What level of hell is this??? This is the question I keep asking myself every other minute lately. I still don’t have an answer.
My life is like Murphy’s law this year. I am still waiting for something good to happen…..just to counteract all the bullshit. It doesn’t even need to be big….just something that makes me remember why in the hell I am still standing upright. Because seriously…all I want to do is lay down and go to sleep until it is over……
I shouldn’t be surprised though. Even numbered years have never really been my best ones. I tend to be an odd kind of girl… Shocking, right?
So besides being ridiculously, irrationally, frustratingly angry lately, I am beyond exhausted. I honestly cannot remember when I was this tired every single minute of every single day.
My kids went out of town five weeks ago. I have had to deal with all six of my animals alone. This is not an easy task…especially when the two canines are not very well trained….and the potential to fight is always around the next corner. Vigilance is a must. To be honest, they have actually done pretty well considering how stressed out I have been–they tend to run off my emotions…and we all know my emotions are fucking jacked. Especially lately with the medication change issues.
Two of my cats have been gone for weeks…longer than ever before. No matter what circumstances their reality is right now….I will only believe they have found nice dog-free homes for themselves where they are free to roam the house at will and get loves whenever they want… I will absolutely not entertain any other option there.
My fish is lucky to get fed on a regular schedule….
So during all this time that my kids have been gone…much drama ensues. The whole medication thing with me is the culprit behind my not dealing with any of this shit well. I finally just took myself of the trazodone because I was not having fun being a zombie… and leaving my dogs to fend for themselves 24 hours a day whether I was there or not was really not working out for anyone.
So going through all the sertraline withdrawals–which STILL aren’t gone and its been a month now—and now the trazodone bullshit, I am useless. Seriously, seriously useless. And for whatever reason, I tend to want to make life changing decisions when my brain is on vacation…. Like do I have something to prove? And to who? I swear I am too stupid to live sometimes.
Anyway…I took Whiskey to get neutered last week…. This was a really bad idea while my kids were gone. Really, really bad. I dont have people in my life that can just drop everything to watch my dogs…and because I work nights, and he had to wear a giant cone, he couldn’t be crated… So i had to leave him out of his crate while I was gone. And him and the cone proceeded to become friends with motive…rather than it distracting him like it should have. Damn these smart dogs. I swear my next animal will be required to be as stupid as possible.
Anyway, this went south very quickly. Long story short, he managed to lick a giant hole in his ball sack………which I cannot afford to have re-sewn shut. So luckily, I have a great vet, who saw him for free (they didnt do the neuter) and gave me medication to sedate him enough to allow him to let me get to his sack to clean and put medication on it, as well as allow him to sleep more than be awake so he wont mess with it…. So right now, my puppy is home knocked the fuck out on my bed… and I feel like the shittiest person on the planet.
The fact that I allowed this to happen ramps up my guilt to levels I have no clue how to rein in, much less control. And if you know me or have been following my blog since my mental illness reared its piece of shit ugly ass head to take over my life, you will know that this puts me in a cycle of bullshit that I have no clue how to contain. So I sit and cry. A lot. Which dehydrates me. Which makes me stupider than getting off antidepressant meds do……..and because I feel like I have to be hyper-aware of what my dog is doing at all times, I have yet to sleep more than three or four hours a day for the last two weeks………..minus the day I took 150 mg of trazodone with a muscle relaxer and put myself in a coma for 14 hours…….and still didn’t get a lick of rest. No pun intended…
FUCK MY LIFE. Seriously.
I cannot even summon the anger today……..I am so beyond exhausted. But I have made some decisions. I know they are the right ones, but they make me so sad…
I am getting rid of my boxer pup. In the three months we have had him, its been really hard. The fighting amongst him and Koda has been the most stressful thing ever………the injuries that resulted were worse. And it never seems to end. Even the way they play is too close to fighting for comfort for all of us. I know that my dogs run off my moods and emotions….I KNOW THIS. When my kids were little, they used to do the same thing………they still do it to an extent now. So I know how this works. I have experienced it firsthand multiple times in multiple ways………its not like its just heresay. I’ve lived it.
Yet, when the dogs play in the rough growling way they do, my stress levels spike to dangerous levels. I need like a tornado warning in my brain…. something to tell me when my anxiety has hit the red-zone and it is time to evacuate.
So besides that, Koda is a spoiled ass, high anxiety, very dominant animal. She always has been. She is just that dog. Whiskey on the other hand, is a laid back, go with the flow, absolutely non-dominant boy. Or at least he was. Koda is ruining him, and I don’t know how to stop it……….so I have to get him someone and somewhere that will nip that in the bud and get him back to the amazing animal he has the potential to be. He is super smart, super loving, super fun… as a single dog. Put him next to my high strung dingo and he is getting ruined. And I dont want to live with that guilt.
So the best thing for him…and for my other animals, is to give him a chance to be who he can be somewhere else. I just dont have it in me to deal with retraining Koda to not be a bitch, and training and socializing Whiskey to be the good dog he will be without us. It’s the right thing to do for him…………..but damn if it isn’t hard as fuck.
I cannot stop crying anymore. Every time I think about giving him up, I cry. Every time I think about keeping him, I cry. All I do is cry. Soon I will have to build an ark.
On another note…I finally found a therapist. Kind of. I don’t know if I will ever see her, as my appt has been rescheduled twice now…but I have managed to see the doctor in her office and he put me on a prozac (god bless this amazing drug) and zyprexa combo. Or it would be a combo if my insurance would pay for the zyprexa…… However, as much as I need the zyprexa, I am okay with just starting off with the prozac. I love prozac. Out of all the drugs I have ever been on (and it has been many), prozac was always my favorite..and it worked the best……..minus the fact that my body got tolerant very quickly. I haven’t actually been on it in over 10 years…so maybe I can maintain it for about five from here forward. Cross your fingers. And if the zyprexa gets approved, I am on the road to some good control…. again, cross your fingers.
Anyhoo…as I reread this, I see my thoughts are a bit scattered. So I will stop here or it will get really crazy…. without sleep, my head loses its way…….and that never ends well.
I think I will go write some poetry. It helps me focus better……
Have a lovely 4th of July weekend……..be safe!!!!!