A Little Shocked…

So I went to counseling yesterday–it had been a couple weeks due to the holiday– and surprisingly, I didn’t have much to talk about. No situations, no outbursts, no agitation worth mentioning, etc. It was kind of weird. Usually if I do have issues come up, I tamp it down until counseling and then vomit it all over my counselor.  This time was different.

So we decided to focus on my successes in the last couple months. My job was to come up with stuff that I would have done in the past and reacted badly or emotionally or overreacted to, that I haven’t done that with. At first it was hard, because I am not used to saying good things about myself, but as I got going, I actually came up with quite a few scenarios that, in the past, I would have lost my damn mind, but in the present, I dealt with like a normal person.  Weird.

Regardless, we listed them on the board and I took a picture of them to remind myself that I am making progress even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

Here is my list.

  1. Decrease in catastrophic thinking
  2.  A molehill = a molehill
  3. Haven’t lost my temper in weeks–which means my guilt/shame cycle has decreased
  4. Recognized and taken space when needed
  5. Keeping my boundaries clear and sticking to them
  6. Practiced self-care–taken time for just me, not just when I am anxious
  7. Decreased self-judgement
  8. Have not experienced guilt from changing plans
  9. Planned events and gone without having anxiety build-up to make me cancel.

So this may not seem like a lot to most people who don’t have BPD, social anxiety or regular anxiety issues, but to me, who has all that, it is a HUGE deal.

I liked the reminder that regardless of setbacks–which I still have weekly or more–that I am doing so much more than I ever have and I am so much more in control than I have ever been..  its crazy.

For the first time in a long fucking time, I can honestly, sincerely say that I am proud of myself.  Who’d a thunk it??!

Go me!


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