So, that’s how it ends…

So as you know, I had a recent situation at work where I had a little issue with an MRI machine. I finally got sick of the questioning and the waiting, so I point blank asked my supervisor whether or not my job was in jeopardy….I really felt I had a right to know and since nobody else was forthcoming, what could it hurt, right?!

So her answer was no. To her knowledge, my job was not in jeopardy and the reason for this is because every one of my docs came to my defense. It was nice to hear that they trust me and have my back like that. It makes me feel good. However, it also makes me feel bad, because this is not a job I foresee having for the duration………..and I know they haven’t always had the best of luck with the night people since the original night guy went to days. So that kind of sucks, but it is what it is. They are smart guys, I am going to assume they realize my skills would be better utilized somewhere else. I am bored out of my damn skull every night…and while I like the down time, especially after my last job, I need to get off my ass and find something that stimulates me a bit more…and allows me to sleep like a regular person again.

At least I am still employed. And they have restricted access to the rooms with the expensive machines (which they should have done in the first place if you ask me) to certain personnel. If an alarm goes off now, and we hear it, we don’t have the option of silencing it….our only option is to make a phone call…..    They have also decided to have regular training classes on how the machines work and the risks, as well as safety procedures, associated with them for all staff. Since the MRI machines can blow the walls out of the entire building, I think that is a good idea. But maybe that’s just me.

So something good came out of it………….

 

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I didn’t push the button…..

I work in a radiology facility. We do x-rays, CT scans, ultrasounds, MRI scans and mammograms. I work nights…with the radiologists, who read all the radiography films from all the ER’s in the state for a certain hospital group. No biggie. It’s an easy job, nothing much happens on my shift, which is graveyard.

Until last week. It is monsoon season here in New Mexico, and with that comes fabulous thunder and lightening and some rain..  Well, last thursday it was storming and right in the middle of that, we had a random power surge/outage. What was weird about this was that not all the power went out…only random spots: the computers on one side of our workspace, the camera monitors in our area, the parking lot lights, and different parts of the building. Because of this, some of the machines alarms started going off.

Now in a normal day, this is probably not a big deal….however, in the dead of night, when all is quiet, you can hear everything–like it is right next to you–regardless of where in the building it is.  After this happened, there was a supremely annoying alarm going off in the MRI area. So I wandered around the building checking things and making sure there weren’t any issues with anything else. When I got to the MRI area, the alarm was ear peircing (at least to my ears–I don’t deal with high pitched sounds well), so I hit the “system off” button to silence the alarm. This worked, even though I had to hit it a couple times and then go back a couple hours later to do it again as it had restarted its alarming.

WELL……what I didn’t know, what nobody had ever told me, was that if ANYTHING goes wrong with the machines in the building, we are supposed to make a phone call to a certain person, and not touch anything. Sounds fair, right? Well that would have been all well and good had I KNOWN this at some point!!!!

The only alarm I have ever been told about is the fire alarms…and only that if they go off, we had to do something in the breaker room (i have this written down somewhere). That is it. That is all I have ever been told about.  So when a random alarm goes off in the building and I don’t believe it is life threatening in any way, my common sense tells me to go make it stop.  So that is what I did.

On this machine there is also a giant red stop button. An emergency shut off button. That you push in an EMERGENCY. Do you see a pattern here? Giant red EMERGENCY stop button…that you push in an actual EMERGENCY.

 

Well, I think (I don’t know anymore though) that I am smart enough to know that a random alarm going off after a power outage is not technically that much of an emergency; there was no smoke, fire or odd smell of any sort.  But I guess I was wrong.

So stopping that machine resulted in a quench. A quench in an MRI machine is bad. All the liquid turns to gas and gets sucked out a hole or something so whatever is happening in the room does not explode or something. You can find an intelligent definition of a quench here.  Regardless, fixing this issue is a $100,000 +  repair by GE. Who knew?

HOWEVER–only pushing the RED stop button makes that happen they say.  I only pushed the blue button that says “system off”.  The red stop button is surrounded by a plastic lid with a sealed sticker. Which would mean that I would have to actually break the seal, lift the lid and push the red button in. WHICH I DID NOT DO.

My superiors think otherwise………

I may lose my job over this. A very costly mistake, that had I been shown/trained/discussed regarding, would not have happened.  I will keep you posted…

UGH.  Thanks for listening. Just needed to vent that out.

Somebody Likes Me!!!

 

I was nominated for a blogger award–a surprising one actually– vibaward

There a few reasons I am surprised. First reason is that I write for me…I don’t write for anyone else. I also don’t censor often and I know that offends people more often than not. Also, my stuff does not feel inspiring at all. It just feels cathartic. Which I guess could be translated into inspiring. Recently I was reblogged for the first time and that was awesome…and surprising too.

