Never ending story….

And not in the Atreyu way….


So I have been on the trazodone for about 10 days now. I am absolutely not a fan.  I’ve decided that the reason a pill for insomnia works for mood stabilization is because one is NEVER FUCKING AWAKE TO HAVE A MOOD!!!!!!!!!

Seriously… I am a walking zombie anymore. Just when I finally got my sleeping patterns all nicely regulated, here comes the drug from hell.  Don’t get me wrong, I am more than willing to try new medications to keep my mood swings under control, but when the only effect I have from it is zombie-like fugues, I am no longer willing to continue this drug.   I will give it this; it definitely helps me sleep…..12 hours a day. But when I wake up from that coma, I am sluggish, slurry, and completely inadequate to handle the simplest of tasks–like walking, or talking, or standing upright. It’s ridiculous already.

So, yet again, I am taking myself off a medication without my doctors approval. I know, I know, you are not supposed to do that..blah, blah, blah….  But I have been in the medical field for 24 years, so I think I am a tiny bit qualified to know what my body can and cannot handle… And it cannot fucking handle this put me a in a coma and make me useless drug.

Plus, I am still having withdrawal symptoms from Zoloft. WTF???  I was told by doctor and pharmacist, that those should go away quickly since I am still taking a mood stabilizing med. Lies! All lies!!

When I move my eyes to the left, I get dizzy in my head and hear a strange rushing sound in my ears. It usually goes away quickly, but for the few seconds its happening, it makes me feel very unstable and a bit nauseous sometimes. Not a fan.

So now I guess another doctors appointment is in order, to change this shit yet again.  Man, I really need a shrink. I wish it wasn’t this hard to find one in this damn town!

Anyway…for now, I am medication free with the lovely withdrawal symptoms! Go me!

Going to go now and do a serious hunt for a psychiatrist. This shit has got to stop already!!

Thanks for listening as always!!!!!


Best comment ever!!!!

Today I noticed I had a comment from a secret admirer…..


After I read it, I knew who it was from and proceeded to sob like the big ol´ baby I am…   I wonder every day how I got so lucky…. 

My miracle…

19 years ago today, I gave birth to a 2 lb 14 oz baby girl. She was so small, she literally fit in one hand. She was born at 24 weeks, and I would never have thought that someday I would be celebrating her 19th birthday. It was all I could do to hope she would be in my life for one more hour….one more day….one more week….

Today she is healthy and amazing and one of my greatest joys. Whatever I did in my life–current or past—to deserve this girl in my life is beyond me…but damn if I am not grateful every single day.



There will never be enough words to convey to you the depth of my feelings. You make me so proud every single day of your life. You have grown up to be such a beautiful, caring, kind, loving, generous, giving, creative, compassionate, and funny young woman. You bring me joy like I have never known. Every day you make me laugh and every day I am inspired by you and your amazing way of seeing the world (even when I don’t agree). You are such a positive person, always seeing the best in things, and in people.

There are so many things in life that kind of suck, and so far you have faced all that have come your way with dignity and grace and never-ending tolerance. Your patience astounds me. You have such a good outlook on things–and that attitude will carry you far in your life.

On 19th celebration of your birth, I wish you nothing but joy in your life. I would wish you luck, but you have that in spades….

I am so grateful and blessed to be able to not only watch you on this journey, but participate as well. You are my heart and soul; you are my rock and my tether. You are also my daughter and my best friend. You make my life worth living.  I will never be able to express the magnitude of my feelings for you and I am beyond grateful that our relationship is what it is.

I love you more than words could ever convey….  Be healthy, wealthy and wise, my beautiful daughter!  And enjoy your birthday!!!

Love forever and always,


P.S. Thank you for choosing me.

Belly laughs rock!!!!!

A friend posted this on my Facebook page. I laughed so  hard I’m pretty sure I’ve developed a six pack…lol.

Do not eat or drink before reading. Whatever is in your mouth may become projectile from the random hilarity contained in this post. Bring tissue.

You’ve been warned.  Enjoy!!!!

New Directions

I have decided it is time for me to get in better shape. I am getting older and it is not going to get any easier, so while I should have started way back when, now is better than never.

First off, I HATE to exercise. I hate being sweaty. I hate not being able to breathe. I hate hearing my heart beat in my head. I know that is weird, but it is irritating as hell to me. So my first thought on getting in shape is finding something I don’t hate–and may actually come to enjoy. So I chose hiking. I live in the foothills of the mountains, so this is convenient and close. The trails up the mountain range from beginner to holy fuck I am going to die right here. So that gives me goals…

I went on my first hike on Saturday. I was fucking exhausted and I am pretty sure I saw my life flash before my eyes on the way to my death. It was only like 9am, and it was 1000 degrees. And I was covered in stupid irritating gnats. I hate bugs….on me. Especially gnats because they are EVERYWHERE.  Stupid little bastards.  So those annoying little beasts and the thousand degree sun made my first hike not so pleasant.  However, I am determined.

