, everything I say, and everything I think. My entire being is so focused on being mindful of my disorder and making sure that I am not freaking out and being unnecessarily cruel or mean or shitty. I focus every minute on stopping my negative self-talk that is a big a part of me as breathing. I am constantly criticizing every move, every word, every thought I have. Right now, that is my normal.

But I am working on it. Because I don’t want my stupid fucking mental illness to define me. I really, really don’t. But sometimes it is a necessary evil that it does—because it makes me very aware of myself.

One day I won’t be my illness–it will just be a part of me………  That day is not today.

My Comfort Zone is Anger.

My comfort zone is anger. What a weird fucking statement that is. But it is the truth.

Whenever my life or emotions or anything begin to spiral out of control–for as long as I can remember–the one emotion that I have always been able to count on is anger. And not just any anger–out of control fury and rage. That is where I am, ironically, most in control.

Which is just fucking silly. Because being angry or furious or in a rage, in reality, is really being completely out of control. But I feel like I have been angry for so long for so many things, I don’t know how to identify other emotions. When I do, they just piss me off–so back to anger I go.

Everything about being emotional and hypersensitive pisses me off. If I feel sad, it pisses me off. If I feel happy, it pisses me off. If I feel nothing, it pisses me off. I cannot win.

I have never–until recently–realized how everything goes back to anger. At the bottom of it, just being what I am, having what I have, being completely and totally out of control in my head all the fucking time—it just really pisses me the fuck off. So anger is what I know. Anger is where I am comfortable. Anger is what I think I can control.

What a fucking crock of shit. And the fact that it is such bullshit just pisses me off more.

Let it go. God, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that–and said it to myself. If only it were that easy. If only I could let it go. What would life even be like? I wouldn’t know–since I have no idea how to live that way.

Having BPD, means I punish myself. I punish myself for everything, regardless of whether it makes sense or is rational. Everything I do, becomes a series of over-thinking, self-blaming and guilt. So much guilt. You have no idea. And having so much guilt, just makes me even angrier.

Because seriously–I am pretty sure everything in the world is not my fault. Even when it is, it is not serious enough to warrant the self-loathing that comes from it.  Yet it happens anyway. And I have never been able to stop it.

And I am strong. I know this. I am an incredibly strong person. I can give you examples. But BPD is the one thing I need to get over/manage/handle more than anything—and  I have absolutely zero control over it.  Oh, I have tools and skills and knowledge. But in the throes of an emotional breakdown or an anxiety attack–all those things I know go right out the window and I am left broken and embarrassed and ashamed.  And I don’t know how to not feel that way. I never have——-so I cover up my guilt and embarrassment and shame with anger. I build a giant wall around everything I am and nobody is allowed in. Ever.

I know this is not right. I know this is not healthy. I know this is not normal.  But it is my life.

I read a lot. I mean a lot. I read at least 40 or more articles or blogs a week on Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety disorders, disassociation, social anxiety disorder, depression, PTSD, and on and on. (this doesn’t include the regular books I read) Anything and everything I can arm myself with knowledge about–hoping and praying that all that knowledge and insight and knowing that I am not alone in my suffering will help me deal with my shit better. And it does in some sense. It does help to know that I am not the only one out there that feels like the weight of everything is going to destroy me. It helps knowing that other people struggle in the same ways so I don’t feel like so much of a freak of nature. It helps.

Then it doesn’t. And that sucks.

One of the things that is prevalent in those with BPD and anxiety is the fact that they don’t like to be alone–yet they push people away. I don’t have that part I don’t think. At least not for the most part. I do push people away–but I like to be alone. I do better when nobody else has to deal with my shit. I do better when my anxiety isn’t ramped up my others being around me. When I am alone, it is when my mind is the most calm. Mostly. Sometimes the quiet can fuck with me–but I can always justify my alone-ness much more than I can justify treating others like shit because of something that has nothing to do with them.