Stu nominated me for this blog. He is a recovering porn addict who found God—which makes it even more surprising that he nominated me, especially considering I don’t believe in one deity nor am I religious in any way, shape or form. Plus I do spout a lot of negative shit sometimes.  I am honored that he can see past that to my struggles and strength. In his nomination he said this:

That’s Ron To You for the bravery it takes to speak your mind without fear or worry what others say or think. Also for her strength in carrying on.

I won’t lie, that made me a bit emotional…..   Thanks Stu!!!!!   You can find his blog here—> Something to Stu Over.

So there are rules when accepting a blog award. You know me and rules…hahaha. Luckily, I’ve grown up and mostly follow all the rules now, so I won’t go astray on this one…

Here are the rules

  1. Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.  (CHECK)
  2. List the rules and display the award.(CHECK)
  3. Share seven facts about yourself. (UGH–but CHECK)
  4. Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated. (CHECK)
  5. Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you. (CHECK)

 

So bonus–I actually knocked out three of the rules before I even posted them!! How much do I rock tonight?!

Seven Facts about me:  this should be easy, except for the fact that I am an over-sharer and I’ve probably already covered most of these…lol.  Let’s call it a refresher instead… 🙂

  1. I am an electronic book hoarder. Just found out my Kindle will only hold 1824 books. So now I have to move them to the cloud to make room for more.  Hey, it’s not my fault–they are free. Who can pass up free? Not me, my friends, not me.
  2. When I clean my left ear with a Qtip, I gag. Only my left ear. Every single time. It’s ridiculous. So I tend to pour hydrogen peroxide in there first and let it foam then I can clean it fast. I am not a fan of the gagging.
  3. There is nothing in the world I hate more than cleaning the bathroom. Mind you, I LOVE a clean bathroom…but I am (sadly) willing to put up with a little filth so I don’t have to clean it. I really, really, really, really hate it.  And it’s the top job my kids can bargain with. I do keep the toilet clean though. Let’s not get grody, shall we?
  4. I am not a huge fan of chocolate. The only time I eat it is the week before my period–and then only if caramel is involved. I heart the caramel…. Mmmm. Caramel.  (picture me drooling like Homer Simpson)
  5. I was excommunicated from the Mormon church when I was 18…and it may possibly be my proudest moment, aside from the birth of my children….
  6. I don’t have  a single birth mark on my body.
  7. It takes about 6 months for me to grow enough hair under my arms to make shaving the pits worth my time.  I am blessed.

Okay, there you have it. Seven random facts about me. And I don’t think I repeated any from previous postings–maybe the ear thing, but that is just too weird not to repeat…

In the words of Ace Ventura, alrighty then. I have made it to the nominating others part. WOOT!  This is hard actually since I haven’t been very vigilant in keeping up on my blog reading. UGH. So here we go! Some of these aren’t wordpress bloggers, but they are still amazing!

  1. People I Want to Punch in the Throat:  One of the funniest blogs I have ever read. She is so straight forward and her humor comes through in spades. Reading her blogs has actually made me forcefully eject liquid from my mouth as I burst out in spontaneous laughter.  She is awesome!
  2. Rubber Shoes in Hell: Michelle writes about real life and I swear she is a sitcom with all the funny that happens here.
  3. Joeyfullystated:  Again with the funny–she has it all!! And she is a great support. Go follow her!
  4. WhichWayNow 101:  A blogging traveler. Love to read about her adventures and live vicariously.
  5. Musings From a Tangled Mind:  just good shit here!
  6. Knocked Over by a Feather: the honesty here is amazing!
  7. Mental in the Midwest:  I love the real life stuff…
  8. Not a Punk rocker: First off, the Ramones (anti)reference rocks–and she is just funny and super supportive.
  9. The Bloggess: I am not worthy! Amazeballs going on here.
  10. A Buick in the Land of Lexus: Samara is my blog sista from anotha mista. You think I am blunt? Go check her out! She is my hero in the land of blog. I love, love, love her stuff! No filter on this one. My fave.
  11. Fisticuffs and Shenanigans: Short, sweet, to the point. And fantastically funny!
  12. Ned’s Blog:  He is famous and stuff! 🙂  And funny to boot. Did you doubt this? I am all about the funny.
  13. Long Awkward Pause: So many funnies…so little time.
  14. Eclectic Odds n Sods:  Because she is funny, a fantastic photographer and one of my biggest supporters. She rocks!
  15. Farmer Farthing:  Because she makes me laugh and her family is great fodder!

