So it’s been a week since my boyfriend and his daughter left. I will say that I thought it would pretty easy—-however, what I got was completely the opposite of easy. I have literally cried myself to sleep every night since he left. Ugly ass crying. Crying that makes me dehydrated and wracked with convulsions. Crying that makes me feel like I cannot breathe. And it just doesn’t happen at night. I cry all the time–if someone even mentions anything about him or asks me how I am, I burst into tears. It is ridiculous.
I didn’t expect this.
I didn’t expect this incredible level of sadness. This sadness that overwhelms and inhabits every part of my universe. It sucks me in and I cannot escape. It permeates my entire being. If I am not sad, I am angry. And then I am angry about being sad.And then after the anger leaves–there is nothing but sadness.
It is super frustrating.
BUT…………….. this is what I wanted, right? Yes and no.
Yes because I need him to grow up and become an adult. I need him to learn how to parent his daughter in a productive way. I need him to realize how big the burden is when you are the only one taking care of a family. I need him to realize how much pressure was on me all the time—to financially provide for everyone, to parent a broken child , to handle all the responsibilities of running a household and making sure everyone in it has what they need to live day to day. I need him to learn to be my partner instead of another child.
And no, because I didn’t think I would miss him this much. I didn’t think that I would come home everyday and wish he was here—especially since I would get so irritated coming home knowing they were here.
It is sad to say–and probably very shitty—but I don’t miss his daughter. I just miss him.
To be totally, brutally honest, I don’t want to raise his daughter. He and her mother fucked that child up. She is a manipulative, sneaky, mean little girl. And it is not my burden to bear. Yes, I chose it when I chose him, but to be fair, I didn’t realize how fucked up she was. And this entire time they have been here, I feel like I am paying for all of their mistakes–both with him and his daughter. And that is not what I was looking for when I found him again.
But it is what I got. And I cannot pay the price anymore. As shitty as that may be–I have paid the price for too long. And now, he needs to fix it. He needs to fix his issues and his daughters. If that doesn’t happen, then I have to live with the fact that I cannot be in his life…..
And that really sucks.
Hopefully with time, I will get over it. Or he will become what I need.
Either way, I just hope this sadness goes away soon….. because it is over-fucking-whelming.