The one thing that does mess with my head is when loneliness creeps in. Which, thank GOD, is rare for me. I can count on one hand how many times I have actually been lonely.  There is a huge difference in loneliness and liking being alone.

However, even when that loneliness creeps up, I still cannot work up the desire to be around people. At least not often. Because I am scared. Scared that one word, one comment, one feeling will break the dam and I will be seen as less than in control. And that one word, comment or feeling doesn’t have to be malicious–it can be something as nice and simple as –I missed you, you look great today, I love it when you’re in a good mood.  Those things trigger my guilt, which trigger emotion, which trigger a cycle. And then I lose the shaky hold I had on my control.  Other times, even “how have you been” will make me vomit out all my issues on someone and then I feel bad–because seriously, its not your problem. And it makes me feel like more of a burden than I already feel like.

This is my life. Nothing helps, nothing fixes it, nothing makes it better for very long. I have just become really, really, really good at faking normalcy for the most part–though that control has slipped in the last few years.

Regardless, even though it doesn’t seem like it–some things help: medication, counseling, incredible self-awareness.  I have my good days–sometimes more than one at a time in a row. Those times feel like a miracle. The problem with this is that to have more than one good day in a row, I have to isolate myself from the world.  I know, I know–that makes no sense.  But it is what helps me the very most; not interacting with other humans.  This is probably why social media is such a prevalent part of my world. I get to interact but not interact, if that makes sense.

Online, I can do and say what I want and I don’t care about others’ reactions to it like I do or would in a face-to-face situation. I am less likely to get triggered by a comment on a social media platform and even if I do, I can talk myself down much quicker when I am alone.

As you can imagine (or cant), this brings me even more guilt, which brings anger–it is literally a never-ending cycle. Especially because I have such great people in my life and I know that my isolation affects them. And I hate that. Luckily, even if they don’t quite understand it, they accept this about me. I appreciate that more than I could ever tell them…..

So anyway, I guess I will stop rambling now–I am kind of running out of things to say for the moment.

 

I don’t fake my illness—I fake my well-being.

Again, here I am, writing because an article I read today really hit home. So I wanted to share it.

My main disorder is Borderline Personality Disorder, however I also have a side of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Unfortunately the anxiety makes my BPD worse and the BPD makes my anxiety devastating.   Its a vicious circle. One that I am never, ever, no matter how calm or “normal” I seem at the moment, released from. I am always living in a heightened state of anxiety, no matter the situation.  I have learned to live with it. Sometimes it is worse, sometimes it is better, but it is always there….

And it makes me act stupid. It is why I cannot maintain constant eye-contact  (that and a bit of PTSD from childhood and a psycho stepdad).  It is why I am always moving my foot or rubbing my fingers together. It is why I am always quiet in a crowd. Or it is why I cannot stop talking. There are so many sides and phases to my disorders that I cannot keep them straight most of the time. But again–I have learned to live with it.

My only regret is not being able to explain it to people in my life that don’t have these issues.

But, back to the article:

The ones in bold really encompass my own feelings and life. And the comments in italics are mine–not from the article.

1. “It can come out of nowhere, even without a trigger, and overwhelm you at any given time. It’s very powerful and scary. Feels like a heart attack, a dizzy spell and a punch in the gut all at once.”

2. “A lot of people with anxiety disorders are in a constant state of anxiety. It’s not something that comes and goes. It’s a 24/7 thing that can’t be turned off or turned down no matter how hard you try.”

3. “‘Anxiety’ is a term used very loosely. It’s not often that people acknowledge just how debilitating it is.”

4. “It’s hard to have a relationship when you have anxiety… anxiety causes low self-esteem and low self-worth and sometimes we push people away because of it.”  (not sometimes, in my case, always. I always push people away. I cannot handle the judgement and lack of understanding and having to explain myself or constantly apologize. It is easier alone.)

5. “Hyper-vigilance — some of us are super aware of things going on in our surroundings, whether we’re conscious of it or not. This makes some of us easy targets to scare, and it can take a while to calm down from something like being tapped on the shoulder.”

