Once Upon a Time…..

This is what I am watching right now. Regina (the evil queen) said something in the episode I am on that really resonated with me.  She said,

“When I thought of letting go of my anger, I felt like I was going to fly off the earth. I don’t even know who I am or what I would be without the anger”. I started bawling. Ridiculous right?  Well it really hit home because I feel exactly the same.

I have been angry my entire life. I have no idea what or where it even stems from anymore–but I know it is how I define who and what I am. I am the anger. I always have been.

My question is this. What happens if I let go of all the anger I have been holding onto my entire life? What will I be then?  My first thought is nothing. I am nothing without my fury. It is who I am. I don’t know anything else. I never have.

My second question is—–If I decided to let go of the anger, how in the fuck would I even do that. I feel like I need to exchange it for something else…but I dont know anything else, so how could that even be accomplished???????

I know people will just say to let it go and see what happens. BUT, what replaces it just thinking about letting it go………………..is fear. Sheer unadulterated terror.

Because it is who I am. Who I have always been.

Who and what am I without it??????????????????

I Didn’t Expect This

So it’s been a week since my boyfriend and his daughter left. I will say that I thought it would pretty easy—-however, what I got was completely the opposite of easy. I have literally cried myself to sleep every night since he left. Ugly ass crying. Crying that makes me dehydrated and wracked with convulsions. Crying that makes me feel like I cannot breathe. And it just doesn’t happen at night. I cry all the time–if someone even mentions anything about him or asks me how I am, I burst into tears. It is ridiculous.

I didn’t expect this.

I didn’t expect this incredible level of sadness. This sadness that overwhelms and inhabits every part of my universe. It sucks me in and I cannot escape. It permeates my entire being. If I  am not sad, I am angry. And then I am angry about being sad.And then after the anger leaves–there is nothing but sadness.

It is super frustrating.

BUT…………….. this is what I wanted, right? Yes and no.

Yes because I need him to grow up and become an adult. I need him to learn how to parent his daughter in a productive way. I need him to realize how big the burden is when you are the only one taking care of a family. I need him to realize how much pressure was on me all the time—to financially provide for everyone, to parent a broken child , to handle all the responsibilities of running a household and making sure everyone in it has what they need to live day to day.  I need him to learn to be my partner instead of another child.

And no, because I didn’t think I would miss him this much. I didn’t think that I would come home everyday and wish he was here—especially since I would get so irritated coming home knowing they were here.

It is sad to say–and probably very shitty—but I don’t miss his daughter. I just miss him.

To be totally, brutally honest, I don’t want to raise his daughter. He and her mother fucked that child up. She is a manipulative, sneaky, mean little girl. And it is not my burden to bear. Yes, I chose it when I chose him, but to be fair, I didn’t realize how fucked up she was.  And this entire time they have been here, I feel like I am paying for all of their mistakes–both with him and his daughter. And that is not what I was looking for when I found him again.

But it is what I got. And I cannot pay the price anymore.  As shitty as that may be–I have paid the price for too long. And now, he needs to fix it. He needs to fix his issues and his daughters.  If that doesn’t happen, then I have to live with the fact that I cannot be in his life…..

And that really sucks.

Hopefully with time, I will get over it. Or he will become what I need.

Either way, I just hope this sadness goes away soon….. because it is over-fucking-whelming.

 

 

 

Maybe I’m Paranoid….

So here is my dilemma. My boyfriend…or ex…or whatever the fuck we are right now has pissed me off. I know this is not new lately, but hear me out, then give me your opinion.

Right now he has three phones. Two Obama phones and the phone on my Verizon service that I pay for. He got the Verizon phone over a year ago…but then decided since he qualified for the Obama phone, he might as well take advantage of that so we could have a phone at home for emergencies. This happened about 10 months or so ago. It was all good.

recently, he has acquired a new Obama phone from the same people he got his original one from, but it has different number. We assumed they were going to disconnect the original, since the new one was a smart phone. Its been about three weeks and he still has both lines in service.

Here is my issue. This new phone, the smart phone, has a number on it and he has never bothered to give me that number. OK. Irritating, but we have lots going on, so maybe it just got caught up in the bullshit.

HOWEVER, I mentioned it the other day that I didn’t have the number on it. He said he thought I did, then changed the subject. I let it go. I figure he would give it to me if he wanted me to have it. He hasn’t.

A little backstory here real quick–he moved out last weekend and only took the Verizon phone and the new smart phone. He left the original phone here. No biggie.

Well, today he came to the house while i was at work and picked up the original Obama phone. Then he reset his Verizon phone because of some issues he was having with it. He called me to ask some questions about the set up after the reset—AND CALLED ME FROM THE ORIGINAL OBAMA PHONE.  Ummmmmm, what the fuck?

My first thought was this: why did you come all the way to my house–which is across fucking town from where you live now—to get that phone to call me on???  Why not just call me on the other phone you had in your possession???

My theory:  he doesn’t want me to know that number or anything about that phone so he can do what he wants on it and talk to who he wants without me being able to see anything on it. Since I can do that with the Verizon phone.

So my question to you. Am I just being paranoid?  

Let me know what you think.