Sometimes it takes reminding about how good you really have it in your life. I had that reminder this weekend. Before I get into that, let me tell you how other things have been going…
So as you know, I have been doing really good with my medications and my counseling. I have become some kind of “normal”, or stable as it were. I have been keeping my emotions in check, I have been keeping my anger in check, I haven’t lost my temper on anyone–mostly–in about a month and a half or so now. I am doing pretty well.
However, I had a setback a couple weeks ago. We had company in town and they stayed with us for five days. First of all, five days is too long for anyone to stay with anyone as far as I am concerned. It takes a toll on all involved. I think the limit should be three days.
Regardless, I managed to get through that week with no flip outs, violence, or agitation for the most part. I was however, running on high anxiety the entire time. I controlled it pretty well though—while our company was there.
As soon as they left, I kind of lost it. I couldn’t handle life. I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t figure out why I was not able to handle shit. I know in my right mind I have the tools for these types of situations, but for the life of me, I could not figure out what they were or how to use them. I was devastated. All I could think was how far I had come and now it was all over and I was back to square one.
In reality, that was not the case, obviously, but in my stupid BDP mind, everything is a fucking catastrophe and when I couldn’t handle one little thing, my cycles took over and overwhelmed me completely. I isolated for three days until I could get to counseling.
THANK GOD FOR COUNSELING!!
I walked in and immediately burst into tears. I told her what was happening and that I was so overwhelmed and anxious and agitated that I just couldn’t get it together and I felt like I had taken 20 steps back. I was so disappointed in myself for forgetting all that I had learned and I couldn’t stop the self-bashing that I tend to go to when my cycles are in full effect. UGH.
She reminded me that this will happen. That I will never be able to get rid of these cycles because of the disorder I have. She reminded me that there is not a cure for BPD, and that I will have small, SMALL set-backs that my BPD will make gigantic. She reminded me that this was a small incident and while I may not have handled it like I thought I should have, I did have some good accomplishments even while I was in the throes of it: I didn’t lash out at anyone. I didn’t break anyone or anything. I didn’t take my agitation out on anyone around me. I was lucid enough to remember to take myself out of the situation and just sit with it, even though it was horrible and overwhelming and intense. I did not wish I was dead. I somehow remembered through all of that that I will find a way out.
So there’s those things.
It makes me so angry and sad and frustrated that I will never be rid of my BPD cycles. I hate that I will always have those times in my life where I feel so out of control that I no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hate that I will always have to be completely conscious of my actions and behavior to make sure I don’t involve anyone else unnecessarily in the drama that is my BPD.
But, such is my life. Such is the nature of the BPD beast.
I can and will do what I have to do to keep maintaining my “normal”, even with the setbacks. Again, such is my life.
Ok, so back to my original point—my friend came to town this weekend and was really impressed with my boyfriend and all he is and does for me. She told me I was lucky to have him in my life. I agree.
Sometimes I forget what an amazing guy he is and how much he does for me on a daily basis that I just take for granted. For example, we went fishing the other night and on the way home we stopped at McDonald’s for a late dinner. I had called my son to see if he wanted anything–which he did—but then proceeded to forget to get his burgers . Got home, realized I had forgotten and felt like an asshole. Choney, on the other hand, jumped up, drove to McDonald’s and got my son his burgers. He is awesome. Seriously, how many guys would do that? Mine for sure. I love him.
Anyway, sometimes it takes an outsider to remind you what you have in your life….
I thank my friend for reminding me what I have in mine.