Today (monday), I got up at 630 am, before the sun had a chance to fire up the front of the mountain and went again.  The lack of heat, and bugs (YAY!) allowed me to double my distance from the other day. I thought that was pretty good considering it was only my second time. And seriously, the lack of sun and bugs makes a HUGE difference.

So my plan is this:

1. Go early in the morning before the fiery ball from hell gets up.

I think that is a pretty good plan. And since i get off work at 7am, I can go straight from work to the mountain, then come home and go to bed. At least until I get to the point the exercise is no longer exhausting me. Then I will rethink my strategy at that point. I do believe that point will take a while though.

Besides exercise, I probably need to start eating more. How silly is that? I want to get into shape, which will require losing some weight, and I need to eat more. The logic does not compute. It never has for me. I get the reasons–more in requires your body to constantly work instead of going into starvation mode. I logically get this. HOWEVER, you know I am absolutely not ruled by the logical brain, so eating MORE to lose weight is just so stupid sounding to me.

I don’t eat that much as it is. I am not a breakfast person. I cannot eat when I first get up, it makes me feel yucky. I usually eat about two hours after I get up, then I don’t eat again til dinner. So my caloric intake is usually about 1500 a day. Which should work if I add exercise. And start adding healthy snacks during the day. I can then cut my portions during my two actual meals in half which should allow for more snacking. Which may work for me. That way, by dinner time, I am not starving.

I also saw something online the other day that says to cut your portions the easy way, take what you would normally eat, put it on your plate, then cut it all in half. Take half and put it in a container for another meal, then eat what is left on your plate.   I think that makes sense, especially since I go out to eat often–I can just ask for a box at the beginning, put half my meal in there, and out of sight, out of mind……………till later.  Sounds like a plan.

Oh and if I could stop drinking freakin’ soda, I’d probably lose a whole person off my body in a week or so. Oh the curse of vices.

Anyway, I will keep you all posted on my progress. Having accountability to others should help. I hope. 🙂

Enjoy your week my friends!!!

New drugs. Going old school!

So, I figured I would update you all on how things are going in my life. I know it has been a virtual roller coaster of bullshit for the last few months, and because that seriously exhausts me, I decided I needed a break from things. Since then, a few things have happened–some good, some eh.

I finally got the doctor to change my medication from Zoloft, which is an antidepressant that was not longer working to trazodone. Oh yeah, I am going old school!!!  The reason’s for this is that I have come to the conclusion that an anti-psychotic may work much better for my issues than an antidepressant. Trazodone covers all the bases. It will help me get enough sleep (since being tired is a huge trigger for me). It should also help with my aggression issues, times of mania, depression, and hopefully will stabilize my mood swings.  High hopes here.

So he gave me 150 mg to start. I took this the first day and became the walking dead. It was WAY too much to start out–it made me super tired, confused, a bit slow reacting, slurred, and the dry mouth was of epic proportions. No bueno.

So, if you know anything about trazodone, the pills come scored in 50 mg triangles. This way, you can increase the dose if necessary by 50 mg at a time, so you don’t go overboard.  So I decided that since 150 mg is more of a maintenance dose, I needed to lower the dose and start out at 50, then work my way up to the 150 if necessary.  So this is what I did, and it worked out much better. No weird zombie side effects. Bonus.  So right now, I am on the 50 mg for a week, then I will pop it up to 100 mg for two weeks, then if necessary, do the full 150 mg at that point.

So lets cross our fingers and hope this helps. If not, its back to square one. UGH. I kind of hate square one. But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do to get my brain right….

So do any of you have experience with trazodone for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? I would love to hear your thoughts, opinions and stories…


Paranoia…or haunting? You be the judge!!


Lately my genre of reading has been leaning towards the supernatural. This is not actually new for me, as I love horror–books, movies, and stories. I especially like psychological horror–anything that deals with the mind or psyche is a winner in my book. Especially if it is based on reality or is made well enough that you believe something like that could really happen.  I always have. I have always been fascinated with the macabre. Once upon a time in my 20’s, I got completely addicted to serial killers. I read about them, I researched them, I watched any and every movie about them that I could get my hands on….. for about 18 months, I was absorbed and fascinated–wanting to get into their minds to understand why they think how they think and do what they do. The fact that a lot of serial murderers have been abused and/or neglected themselves fascinates me. Still does. In fact, I would love to know why some people split off  onto that type of path, while others don’t. Especially when they have experienced that same type of childhood. But I am getting off course here.

I have been reading ghost stories lately. Some based on reality, some made up, some just rather silly. Regardless, they all put me in a heightened state of mind for whatever reason. Which is weird, because they don’t scare me as much as enthrall me. I am not honestly all that sure that I believe in ghosts and the supernatural, but I’m also not sure that I don’t. I like to think my mind is open enough that if I experience it some day, then I will be a complete believer.

Which leads me to the reason I am writing this.

