Sometimes…

Disclaimer: this post is a delve into seriousness. Just for a minute though. Just wanted to warn you of the change of pace, so you don’t get all shocked and wonder if I’ve been hacked! I haven’t. Except maybe by my turbulent emotions….. Another blogger reminded me of my journaling, which I haven’t done in a while, so while I was re-reading some old stuff, I came across a letter I wrote to someone once, and decided I wanted to open up that part of me again to the world. For a couple reasons. Reasons I won’t go into, but it has been very cleansing for me, especially in light of my recent girl brain attack.  It definitely serves to remind me that I have not always been as narcissistic as I have become; that despite or in spite of how I am now, I once was better.  And I think journaling helps tremendously to work through the issues that I would normally just lose my mind on and make the moment worse….  So yeah. Enjoy the side of me that very, very, very few people ever get to see…….

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Sometimes I wonder why it is you stay in my life (or why I let you) when there are so many times I feel condescended to by you and disconnected from you. Sometimes I wonder if I am less a narcissist and more a masochist.  Sometimes I wonder why being connected to you is so important to me. Sometimes I wonder why it is so important to you. Sometimes I wonder why you waste your time…..and mine. Sometimes I wonder why I waste my time….and yours….

I know you have had a rough life. I know things have happened to you in your past that were not okay, and I know you have never dealt with them in a healthy way. I am sorry for you for that. I am not sorry that you chose–it was/is your choice still–not to deal with your past.  Sometimes I wonder if you stick around to have someone to take all that frustration and anger and helplessness out on. Someone who has, does, and always will love you regardless. Sometimes I am fine with it. Sometimes I am not. Sometimes I just stop feeling…..

Sometimes I don’t understand why you don’t realize that I didn’t do those things to you. I didn’t make you feel the way you feel. I didn’t force you to choose not to deal with things in your life. And because I didn’t, I don’t deserve to be the whipping girl when it suits you. I don’t deserve the lies and secrecy and vagueness that you give me.  I don’t deserve to be dismissed like I am not important– as a person, as a friend, as a girlfriend. That is not okay. Sometimes I wonder why it is okay with you. Sometimes I know it is not. Sometimes I see the pain and regret and sorrow in your eyes; that moment you realize what effect your callous, thoughtless, actions have caused. (Sometimes I remember why I am still here)  Sometimes I wonder why I allow it to be okay with me… Sometimes I wonder why it is still okay with you…

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for you to understand how much more your actions tell me than your words ever, ever, EVER, will.  Sometimes I wonder how long I am going to wait for you to figure it out. Sometimes I wonder if losing me for good and forever will be the only thing that really forces you to get it. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what I really want……or only just what I really need. Sometimes I wonder if I know the difference. Sometimes I wonder if you do…..

You have been around so long… I feel as though you should have realized a long time ago how your actions can cut me down so deeply and painfully sometimes. The longer you stay, (the longer I allow you to stay) the less I feel sometimes. And then sometimes, the feelings are so overwhelming, I can’t do anything but cry, because I don’t know how to handle all that love that my heart wants to share with you. But I won’t. Because I am not that strong. Sometimes I wish I was…….   Sometimes I wish you were too……

And then sometimes, you are the most amazing person I have ever known. Sometimes you are incredibly thoughtful and generous and loving and affectionate, and all the things I could ever want or need in another human being. Sometimes you tear downs those walls just enough for me to see the person I fell in love with so many years ago, and just that small glimpse into the soul of the person I know you can/will be………outweighs all the bad you could ever throw my way……   Sometimes I know, in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, just sometimes, I know why I stay……

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