So my assignment this week was to write my dad and stepmom an email and explain to them what was happening in my life and why I am taking very much needed space from them…
I thought it would be easy.
The guilt it produced pretty much overwhelmed me. I ended up crying for hours after I sent it…. I hated that part. Thank GOD I have counseling on Tuesday to work through that bullshit.
I have been trying to figure out why it produced so much guilt, when the bottom line is that they trigger me the very most and make me cycle so much. They put me in such a shitty place in my head and all I do is self-bash for days after I see them…. I know it is for my own mental well-being that I take space from them…yet it made me feel so bad. Like I am disappointing them.
Which I do all the time, so why should this time produce so much guilt on my part? I have spent my entire life disappointing my dad and stepmom… it’s nothing new. Nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for them—so you’d think that me taking time to work on myself and my issues would be a good thing, right? UGH!
Regardless, I guess I will figure it out on Tuesday. For now I will set it aside and focus on my life and the fact that I managed to do my homework assignment–especially since I haven’t been too good at following through on my others ones… oops.