If it were a snake……….

I was sitting here, working (no, really, I was), and trying to think of other awesome idiotic stories from my drug-induced hazy (yet funny now) youth. When it occurred to me that not ALL of my tales of stupidity happened when I was ummm…under the influence. So I would like to regale you with a sober tale of my stupidity awesomeness!

I live in the desert. Because of this, bodies of water (lakes, rivers) are scarce. I mean there are some–the Rio Grande runs right through us here in the Land of Entrapment… errr Enchantment. However, putting your body in that river is akin to swimming in a sewer treatment plant as far as I am concerned. Plus, I don’t think it can really be referred to as “water”, considering its dominating color is solid brown. But that’s just my opinion. I guess I should be grateful we have a river in the first place.

Anyhow, one day a few years back, me and my BFF at the time, plus our kids, decided to drive on a quest to find water. We ventured up into the Jemez mountains to accomplish this feat. And we were successful. However, once we got to said lake, everything kind of went awry. At my expense. As usual. Because I gots tha dumb!  So it took FOR EV ERRRR to find a place to park that didn’t require us to walk a fucking marathon with all our gear (blankets, cooler, kids).  Finally we parked and proceeded to haul our crap over to where the water was. Everyone got on fine except yours truly–who, while carrying one end of the cooler, managed to trip on my flip flop and proceed to slide down a dirty rocky bastard of a hill–on my knee. It was AWESOME!!!  Did I mention I was wearing shorts? Needless to say, I was hurt and bloody and pissed the fuck off. (I still maintain that my son pushed me with the cooler–a fact he vehemently denies) (FYI–I know he didn’t push me. I just like to mess  with his head)  So we continued on, me with a really bad attitude at this point, to our sitting place upon the beach of the lake. We actually had fun once I cleaned up my knee and got over my irritation with it. Even though the kids couldn’t get in the water because there were so many people fishing….

Damn me and my detail obsession. Lets get to the stupid funny part.

After about an hour, we decided we were over it. The kids couldn’t swim because of the fishing people, so I think they were over it sooner than we were.  Regardless, we headed back down the mountain… My friend was driving, so I was just chilling in the passenger seat. I liked it like that.  THEN, all of a sudden, I realized my sunglasses were missing. Now mind you, this was very concerning because I have a serious obsession with my sunglasses. I MUST HAVE THEM at all times when the sun is shining. If not, the sun pierces my brain and gives me a crazy headache. (the reason for this is another story for another time–perhaps more proof of my shenanigans.)  So I started frantically searching for them, on my head, in my bags, on the floor, EVERYWHERE!  I couldn’t find them!!!

I was starting to panic (mind you the time frame on this was about 4 minutes or so) when my friend asked me what the hell I was doing. I told her, in my panicky state, “I can’t find my sunglasses. I may have left them at the lake, we have to go back!!) I may have been starting to hyperventilate at this point, but I cannot be certain. (I REALLY love my sunglasses!)

She looks at me with a strange look on her face, like ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??!!  I just looked at her and insisted we pull over because I needed to find them!!!  She calmly (though I think her eye was starting to twitch) asked me, with almost a straight face—

“Are you talking about the sunglasses ON YOUR FACE?????”


As I reached up to see what the hell she was talking about, she burst into laughter. The kind of laughter that renders you silent and immobile. The only visible clues that you are still alive is the intense shaking, severely upturned corners of the mouth and the crushing closure of the eyes. We had to pull over.

Upon my reaching up to my face, my hand encounters………..my fucking sunglasses. The ones I had been searching desperately for. The ones that HAD NEVER LEFT MY FACE.

I am pretty sure, I have never in my life, felt more stupid than I did in that moment. That moment, before I lost it and started laughing as hard as she was…..

I think it took us almost a half hour to leave the side of the road. I am pretty sure we lost five pounds and gained a six-pack.  My stomach was sore for at least three days after that.

Now, I always check my face first.  And to this day, I still have no clue what the hell happened that I thought things were looking a little too bright……..






8 thoughts on “If it were a snake……….

  1. Haha I loved this!!

    I’ve done that with my phone whilst talking to someone on it!! “Where’s my phone?! I can’t find my phone? Where the f**k is it!! Hold on a sec, I have to put you down, I need to find my phone!!”

    Very much a slap on forehead, Doh! moment 🙂 xx


  2. This is awesome – I totally do this all the time! Keys are the worst, those sneaky suckers like hiding in my pocket when I need them most. I can’t count the number of times I’ve left them hanging in the front door. Embarrassing much!


  3. That happens to the best of us. I once had mine on and forgot and I had been driving around long enough that the sun went down and I was still driving and wondering if I had ever seen a night so fucking dark… until I realized I still had my sun glasses on, while driving at night. Awesome.


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