6. “It’s exhausting. Being tense and on edge is physically and mentally draining. It is so much more than just the mind. It affects appetite, behavior, emotions — everything.” (I think this is why I sleep and nap so well and frequently. I am constantly exhausted.)

7.People with anxiety can feel helpless and suicidal. These thoughts are not only associated with other ‘more severe’ mental illnesses.” (I talk myself out of dying almost daily)

8.The physical issues that come with it. Constipation. The runs. Puking and much more. All the ‘gross’ stuff that no one wants to openly admit.”  (I have been diagnosed with Irritable bowel syndrome/diarrhea—however, I think its more anxiety than actual IBSD.)

9.Violent and tragic intrusive thoughts, like not being able to stop imagining family or friends you care deeply about dying horribly and painfully.”

10.A panic attack looks different for different people. I’m good at masking them in public, pretending to be part of the conversation, nodding strategically because I can’t even speak.”  (very often I will stop speaking because everything in my is focused on not having a panic attack in front of someone. Sometimes I will even lash out to make them leave so I can have my attack in peace)

11. “Sometimes, once you have it under control, you feel a little less like yourself. It’s so all-consuming that when it’s gone you almost don’t know what to. This little devil sits on your shoulder, and when you’re able to brush him off, you miss the company.”  (this is probably the truest thing on this list for me–when I don’t have anxiety I don’t know how to deal with life. I am so used to be in a heightened state of emotion that when it is not there, I feel a little lost)

12. “It’s common for young children to be labeled as ‘bad’ because people don’t understand anxiety disorders in children.”

13. “Nobody talks about how everyone experiences anxiety differently. While I may need space, cold water and a tune to hum when I’m feeling especially anxious, others might need a shoulder to lean on and a peaceful distraction. This lack of conversation is particularly harmful because I and many others often have our experiences with anxiety invalidated when we tell someone that we experience anxiety in a way they may be unfamiliar with.”

14. “The guilt is there even when I’m feeling better. I feel such shame and guilt for all of the broken promises, dropped commitments, jobs I had to quit and events I missed. My anxiety is the thief, but I still feel like I’m at fault.”  (I feel constantly guilty, even when I do things that help my issues. And if I lose control, it compounds the guilt by thousands)

15. “The physical part, the rapid heartbeats, the numbness, tunnel vision, being completely fatigued and physically worn out after an episode.”

16. “It gets boring. I have the same obsessive thoughts and worries over and over. I replay situations in my head for hours.  I turn molehills into mountains until I can’t think of anything else. I get hung up on one detail and it’s all I can see for days. It’s boring, it’s repetitive and it’s overwhelming.”

17. “It can cause you to snap at people when they’re doing something that triggers you. Then later, when you try to apologize or explain, they don’t understand.”  (this is the worst part for me–is taking it out on people around me, especially my kids (guilt again). And sometimes I am just so embarrassed or ashamed that I cannot even bring myself to apologize–it just makes it worse, so I just let people think the worst of me. It is easier)

18. “Even if I take medication, it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly free of panic attacks and anxiety.”  (medication only takes the edge off–it doesn’t make it go away.)

19. “Anxiety can make you jump to a wrong conclusion really fast.”  (this is my super power)

20. “For me, sex/relationship difficulties stem from anxiety.”

21. “It’s just like depression in the sense that there isn’t necessarily an answer to the question ‘what are you depressed about?’ Depression is an illness. It’s ‘about’ an illness. ‘What are you anxious about?’ Who knows?! I just am. The end.”

22. “Anger can come with the anxiety. I show irritability when my anxiety is high and it makes me seem like an unhappy person. I’m not, I’m just spinning out of control in my own mind.”  (anger is my go-to emotion. It is my comfort zone. It always has been. Learning to identify other emotions aside from anger has been extremely difficult.)

