I Did a Thing…

So…as the title insinuates, I did a thing. That thing was letting Choney and his daughter move back into my house after three months of them being gone. I did this for a few reasons—-the main being that I love this man and I cannot stand to not have him in my life.

It took a while to decide to make this decision. I actually thought about all sides–inside, outside, upside, downside, etc,etc for quite a bit of time. I wrote down pros and cons. I talked to people I trust (mostly my therapist) and with my non-emotional mind I came to the conclusion that I liked my life much better with them in it than out of it. Even though we have had some pretty serious issues in the past.

I am ready, and willing, to let go of a lot of stuff that I was holding onto. Petty, stupid, insignificant, selfish shit. I decided it was time to dump my baggage and move forward.

So far, its working. Mostly. I am finding that some things are harder to let go of than others…. But I guess that is okay right? I mean, it will always be that way. I am conscientiously working on letting them go, so that is a good thing.  I am also very mindful of my behavior and attitude and words. I am learning to think before I speak and learning that when I speak, I can do so in a way that is not rude or condescending or too blunt. Because my boyfriend is a bit sensitive and tends to take things personally. So I have to be mindful of his feelings. I guess that is what relationships are about, huh?

We have worked out the financial aspect of our lives and that was a big issue previously. We are both good with our decision regarding that.

One of the biggest issues was me. I wanted him to be a man, yet I never allowed him to actually fulfill that role in my life. I am used to doing things on my own, in my own way, and on my own time. It was hard to let go of that control and allow another to be a part of my life that way. But I am doing pretty good.  So I allow him to make his own —decisions, I allow him to make his own mistakes—–all of this without condemning or judging him. It is new for me.

I was a really shitty person. I was mean and cruel and just an asshole. I would like to say it was because I was unmedicated and uncontrolled, but that is not all of the reason. It is part of it, sure, but at the end of the day, I just realized how much anger, bitterness and resentment I was holding onto from the past–both with him and with others. And seriously, what good did any of that do me?  I was so scared that he was going to leave me and whatnot, I ended up pushing him to do just the thing I was terrified of. THAT is definitely part of my disorder, but it is also my own ignorance.

I realize now that the only person I can control is me—-and I also realize because of my BPD, I will not always be able to control me. I can use my tools though. I am very conscious of my behavior now and I know when i need to take some time/space away from everyone.  Unfortunately, this is a hard concept for a child to grasp. She doesn’t understand why I want/need alone time. She has never had that in her life, so she doesn’t appreciate or get it. Such is life. I will just have to keep explaining it to her so she does eventually get it.

Regardless–I am doing better this time. I think. Sometimes I have to just shut my mouth and talk myself out of saying that sarcastic comment. That is hard. I have never censored or stopped myself from saying what is in my brain. But, again, I guess that is part of making a relationship work? Tact. Ugh.

Anyway, I just wanted to get all this out of my head–because tonight is not a great night for me. I am feeling super anxious and agitated. So I have gone to my room to read my book. And do a blog, obviously.

Thanks for listening.





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