So the other night, I had a dream that my daughter died. Ummmm. Worst. Dream. Ever. I don’t recall how she died, all I can remember (and not fucking forget) is how devastated and destroyed I was. The emotion from her dying in my dream was the most intense, painful, heartbreaking, broken feeling I have ever had. I woke up from the dream sobbing. And I don’t mean just sobbing–I mean ugly ass, hyperventilating, snot running everywhere type of crying. I cried for about 20 minutes straight, then fell back to sleep. Super weird.
But the reason I am even mentioning this is because since then, every time the thought of that feeling crosses my mind, I break down into the ugly crying again. I cannot control it. It is like I am feeling it all over again.
If this is what having a child die feels like, then it better never happen while I am alive. And my whole heart goes out to those who have had this happen. I. literally. Can’t. Even.
I even looked up what those types of dreams mean. What I found was that they are supposed to be you (the dreamer) mourning the loss of some type of situation with the person who died. It doesn’t mean actual death, but more of the death of a current life you are living with that person. Perhaps they are getting ready to travel a new path in their life that will alter the way you interact with this person or change the way you live with them now. Say a child going off to college, or the military, or a marriage, or whatever.—-A big life changing event.
Unfortunately, that did not help my emotional circus that was happening after the dream.
I immediately sent my daughter a message reminding her how much I love and cherish and am proud of all she is, was, and will ever be. It made me stop and rethink our relationship and realize that I need more interaction with her while she is still in my house—
Because one day she will move on with her life. And holy crap–emotionally for me? That sucks.
Today me and my daughter have a date! Yay!