23. “It affects every facet of my life. The constant tension, irritability and fear seeps into every part of your daily existence. Snapping at the people you love because they’re doing something making you more tense, sleeping so lightly that every noise wakes you up. Anxiety shapes your day.”  (the only problem I DON’T have is sleeping lightly. I am usually so exhausted, I fall asleep quickly and sleep deeply. However, this does not mean I wake up refreshed. I am always, always tired.)

24. “Anxiety is such a powerful emotion. It’s hard to explain how it really truly frightens you to the point where is controls your life. It feels like being in an emotionally abusive relationship with the negative thoughts in your head. No escape.”  (I guess it means I am never alone? Anxiety will always be my number one partner. I know how to make everyone else go away, I wish I knew how to make anxiety go away.)

25.Anxiety isn’t always people freaking out externally or imagining the worst case scenarios, blubbering out loud about it. It’s more than that. Anxiety can be silent, unheard and internal. You’re freaking out internally and panicking and sometimes, keeping it all in will result in those moments when we just break down.”

26. “The paralyzing self doubt that comes along with anxiety can manifest itself is procrastination when it comes to doing things with your life or certain tasks. It makes you seem lazy.”  (It takes so much for me to just get up off the couch or out of bed to do something as simple as clean the kitchen or vacuum the house or clean my room. I have always just said how fucking lazy of a person I am. When in reality, that isn’t actually the case. I am just.. SO. FUCKING. EXHAUSTED. all the time.)

27. “There actually is a level of healthy anxiety that helps us to perform well on tests, in athletics, in school plays or similar. The issue is when it starts affecting your everyday life and stops you from doing the things you love or stops you from being successful.”

28. “We constantly swap and wear masks to hide how we really feel. We are human chameleons and masters of disguise, so other people don’t see our panic and pain.”  (YOU never see the real me. YOU only see what I choose to show you. There is not a person on the planet who has ever seen and dealt with my true self. I am a good judge of character and I usually know (or assume) how much of me you can actually handle and still want to be in my life)

29. “It’s a nightmare to find the best course of treatment. Medications can help, but they also have side effects. On the other hand, natural remedies don’t always work the same for everyone. Be patient with us while we are trying to figure out what is best for us.” (There are very few medications out there that I haven’t tried. Prozac is my go-to drug because it calms my brain the best. However, the side effects suck. I kind of get flat-lined so instead of emotional insanity, I seem to have no emotion at all. In reality, all the emotion is just bottled up a little better and I can fake in front of everyone just a little bit more. Of course, this is not something you ever get to know about–because having to be on medication constantly just so I can function in some “normal” manner shames me and irritates me and makes my negative self-talk ramp up. I cannot win for losing.)

30. “The fear of anxiety can also cause it.” (yup, the fact I have anxiety causes anxiety. the fact that I have BPD causes even more anxiety. The fact that most people dismiss it as me “throwing fits” or “being difficult” causes even more anxiety. Welcome to my hell.)

The link to this article is  here: https://themighty.com/2016/03/things-no-one-talks-about-when-they-talk-about-anxiety/

Anyway–hopefully this made whomever is reading a little more aware of what I live with and what others with anxiety live with on a daily basis.

Just because you cannot see what someone is going through, doesn’t mean they are not going through it.

Those of us with mental illness–especially high functioning mental illness–learned early on how to fake it well.

 

 

Guilt Trip much?

Guilt trips. Aren’t they a fucking blast?

My stepmom is great at them—or was. I guess it depends on how you let it affect you. In the past, I always gave in because it was easier. In the present, I have decided that instead of playing the guilt trip game, instead I am going to play the lets do what is best for Ron game. This is much more helpful to my psyche. And freeing.

So fucking freeing.

So I know I have mentioned before that my biggest triggers are my dad and stepmom. This is what we covered in counseling today. So I guess I get to write about it tonight.

I was very emotional for the first time in over a week. I think it started when I got a present in the mail from my dad and stepmom. Super fucking passive aggressive. Especially since my stepmom works literally two blocks away from my house and it would have taken like three minutes to drop it off. But no, in an attempt to send a message to me, they paid $8.50 for postage to send it in the mail. They live about 20 miles from me. Stupid.