Whew!  That was harder than it looks….there are so many great, amazing, hilarious bloggers, choosing is quite the chore.  These are not in any particular order either.

So now, I guess it goes on from here!  Thanks all you buys for making my  life and my journey so much better than it would have been alone……….

MUAH!

 

 

Venturing into new waters….

So what do you do when you meet someone new (that’s kind of like a rap right there) and you are kind of into them, but you have the horrible task of having to tell them you have some uhhh……….issues.  Mental or otherwise.  And how the hell do you even approach something like this…???

This is a new one for me. I will tell you it terrifies me. I have been talking to a new guy for a few days now…and I was kind of evasive about my blogging and whatnot, but finally decided to just jump in with both feet and direct him to my deepest darkest secret blog world…  which may or may not have given me a slight anxiety attack.

BUT, I figured this—–if he reads all my innermost thoughts, and he runs for the hills screaming, wondering why him..then it’s probably a good thing he is gone, right???  Right.  Because I don’t need, can’t have, will not deal with someone in my life who cannot accept and/or support my journey.  Though I would never expect them to jump right in right away before they even know if they like me…

However, if they do read all my brain vomit and still stick around to see if things work out into something, this is good. I think.  No, it is good. I will not doubt that. Shut your face, brain. Stop doubting me. Geez. I got this.

Where the problem lies is trying to explain to someone new how exactly my emotional roller coaster is fueled. I mean, I can totally keep it together in public, and even in private………..until they inspire some sort of feeling. Then I am screwed. Because I cannot control the triggers that caring for someone brings……….especially when I am not on good medication. Bad. Bad. Bad.

So my conundrum is this………do I tell them upfront or let them figure it out on their own as they go along??  Oooooh forget it, I just answered my own question.

I will tell them up front and hope for the best. That’s the right thing to do. And I have to do the right thing. We know what happens when I don’t. Yikes!

After all, I have more to gain than I have to lose……

 

 

July is…..

Hey! I remembered to do a month post. And at the beginning of the month even. Virtual high five, yo! Ok, so lets see what randomness July is….

 

 

 

 

 

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Ok, so this one isn’t technically a month…put I am down for five days of patron…regardless!!!

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The rest of us are just screwed for this month……….

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Get your bitches fixed, yo!

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Now, if I only had propane, I’d so be down with this one…..daily.

This might be the greatest nation month of anything ever...

This might be the greatest nation month of anything ever…

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Does this refer to an actual hot dog or a weinie dog?? If it’s a regular ball park, I’d say hooray since its national grilling month too! Bonus!!!

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Seriously? Is this even a real thing? I guess it’s like gay pride month…but umm…not. Straight pride!!!! ((bumps chest))

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Its summer!! You need new hobbies if you are bored…get the hell outta the house…Sheesh!

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Cheeeese!

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That sounds a bit fruity!

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I’m down!

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Big fan of this..its totally kosher.

adfsgbhg bvc ewewe ewrewrwer fadsgh fffff ffffffff fgdhjh ghytfd ju wqqq wwww

 

What level of hell is this??

What level of hell is this???  This is the question I keep asking myself every other minute lately.  I still don’t have an answer.

My life is like Murphy’s law this year. I am still waiting for something good to happen…..just to counteract all the bullshit. It doesn’t even need to be big….just something that makes me remember why in the hell I am still standing upright.  Because seriously…all I want to do is lay down and go to sleep until it is over……

I shouldn’t be surprised though. Even numbered years have never really been my best ones. I tend to be an odd kind of girl… Shocking, right?

So besides being ridiculously, irrationally, frustratingly angry lately, I am beyond exhausted. I honestly cannot remember when I was this tired every single minute of every single day.

My kids went out of town five weeks ago. I have had to deal with all six of my animals alone. This is not an easy task…especially when the two canines are not very well trained….and the potential to fight is always around the next corner. Vigilance is a must.  To be honest, they have actually done pretty well considering how stressed out I have been–they tend to run off my emotions…and we all know my emotions are fucking jacked. Especially lately with the medication change issues.

Two of my cats have been gone for weeks…longer than ever before. No matter what circumstances  their reality  is right now….I will only believe they have found nice dog-free homes for themselves where they are free to roam the house at will and get loves whenever they want…  I will absolutely not entertain any other option there.

My fish is lucky to get fed on a regular schedule….

So during all this time that my  kids have been gone…much drama ensues. The whole medication thing with me is the culprit behind my not dealing with any of this shit well. I finally just took myself of the trazodone because I was not having fun being a zombie… and leaving my dogs to fend for themselves 24 hours a day whether I was there or not was really not working out for anyone.