When I started my job, at a radiology company, one of the first things I was told was that the building we are housed in is haunted. The building itself is massive. It has the exposed pipe ceilings, so at night, in the dark it kind of gives off a creepy feeling. It does not bother me at all. I tend to wander around here in the complete darkness without a problem.  So because of my fascination for the supernatural, I had to find out why they thought that. One of my co-workers told me that he has seen two different things; a shadow of a man on the wall in the main hall from our area, and another shadow of a different man in another area of the building. He said they were different shadows because one had a hat on, the other did not. He also said the first one, by our main hall, moved along the wall as he walked, then moved up the wall and disappeared. He said he was completely freaked out both times. Now this man is in his 40’s, and he was dead serious when he told me this story. I can’t decide if I am inclined to believe him just yet.

Another co-worker has had more experiences than the others. He claims to have seen a female child wandering around the darkened hallways of the building. He states he never felt threatened by her, she would just stop and watch him until he said something to her–usually hello.  He also stated that he used to leave a piece of candy in one of the MRI rooms every night when he got to work, and when he would go check every morning, the candy would be gone.  Mind you, from 11pm-6am, there is only two people in this building–the radiologist who is reading exams, and the assistant.  This guy was the assistant before I started. He said he always assumed that the little girl would take the candy. Another thing he says used to happen is that around midnight, the two clocks in the main tech areas–which are down the hall from our area–would start going crazy. The hands on them would spin so fast that the whole clock face was a black blur. He said this happened two or three times a week. They would spin like this starting at midnight and stopping at ten minutes to six am. He said both clocks did this in sync with each other. He and the radiologist that worked with him, would each watch a clock to see if they stopped at the same time–which they always did. Always on the correct time of the morning. It wasn’t just a random stop. It always was ten til six am, he says.

Another interesting fact about those clocks is that they are across the building from each other, so the walls are not connected. My first thought was that there was something magnetic in them that had them both doing that. However, each tech area is about 150 ft apart and both clocks are on the outside wall–the one not connected to any of the rooms in between. Freaky, yes?!

I have been working here for 8 months now, and have seen nothing and have heard nothing. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I kind of want to, though I know if I do, I will be tripping every time I have to leave the office to do something in the building….lol.  So by now, you are probably wondering why I am even talking about this. Well, here is why.

Last night, I was working away, when I noticed a movement out of the corner of my eye. So I looked up at the camera monitor, since that is the only thing moving in that direction, and watched as the monitor scrolled through all the cameras in the building. On one of them, the one in the front lobby that faces out towards the parking lot, I noticed something odd.  Just a little backstory on that camera. It sits inside the lobby, but faces the parking lot. During the day you can see almost the entire parking lot, but at night, with the darkness outside and the night lights inside the lobby, it just reflects back onto the window, which acts as a blurry mirror–so I can see the backside of the lobby that the windows reflect at night, whereas I cannot see that during the day. Hopefully that makes sense.

Anyhoo, the night lights in the lobby illuminate the front lobby, though not in full light. So as I am looking in the monitor while the cameras are scrolling, and it finally comes to this camera that I speak of. The first thing I notice is that something is blinking. Unfortunately the shot only stays for 3 seconds then moves to the next one.  So not really sure of what I am seeing, I pull up the camera viewer on the computer. Now I can pick which camera view I want to see. So I pull up the camera in the lobby, and watch it for about three minutes. During this time, I see the light flicker–sometimes fast, other times slow, sometimes it stays off for a few seconds, other times it just blinked. WTF????   So being the brave girl I think I am, I grab the phone, tell my radiologist I am going to check something out and if I am not back in five minutes, go find me out front.

I went to the lobby, and stood in the entrance, not quite in there, but enough that I could see where those lights are. I stood there for  about four minutes……..the light blinked three times while I was there. Just one light. It went off, stayed dark for about 4 seconds, then came back on for about a minute. Then it blinked twice in a row, then stayed on the rest of the time. Of course, I am looking around for any other weird things happening, but saw nothing.  So I came back to the office and told my radiologist what was going on. We both stared at the camera for about five minutes or more but nothing happened. Then, just as he was turning back to his desk, the light blinked again. I yelled at him, he turned and just caught the end of it. So he kind of knows I am not tripping…haha.  Anyway, then I decided maybe it was the camera, so I pulled up multiple views of the other cameras in the lobby and the front entrance, to see if the light blinked again and if so, could I see it on another camera.    UNFORTUNATELY, the light stayed on the rest of the night. All this happened about 2am. I get off at 7am, so I was obsessively watching all the cameras for the blinking light. I got nothing.

When my co-worker came into work, I told him about it, wondering if maybe there was a short in that light. He told me that was impossible because of the kind of lights they were, and that if there was a short in one, there would be a short in all of them because they are all connected by one wire. There are 8 of them, in pairs across the entire lobby. I will post a pic below.

So yeah…..that happened. And tonight? Nothing!!!  Though I am kind of relieved because honestly, I would be totally freaked out….for a few different reasons. One, my brain is completely involved in ghost stories that I have been reading, and two, I have to work here–I don’t know if I am mentally capable of sharing my work-space with continuous freak outs about poltergeists in my building…haha!   Either way, I will keep you posted if anything else comes up.

It was the light on the right.....

It was the light on the right…..