So the message was clear–we are never going to get you to the house, so here is your birthday present. Fair enough. It is what it is. Again…super fucking passive aggressive–meant to inspire guilt so that I would call them and explain why i haven’t been to their house or so they could try to guilt me into coming there. Same shit, different day.

They play off my guilt and sense of obligation. They always have. It gets old. Unfortunately, I have always given in, so why would they stop what always works, right?  No more. No thank you. I am not in the mood for a trip, guilt or otherwise.

So I made a decision today to stop allowing them to guilt me into doing something that I barely recover from every time it happens–spending time with them. I know, I know, that sounds super harsh–but the thought of going and dealing with my dad and his ignorant comments and my stepmom who pretends to be interested in my life, but is really only interested in the things she wants to hear, gives me severe anxiety–to the point of panic attacks. It it ridiculous.

Today, my stepmom called. I debated on answering the phone. I didnt answer the phone last week because I wasn’t in a great place mentally. Today I was feeling a bit empowered due to counseling, so I answered the phone.  BAD FUCKING MOVE. Here is how the conversation went:

Her: Hi, how are you?

Me: fine.

Her: I called you last week. I left a message, but you didn’t call me back. I wanted to see if you guys wanted to come over last weekend, but I guess you didn’t.

Me: I know, 

Her: Well ok. Ummm, so your aunt and uncle will be in town this weekend and we are going to have a bbq, so if you guys would like to come over, you are more than welcome. 

Me: Ok–I will tell the kids. I am not going to be coming, but I will see if they want to.

Her: Oh, well ok then. Whatever. I guess if the kids care enough, have them call me and I will give them the details.

Me: ok.

Her: Are their phones back on? 

Me: Their phones have never been off.

Her: Oh, well I have tried calling them and I always get a disconnected message.

Me: Then you are not calling the right numbers because they  have never had their phones shut off.

Her: Oh, ok, well, I guess. I can’t imagine I have the wrong numbers, but whatever. Talk to you later. Bye.

And then she hung up.

Ummm—I am sorry. But “IF MY KIDS CARE ENOUGH”????  Are you fucking joking???  You do know the phone works two ways, right? And you do know they are fucking teenagers and young adults, right??  Family isn’t that important in their lives right now–sorry to burst your fucking rose colored bubble.  If they care enough. Fuck off.

Grrrrr–just reliving that conversation makes me want to punch a baby. I don’t know if you can hear the condescension when you read the conversation, but trust me, it is very much alive and well.

THIS—- THAT bullshit is why I stay away. This is why I plan on staying away for a while. I am done being treated like I am the asshole here. Or maybe I am the asshole. I am actually fine with that too.

But for once, this asshole is looking out for herself. I am sick of being manipulated and guilt-tripped into doing things I don’t want to do, cant fucking handle doing, and pretending it is all roses and puppies. It’s not. It never has been.

I realize my parents are of the school of thought that mental illness is not a real thing. I get it. But seriously—have you even been paying attention to who the fuck I am? Because if you had, even a small bit, you would realize there is something not quite right about my fucking brain.

But I digress. I know they don’t want to deal with my disorder. I know they don’t beleive it is a real thing–no matter how many times I have tried to explain it, or sent them links to websites about BPD. They hear and see what they want and don’t deal with the rest. Such is life.

I am moving on. I cannot and will not allow them to have this much power over my well-being anymore. I am allowed to take care of me–even at the expense of a relationship with my parents. Not like its ever been  healthy one to start with…. nor will it ever be. They are too stubborn and stuck in their ways—and I am too stubborn and fucking mental to be bothered anymore. And honestly, its not like they have been a good support system for me in my life–so why the fuck have I even wasted time feeling bad I wonder?

My life has to be about me  and I am sorry if other things have to fall by the wayside for a while….

Such is fucking life. Learn to deal. Away from me.