So going through all the sertraline withdrawals–which STILL aren’t gone and its been a month now—and now the trazodone bullshit, I am useless. Seriously, seriously useless.  And for whatever reason, I tend to want to make life changing decisions when my brain is on vacation….  Like do I have something to prove? And to who?  I swear I am too stupid to live sometimes.

Anyway…I took Whiskey to get neutered last week…. This was a really bad idea while my kids were gone.  Really, really bad. I dont have people in my life that can just drop everything to watch my dogs…and because I work nights, and he had to wear a giant cone, he couldn’t be crated… So i had to leave him out of his crate while I was gone. And him and the cone proceeded to become friends with motive…rather than it distracting him like it should have. Damn these smart dogs. I swear my next animal will be required to be as stupid as possible.

Anyway, this went south very quickly. Long story short, he managed to lick a giant hole in his ball sack………which I cannot afford to have re-sewn shut. So luckily, I have a great vet, who saw him for free (they didnt do the neuter) and gave me medication to sedate him enough to allow him to let me get to his sack to clean and put medication on it, as well as allow him to sleep more than be awake so he wont mess with it….  So right now, my puppy is home knocked the fuck out on my bed… and I feel like the shittiest person on the planet.

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This is not normal. In any way, shape or form. Poor puppy.

The fact that I allowed this to happen ramps up my guilt to levels I have no clue how to rein in, much less control.  And if you know me or have been following my blog since my mental illness reared its piece of shit ugly ass head to take over my life, you will know that this puts me in a cycle of bullshit that I have no clue how to contain. So I sit and cry. A lot. Which dehydrates me. Which makes me stupider than getting off antidepressant meds do……..and because I feel like I have to be hyper-aware of what my dog is doing at all times, I have yet to sleep more than three or four hours a day for the last two weeks………..minus the day I took 150 mg of trazodone with a muscle relaxer and put myself in a coma for 14 hours…….and still didn’t get a lick of rest. No pun intended…

FUCK MY LIFE.  Seriously.

I cannot even summon the anger today……..I am so beyond exhausted.  But I have made some decisions. I know they are the right ones, but they make me so sad…

I am getting rid of my boxer pup. In the three months we have had him, its been really hard. The fighting amongst him and Koda has been the most stressful thing ever………the injuries that resulted were worse. And it never seems to end. Even the way they play is too close to fighting for comfort for all of us. I know that my dogs run off my moods and emotions….I KNOW THIS.  When my kids were little, they used to do the same thing………they still do it to an extent now. So I know how this works. I have experienced it firsthand multiple times in multiple ways………its not like its just heresay. I’ve lived it.

Yet, when the dogs play in the rough growling way they do, my stress levels spike to dangerous levels. I need like a tornado warning in my brain…. something to tell me when my anxiety has hit the red-zone and it is time to evacuate.

So besides that, Koda is a spoiled ass, high anxiety, very dominant animal. She always has been. She is just that dog. Whiskey on the other hand, is a laid back, go with the flow, absolutely non-dominant boy. Or at least he was. Koda is ruining him, and I don’t know how to stop it……….so I have to get him someone and somewhere that will nip that in the bud and get him back to the amazing animal he has the potential to be.   He is super smart, super loving, super fun… as a single dog. Put him next to my high strung dingo and he is getting ruined. And I dont want to live with that guilt.

So the best thing for him…and for my other animals, is to give him a chance to be who he can be somewhere else. I just dont have it in me to deal with retraining Koda to not be a bitch, and training and socializing Whiskey to be the good dog he will be without us.  It’s the right thing to do for him…………..but damn if it isn’t hard as fuck.

I cannot stop crying anymore. Every time I think about giving him up, I cry. Every time I think about keeping him, I cry. All I do is cry. Soon I will have to build an ark.

On another note…I finally found a therapist. Kind of. I don’t know if I will ever see her, as my appt has been rescheduled twice now…but I have managed to see the doctor in her office and he put me on a prozac (god bless this amazing drug) and zyprexa combo.  Or it would be a combo if my insurance would pay for the zyprexa……  However, as much as I need the zyprexa, I am okay with just starting off with the prozac. I love prozac. Out of all the drugs I have ever been on (and it has been many), prozac was always my favorite..and it worked the best……..minus the fact that my body got tolerant very quickly.  I haven’t actually been on it in over 10 years…so maybe I can maintain it for about five from here forward. Cross your fingers.  And if the zyprexa gets approved, I am on the road to some good control….  again, cross your fingers.

Anyhoo…as I reread this, I see my thoughts are a bit scattered. So I will stop here or it will get really crazy….  without sleep, my head loses its way…….and that never ends well.

I think I will go write some poetry. It helps me focus better……

Have a lovely 4th of July weekend……..be safe!!!!!